12.30.05 :: are you being served? edition
I've never vented about this next topic before because usually the incident is resolved favorably for me...but I've been thinking about all the incidents that have occurred throughout the past year and I've realized something: Customer service in this country sucks ass. Allow me to present my proof to support this claim:

Exhibit A: Car service.
I took Sammy to the dealership to get a routine oil change, a brake job, and new tires. I knew it was going to be pricey, but he needed all these things taken care of and I wanted to make sure he was running in peak condition. What I wasn't expecting was to have to also purchase a new oil pan. Apparently, one of the gravely incompetent mechanics at Merchant's Tire and Auto stripped the threading on my oil pan the last time they changed my oil (and I do mean last time...after a management shift, they started sucking ass even before I knew what they had done to my oil pan, which was why I was at the dealership). Instead of telling anyone that he had done this, he shoved an oversized plug into the hole. Nice, no?
Resolution: I called the Merchant's customer service hotline rather than dealing with the assholes at the Merchant's who damaged Sammy. I complained. Loudly. They paid for the cost of parts and labor for the new oil pan.

Exhibit B: Car service, part 2.
The dealership had to drain my coolant so they could remove parts to get to the oil pan to replace it. They didn't refill the coolant system properly. Sammy gurgled like Ben Stiller's tummy in Along Came Polly. Air pockets in the coolant system. Also, I now heard a metal grinding noise.
Resolution: I took Sammy back to the dealership. They discovered that the grinding was a metal bracket on the exhaust system that they hadn't tightened properly. They drained and refilled the coolant system. But they didn't do it correctly, so I had to take Sammy back a third time (in fewer than 2 weeks). They drained and refilled him again. This time they did it right.

Exhibit C: Cell phone service.
I used to be an AT&T Wireless customer. I'm now a Cingular customer due to company merger hoo-ha. My old phone stopped working with the new Cingular system so I needed a new one. I called, upgraded my plan, chose a new phone, purchased the accessories. This was the Monday before Thanksgiving. The following Tuesday, I still didn't have my phone. "Oh, we're showing that the phone was returned to the Cingular warehouse on Friday because the address was wrong." Uh, then why didn't anyone call me? Why didn't anyone take the initiative to figure out what was wrong and ship the new phone? Why did I have to call them even though their system had registered the returned merchandise and listed it under my account?
Resolution: Extensive customer service representative apologizing. Empty promise to FedEx the phone priority overnight. This means that I waited another week before receiving the phone. Apparently, Cingular Wireless is unable to FedEx anything overnight. Bubba Lee Lucas in Bunnykill, Alabama, can FedEx a package overnight, but a major corporation can't. Right. So it took almost 3 weeks for me to receive my new cell phone. Thank goodness Cingular isn't in the pacemaker business.

Exhibit D: Personalized greeting cards.
I designed a collage for a memorial card in Jodie's honor. I could have just run the collage through the color printer at work, but I wanted something a little nicer. So I went to Kodak. Of course! Kodak is the premiere name in photograph developing. I chose the card layout, uploaded the image, chose the options I wanted, including no zoom/crop and matte finish. The cards arrived, cropped so that text was missing from the collage.
Resolution: Kodak told me to send the first cards back and they would reprint new cards and FedEx them to me (they can actually FedEx something overnight so they already have one up on Cingular). I re-entered all the information and asked once more for no zoom/crop and matte finish. The second cards came, still cropped and this time on glossy paper. It took almost an entire month for them to screw up my order twice.
Resolution 2: I complained again and said that I would never depend on Kodak for a special printing ever again. Their solution was to send me a coupon for 20 percent off my next purchase.

These are just a few examples. But they all have a common thread: Incompetence. Incompetent mechanics. Incompetent warehouse staff. Incompetent printers. All more than willing to redo something for free. But that's not the point. I want it done right the first time. I don't want to be inconvenienced because some shuffling savant out there can't do his fucking job right. Every one of these examples could have been averted had the service person just been more attentive to what they were doing. It's almost as if "close enough for gov'ment work" has become the national ideology (which is ironic since I work for the government and have never once turned in a shoddy product).

When did this country sacrifice quality service? Why is it virtually impossible to get something done right? Why must we as customers be inconvenienced by moronic help?

Hopefully 2006 will be the year that businesses resolve to provide customers with the service we should expect rather than the service we've become accostumed to receiving. Sadly, though, I think it's just going to be more of the same...

Return to 01.09.06 contemplation.

Return to 02.26.07 contemplation.

12.28.05 :: donuts in heaven edition
Okay, I'm not trying to make a joke on this one, but I kinda thought the Dunkin Donuts guy died a while ago. I don't why I thought that...but nevertheless, it was an unpleasant correction I received this morning when I saw that he now really has died.

12.28.05 :: no punches pulled edition
Holy slam MonkeyBone hard, Batman! Do you think the reporter who wrote this is Republican?

12.28.05 :: draft marketing plan edition
The ride in this morning was peaceful and uneventful. Guess everyone else is still on holiday leave. That's all right. There was a spectacular sunrise that I wouldn't have missed for anything.

So it seems as though we are walking that razor edge known as mandatory draft. Why do I say this? Because the National Guard is now advertising to the 18- to 34-year-old population in a very focused campaign: pizza, music, video games, and NASCAR. Seems as though none of the military branches are hitting their recruiting numbers (can't imagine why), so they're giving away pizza boxes with recruiting ads on them and free iTunes downloads if you view certain sections of their Web site. I'm so happy to know that our tax dollars are going to package pizza in recruiting ads and to give away MP3 downloads.

12.25.05
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and wishes for peace to all.

12.24.05 :: green christmas edition
Gone South. I listened to old school go-go music and Salt n Pepa remixes for a good part of the journey before succumbing to a numbing need for Christmas music...however, it had to be Christmas music on my terms. So it was Poe singing "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer," Sarah McLachlan and Barenaked Ladies singing "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen," Tori Amos's "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas"...songs done in a different way. Plus, Eartha Kitt's "Santa Baby," which not even Madonna could come close to topping. I also discovered a new drink called Vault. It's basically Coca Cola's response to Pepsi Cola's Mountain Dew. It's good though. And green.

Speaking of green (ooh, work that segue, Loba!), I just read a rather unflattering review of Wicked in the Washington Post. Unflattering is actually quite the understatement. It reads like the diatribe of a dyed-in-the-emerald Wizard of Oz fan who simply cannot cope with someone tinkering with a classic.

Oh well. Obviously someone out there likes the musical. The damned thing sold out in a half hour after Kennedy Center tickets when on sale (I've read that it was 7 hours...but I'm thinking someone is way off on that one).

I'm going to saunter away from the computer now. Just thought I would pop in, check on my snoggees, and wish you all a happy Christmas Eve, hopefully filled with peace, warmth, and happiness.

12.23.05 :: sense of smell edition
Zicam or Cold-Eeze could cause you to lose your senses of smell and taste. Apparently, it has something to do with the zinc. According to this article, laboratory researchers used to use zinc to eliminate the sense of smell in laboratory animals. And now they market nasal sprays with zinc in them? That makes sense.

Anyway, that's my warning. I'd hate for any of my snoggees to lose their ability to taste the egg nog and cookies!

Return to 01.31.06 contemplation.

12.23.05 :: rerry rhismas edition
No politicking today. None until after Christmas. I'm wearing Scooby holiday socks. I have a Holiday Scooby pull on my jacket zipper. I have two stuffed Scooby Doo dogs on my desk (to go with my little Scooby beach bum). I'm mellow in my Scooby-ness and I would like to share it with you all. So...here is an awesome Build Your Own Scooby Shirt Web site. It's just too overwhelming for me right now; I can't pick just one. I'm going to have to marinate on these options for a while...

12.22.05 :: code name oprah edition
What the hell? What is it about David Letterman that he keeps inspiring all these bizarre obsessions? Remember the woman who broke into his Connecticut home and squatted there for, wasn't it years? Then didn't someone just get busted for plotting to kidnap his kid? Now this? Mental cruelty and sleep deprivation? He has sort of lost his funny edge and he is on kinda late....but I wouldn't go that far.

Wouldn't it be funny, though, if this was true? Funny in a creepy oompa-loompa way, of course.

12.22.05 :: prelude to a disaster edition
First in what will more than likely prove to be an interesting series of articles on the Department of Homeland Security.

12.22.05 :: master edition
This is just the best story I've read in a while: Linda Cerniglia had her purse stolen...a purse that included a jump drive with the only copy of her thesis on it (I know what you fellow techno-geeks are thinking: Who only keeps one copy of anything?!).

Anyway, she ends up doing the investigating that really the police should have been doing...she goes dumpster diving, finds her purse and the jump drive plus the fingerprints of the thief all over the retrieved purse.

Oh and she also earned her master's degree. Hopefully, she will remember to back-up her files from now on...

12.21.05 :: blessed be edition
Blessed Solstice and Happy Winter!

12.21.05 :: go play elsewhere edition
I don't really care either way concerning the proposed new stadium for the Washington Nationals. Well, that's not entirely true: I think all the money we lavish on sports in this country is ridiculous and could be invested into far worthier projects. But whatever. I'm obviously in the minority on that one.

I'm just so amazed at the D.C. Council. They've had a year to finalize plans for the new stadium. They're losing out due to ineptitude and crackhead machinations.

Obviously, the D.C. government is too concerned with posturing and territorial pissing to actually do their job (gee, sounds like the federal government). So move the team to somewhere else. Las Vegas would be ideal. They could be called the Las Vegas Strippers and their mascot could be a giant pasty wearing one of those diva headdresses.

12.20.05 :: no-el edition
The religious right is just funny. In a crutch kinda way. I think they pick fights over insignificant things just to hear themselves speak...and apparently it doesn't bother them when they loudly declare untruths. Whatever. "Verily I say unto you, They have their reward." (What can I say...I'm in a Bible quoting mood this morning). And this is my favorite quote for this article:

The founding fathers had no Santa Claus (Saint Nicholas, a minor European saint, did not morph into the current image of the gift-laden Santa Claus until the 1820s). There were no Christmas trees (a German import that didn't take root until the 1840s). Dec. 25 wasn't made a federal holiday under the first 17 American presidents (including George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison and Abraham Lincoln). The holiday did not come until 1870, under Ulysses Grant, perhaps one of the least pious of presidents.

And that's the way it is...

12.20.05 :: dog don't hunt edition
What is wrong with the Amurhakin people? This administration is not one we should be supporting. It is an administration of subversion, lies, treachery, and dangerous precedents. Or are we becoming so apathetic toward our freedoms that we now don't care that the dictator in charge is revoking them at his own whim, constitutional rights be damned? Is anyone comforted by MonkeyBone's defense that he has allowed these things because of his "obligation to protect [us]"? I'm not. I'm more of the mindset that all he likes to do is hide behind the skirts of the scribes and Pharisees.

It's at times like this that I can't help but remember a verse I heard often during my parochial school days: "For there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; neither hid, that shall not be known."

12.19.05 :: ramble-ramble edition
Nothing profound. MonkeyBone still sucks. I don't really feel like thinking about him or his dirty deeds right now. I spent all day trying to finish my Christmas shopping yesterday (almost there!). Christmas is small this year. Small and haunted by the ghosts of furry four-legged memories. Nostalgia is not complete unless balanced with sadness.

Saturday I returned to my home county. There's something about crossing the line into P.G. County that awakens the Bad Beltway Demon Driver inside me. Not even an hour after being there, I was pulling U-Turns in the middle of a major roadway. It was exhilarating.

I saw there was a lot of new retail shopping where I went. Just what we need: fewer trees and more strip malls. I did see a new Chick-fil-A, resplendent with giant inflated cow perched atop the temple of fried ecstasy. Is it normal that a fast food restaurant should bring me such joy? No less normal than the fact that I can never spell the word "ecstasy." It's my written kryptonite, I suppose.

Boredom struck during my lunch break and I decided to do Google searches on some old classmates from my "path of the straight and narrow" days. I actually found a few. One is a motorcycle-riding English professor. One is a middleweight boxer. I'm surprised by both for various reasons.

Enough. I must return to my work. I'm ready for Christmas if only for the days off from work. Still love my job...I just want tapioca time for my brain.

12.17.05
Very sad about the death of John Spencer. Leo McGarry was one of my favorite characters on The West Wing.

12.16.05 :: jury tampering edition
Thank goodness my little Donkeys are paying attention. Jury tampering...I like that parallel. Bottom line is it's just not right. And now I highly doubt there will be any chance of a fair trial. As if that was possible under this regime in the first place.

12.16.05 :: security snafu edition
Damn Celine Dion! Sony's desire to protect her from copyright infringement may end up taking down our federal government. Well, okay, so it's not Celine Dion; it's Sony. I heard on the radio this morning that the software that Sony added to some of their CDs to protect them from being ripped could pose a huge security risk if someone tried to play the discs on a government computer. Security break caused by software designed to ensure that the proles continue to pay for their entertainment.

Wouldn't it be amazing if the American government was toppled by American greed?

Sorry, Celine. I'll stop picking on you now.

12.15.05 :: kiwi explosion edition
I would just like to point out that before hobbits, elves, giant apes, dinosaurs, talking lions, white witches, and the whole lot of fantastical characters brought fame and finance to the lush shores of New Zealand, the great gods descended from Mt. Olympus to wander among the half-gods and mortals. It was a time of myth and legend, a time of warrior princesses forged in the heat of battle. Let's not forget that, shall we?

Side note: The Smithsonian Institute's Museum of American History will soon be adding a piece to its entertainment section. Soon to reside with Dorothy's ruby slippers, Kermit the Frog, the Fonz's leather jacket, Archie Bunker's armchair...Xena Warrior Princess. Well, her costume, at least. No word on whether the sword and chakram will be included.

12.15.05 :: implicated edition
Robert Novak stated that he believes MonkeyBone knows who needs Oral Depends in the White House.

Huh. Really.

Anyone out there ever see A Few Good Men? Yeah? Okay, take these lines and let's pretend that MonkeyBone is Colonel Jessep:
Kaffee: Did you order the Code Red?
Colonel Jessep: I did the job I...
Kaffee: [shouting] Did you order the Code Red?
Colonel Jessep: [shouts] You're goddamn right I did!

Are we clear? Crystal.

12.15.05 :: slanted edition
MonkeyBone has declared, in an interview with Fux News, that he believes Tom DeLay is innocent.

Does anyone else see what is so incredibly wrong with MonkeyBone saying anything about the DeLay case? DeLay is from Texas. His constituents are from Texas. He's being tried in Texas. He spearheaded a royal redistricting ream job to reduce Democratic representation in Texas. He fought to have a judge who donated to the DNC removed from presiding over his trial. In Texas.

MonkeyBone claims Texas heritage. Speaking as a Yankee, I'm fine with that. I'm not fine, however, with MonkeyBone declaring what he has declared. He believes DeLay is innocent? Did he really say that, after months of refusing to comment on the Plame case and the charges being brought or considered against others in his regime? Could you sprinkle a little more bias into this stew? Can we really believe the word of a man who misled the entire country about reasons for this war? Big deal that he now owns up to faulty intelligence. He owned up to faulty intelligence...but he still claims that going to war was right. On what grounds?

MonkeyBone admitted during his interview that "when [DeLay's] over there, we get our votes through the House." So he steps up and declares his belief that DeLay is innocent. This makes national news. Even the Red State Lemmings hear the call from their High Priest. He has declared this minion innocent. Who among the Lemmings will go against the word of the High Priest? Who will be the heretic?

Dirty politics really pisses me off.

12.14.05 :: burnt edition
Can I just say that the roof of my mouth feels like how the demon in Regan must have felt when the priests flicked holy water at her? "It burns! It burns!" Damn that hot piece of pizza I ate last night!! Damn that scaldingly delectable melted cheese.

12.14.05 :: charlie browniest edition
Loba wandered away for a while. I dipped far below the Mason-Dixon for some familial bonding time. It involved a tree. I'll let you all figure it out.

I read an interesting article in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer (yes, I do actually read papers other than the local liberal rag, thank you). Anyway, it's all about how children today are obnoxious, rude, and spoiled. It's sort of a confirmation of "You reap what you sow." And this is something that we've been sowing for quite some time. I mean, look at the message in A Charlie Brown Christmas. A cartoon made 40 years ago this year and look at the children presented: Lucy who loves the clank of cold hard cash and wants real estate for Christmas; Sally who just wants "my fair share"; Snoopy, who wants nothing more than the bling-bling blink of winning decorations. Materialism has been living its field day for a while.

However, this remains my absolute favorite Christmas special. It takes the fundamental beauty of the Judeo-Christian religion and presents it humbly, simply, and honestly. Remember Linus' speech? "That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown." Linus perfectly negates the crush of greed with his KJV monologue about what this holiday is supposed to be about.

Unfortunately, 40 years later and Christmas is more pagan than its original holiday predecessors. Saturnalia has nothing on the materialistic orgy we now call Christmas. In fact, this holiday has so far strayed from its purported meaning that I would think the religious zealots would be glad to see marketers dropping "Christmas" from their ad campaigns.

Am I saying that children need a little more religion in their lives? Absolutely. Not the religion of the religious wrong in this country. More like the religion of responsibility, both for their accomplishments and their wrongdoing. The religion of hard work to earn what they desire. The religion of punishment when warranted. The religion of honestly earned rewards and praise. One line in this article really caught my attention: "The standards for competence have been lowered and false praise is passed out like cups of water at a marathon."

I think the perfect summation is the "I Have a Terrific Kid at ________ School" sticker in response to the honor roll bumper stickers. Apparently someone thought it unfair to praise just those children who work hard for good grades. Now all children must be praised just for being "terrific." If everyone gets praised simply for being "terrific," what is the impetus for improvement? And, crappy though they are, failure and disappointment are part of life. Sheltering children from these integral life lessons leaves ill-prepared adults who will be quite shocked that the world is not waiting outside their doors on a silver platter.

Whatever. Bottom line is that you do reap what you sow. And what you sow always comes back to you.

12.08.05 :: lesser known edition
Of course I grew up on Clive Staples Lewis (I went to a Baptist school; so this is a der statement). A boxed set of the Narnia Chronicles was one of the first "big" purchases I made after landing my first real job (the first being my classic Docs that I'm going to wear until my socks pop through the soles). The boxed set sits on the "fantasy shelf" of one of my bookshelves (I have A LOT of books). It sits along with the Lord of the Rings trilogy, the Harry Potter books, and the His Dark Materials trilogy. Now that's a sweet mix.

I'm not here to discuss the Narnia books though (I couldn't honestly uphold my end of the conversation anyway since I haven't read that boxed set yet and the last time I read any of these books was probably at some point in the late 80s). I am here to promote a lesser touted C.S. Lewis book, but one that I personally feel is the most beautiful of his books that I have read: Till We Have Faces: A Myth Retold. It is his reworking of the Greek myth of Cupid and Psyche. I have always loved mythology, so this was an amazing discovery. I also was enamored of it because it was my first introduction to the adult works of C.S. Lewis. I've read a few other of his adult-geared works, but none of them captured me quite the way this one did.

12.08.05 :: cognitive dissonance edition
Congress wants to pay for people with analog televisions to purchase digital converters. $3 billion dollars so these people will still be able to watch television after the analog waves stop servicing their sets in 2009.

Even those who have televisions that can receive digital transmissions will be able to ask for assistance. So does that mean that I can ask for help to purchase an analog/digital converter...and then take it to Congress and shove it up a politician's ass? Ooh, ooh, can I buy two?

This is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read...

12.08.05 :: great success edition
Yesterday's killing of a mentally ill man by a federal air marshal is being touted by politicians as the "first successful...example of the government's ramped-up commercial airline security efforts."

Killing a mentally unstable man off his meds is a success?

12.08.05 :: poofy edition
I've tried to avoid succumbing to D.C. Zoo panda-monium (including overusing this pun). But, dammit, this video of the cub is just so cute. You just want to pick him up and snuggle him! He's so poofy and fluffy.

Hopefully he'll survive his stay at the National Animal Death Camp...I mean, National Zoo.

12.08.05 :: hope edition
Scientists have mapped the canine genome. Among the things they hope to learn is why certain breeds are prone to certain types of cancer. Perhaps one day they will isolate the genes that cause these cancerous uprisings in certain dogs. Cancers like hemangiosarcoma. This could also help scientists learn how to isolate the same genes in humans. A win-win situation.

Sometimes studies come a little too late...but in the grand scheme, late is better than never.

12.06.05 :: catapult edition
Found a list of frequently updated Bushisms on Slate.com. This one, I think, sums up the MonkeyBone presidency perfectly:

See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.

I knew the part about repeating things over and over...that's their style. Unfortunately, it has nothing to do with getting the truth to sink in. It has more to do with getting the lies to turn into truths.

But catapulting the propaganda? Whathafu...

If Librarian Laura isn't embarrassed, she isn't paying attention.

12.05.05 :: unsolicited edition
The Bush Administration is doing a fantabulous job. They are awe-inspiring and their merit and tenacity make me so proud that sometimes I find it difficult to contain my tears of joy. Bush is focused and on-mark every step of the way. He will go down in history as a remarkable president--quite possibly the best this country has ever or will ever see. And the job that he and his staff have been doing in Iraq will earn them all their proper place in the pantheon of global greatness. I suspect that the Iraqis will be so grateful once this war is over, that they will establish at least two major holidays in his honor.

This was in no way a planted article endorsed by the U.S. Army or the Bush Administration. Not at all. Oh and come back later...I'll have some ocean-front property in Arizona that I'd like to sell you...

12.02.05 :: creation of ineptitude edition
I've been futzing around with this one for a couple nights now. Another Sudafed-inspired idea. Small version here, in case anyone is offended. All the Democrats, however, can just click the image to see the big picture (as if we don't see it already).

12.02.05 :: even numbers edition
Texas has executed 355 people since the death penalty was reinstated in 1976, making it the state with the highest execution rate (to give you a better grasp of this, Virginia has the second highest in the country, at a paltry 94 executionees). Mathematically, this figures out to be one person executed every month in the Lone Star State--plus change!--in the 29 years since the death penalty was reinstated.

During his 6 years as governor of Texas, George W. Bush presided over 152 executions (that would be a rate of one person executed every other week for 6 years). He denied clemency to a mentally handicapped man. He mocked a woman who claimed to have repented for her sins and become Christian (you'd think of anyone, he would have mercy on the "Born Again" crowd) and then denied her clemency as well. This gave him the honor of presiding over the first execution of a woman in Texas in more than 100 years.

Yesterday, America saw the 1,000th execution since the death penalty reinstatement. George W. Bush presided over 15.2 percent of this number. More than any other governor in the country. In just 6 years. A better number? He presided over 43 percent of all of Texas' executions. 43 percent of all the executions that have occurred in Texas these past 29 years. 43 percent in just 6 of those 29 years. 43 percent of the executions in little more than 20 percent of the time.

In 5 years as president, George W. Bush has presided over the deaths of more than 2,000 American soldiers in a war that shows no signs of ending.

Every aspect of his political career has been marked by increasing death tolls.

I guess it's like Jimmy Doogan said: "Anything worth doin' is worth doin' right."

12.02.05 :: unqualified edition
This is listed in the political humor section on About.com. Sadly, I don't find it funny. In fact, I could feel my blood pressure rising as I read it. That's not good, is it?

12.02.05 :: facing facts edition
Surgeons in France just performed the first face transplant on a woman who lost her nose and lips in a dog attack. (For you Francophiles, here is the French article, which is really quite interesting). Basically, this woman will now look like a hybrid of herself and this other woman, who was declared brain dead. How weird will that be, to look at yourself in the mirror and see someone else's face. I'm glad that she's going to hopefully regain some of her self confidence, but this is just so...weird (have I said that already?).

12.02.05 :: litella edition
What's all this I keep hearing about the president lighting a tree at last night's Pageant of Peas? Why are we having a holiday pageant for a vegetable? All those soldiers overseas and we're wasting money on a party for peas?

And why has the president chosen peas? I know that his father doesn't like broccoli, but there are so many other wonderful vegetables out there: green beans, carrots, squash, corn...honestly, I don't see why he would choose peas. They're mushy and tasteless, if you ask me. Besides, whenever I think of peas, I think of The Exorcist...now that's not appetizing at all, is it? A demon-possessed little girl throwing up on a priest.

Honestly, I'm just so furious, I could spi....what? What did you say? Peace? Oh, Pageant of Peace. Well that's different.

Never mind.

(Editor's note: This made me laugh as I typed it, probably because I'm high on Sudafed and love old school SNL...so there you go.)

12.01.05 :: holiday tree edition
Okay, I have to say that this is going a little too far. It's one thing to say "Happy Holidays" out of respect for those who celebrate holidays other than Christmas at this time of year. That I understand. But a Christmas tree is a Christmas tree. It's not religiously significant. It's not like Jesus was born in one. It's a tree specific to the Christmas holiday. Call it what it is. After all, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

I bet I drive many of you crazy, don't I?

12.01.05 :: misunderestimated edition
I suspect this will be uproariously funny when he's no longer president. Right now it makes me cringe: GeorgeBushMisunderestimated.com

12.01.05 :: fine day edition
Two schools in Hartford, Connecticut, are taking an interesting approach to quell the flood of foul language surging through their classrooms: profanity fines. Students caught swearing in school, particularly those students who curse at teachers, will receive a ticket for $103. Parents will have to pay the fine if their children can't. Personally, I think the parents should be fined as well for not teaching their children to be respectful of their surroundings.

A University of Connecticut professor thinks this is a bad idea. He states that "Research says that punishing kids doesn't teach them the right way to act." He cites those who have returned to their illicit behavior after being released from detention centers.

Excuse me for pointing out the obvious on this one, but maybe if those kids had been punished--with parental or authoritative explanation for why they were receiving the punishment--for the smaller offenses, they would have learned early on how to behave properly. Then maybe they wouldn't have ended up in a detention center in the first place.

I don't understand why logic seems so absent from things like this.

12.01.05 :: stowaway edition
How friggin' adorable and nauseatingly heart-warming is this story? Emily the cat knows how to get around. The farthest Data's ever made it since we adopted him was 3 feet up a tree trunk.

12.01.05 :: defector edition
Not going to talk about MonkeyBone's speechifications again. Not gonna do it. Wouldn't be prudent at this juncture.

I'd just like to officially say that the GOP can have Joseph Lieberman. I've actually always thought that he was a Republican spy that somehow found his way into the Democratic ranks. And I've never forgotten nor forgiven him for that truly half-assed way he ran for vice president...you know, while also running for re-election to his senatorial seat. Way to show your dedication to and faith in the Democratic presidential bid. Guess we know who's number one in his life.

Plus, some of the things that he says are so...conservative. For instance, he's another one to support the "let's blame Hollywood for our children's violence rather than the absent parents who let the television babysit their kids for them" game. He's as far from being a Democrat as Susan Sarandon is from being a Republican. And the fact that MonkeyBone was able to "[summon] a leading Democrat to his own defense, citing an op-ed article opposing timetables for withdrawal that was written by Sen. Joseph I. Lieberman" only bolsters my opinion.

Take our Lieberman, please. Please.

11.30.05 :: speecherate edition
Speechification time once again for MonkeyBone. Personally, I find it too painful to actually listen to him speak. I prefer to read the transcripts instead. Spares me the suffering of witnessing another crime against the English language.

Anyway, two points from the recent speech that really irked me...then I have to go back to work. First, here's a quote made early in the speech:

Yet the terrorists have made it clear that Iraq is the central front in their war against humanity. And so we must recognize Iraq as the central front in the war on terror.

Uh. Okay. Not sure who made that clear other than MonkeyBone and his liars, but whatever. But then later in the speech, he states:

Many are foreigners who are coming to fight freedom's progress in Iraq. This group includes terrorists from Saudi Arabia and Syria and Iran and Egypt and Sudan and Yemen and Libya and other countries.

Wait. I thought Iraq was already the central front. Shouldn't the terrorists already all be there? This is kind of like saying the N.C. State Wolfpack's home base is in North Carolina...but before each game we need to fly the players in from Arizona, Oregon, Maine, and Georgia. And I'm sorry, but why again was Iraq chosen? And if Iraq has always been the central front, why did bin Laden hide in Afghanistan? Why not just go where he was guaranteed protection? Oh, I know...because he would have had to have waited for the protectors to fly in from the other countries.

Anyway, later in the speech he proceeds to tout how Iraqi forces are now able to lead the way into battle because of their growing strength and numbers. Oh wow. Because of our help, they're now able to send their own people in to die horrible combat-related deaths. Aren't we wonderful. I'd just like to point out that this isn't the first time that Americans provided training like this. Who do you think created Osama bin Laden in the first place?

Oh and MonkeyBone also took the time to peddle the newly released National Strategy for Victory in Iraq. I haven't had a chance to read it yet. I don't know if I want to. After all, it's been released from this administration. I don't believe a damned word they utter or write.

11.29.05 :: general edition
Just a general thought/question: When is MonkeyBone going to realize that he can't keep repeating the same brain-dead statements and think that's going to lull the American public back into their state of near-comatose complacency? Saying that we need to stay the course in Iraq or that we will get the job done...well, neither of those statements ever worked with me, but they've now worn thin with even John Q. Public.

Time for MonkeyBone to face facts. He's not even skilled enough to be considered second rate. He's just the ringmaster for a three-felon circus. I still can't decide, though, whether he's just as slimy as the rest of his party or if he's really just a mouth-breathing dolt. Either way, I'm sick of him and I'm sick of the rest of the Repubicans. Nothing makes me happier than to see the sludge washed away, one dirty politician at a time.

Next I'd like to see a turd blossom bouquet on my holiday table...oh wait, I called it a holiday table instead of Christmas table...now I've gone and offended Reverend Falwell and his Friend or Foe campaign.

Okay, so this is something that I'm going to enjoy. Let's take a look at facts for a moment, shall we? (I know, something that the religious zealots in this country really hate to do.) Long before it was celebrated as Christ's birth, this day was a pagan holiday. Many celebrated it for the winter solstice and all it represented. Romans celebrated it as Saturnalia, in honor of Saturn the god of agriculture. In fact, the day isn't even close to Christ's birth (why would shepherds be "guarding their flocks by night" in the dead of winter?). He was more likely born in the springtime.

Anywhoodle, everything about the holiday is pagan. The feasting hearkens right back to Saturnalia's hedonistic celebrations. The Christmas tree? We can thank the Germans for that (O, Tannenbaum anyone?)...although they very well may have gotten the idea from the Druids, those wacky mystical Celts who may or may not have built Stonehenge. They're also the ones who are attributed as bringing about the mistletoe ritual (I love this piece on the plant; did you know its name means "dung on a twig"? Doesn't that make you want to pucker up?).

Christmas is a pretend religious holiday with no biblical basis. It's nowhere near the true birth of Christ. It's a day filled with usurpations from pagan ritual, stamped with Christ's name as though that makes it all holy and religiously solid. Truth is, the religious right really isn't standing on any solid ground on this one.

So really, Reverend Falwell, if anyone should be irritated about this day, it should be Wiccans. And the true greeting that should be uttered? "Blessed Solstice." Unless you're prepared to let those words fly, I think you might want to just be happy with "Happy Holidays."

I should have general editions more often...this was fun.

11.27.05 :: cool as canada edition
A while ago, I blogged about how Canada lets its residents place personal photos on their postage stamps. I don't remember when I made this entry, and quite honestly, snoggees, I'm just too lazy to find it.

Never fear though, for I bring you good tidings of great joy from the Amurhakin colonies: We now have the same option. It's a Web site called PhotoStamps.com. I learned about it while watching hour after hour of Discovery Health this afternoon. I don't even want to go into that particular addiction. Anyway...sure, the stamps are way overpriced and it's not like you can just drive up the street to pick up a book...but that's what makes this country so great! Inconvenience for exorbitant prices!

11.25.05 :: in all things give thanks edition
Day after Turkey Day. I was off the map for the actual event. I don't need one day, though, to know that for which I am thankful. I am thankful for family. For friends. For the balance of snoggees and critics. For the ebb and flow of life. For the familiarity of rejuvenation. For the newness of once again. For words like boomslang and kerfuffle. For new music from old favorites. For movies with subtitles.

I am thankful for Jodie. I am thankful for 8 years that have left doggie fur entwined into every wonderful memory. I am thankful that she found a home beyond her pound pen, where she was loved and cherished. I am thankful that she is so thoroughly mourned in death because she was so completely loved in life.

In all things give thanks.

11.23.05 :: falling bush edition
Whatever dirty-minded thoughts you were having about this title, dear snoggees...well, you've made me proud. Alas, though, this is not a dirty link at all. It is, however, completely mesmerizing. Perfect entertainment for the bored DemocRAT who has completed all her tasks for the holiday week.

Enjoy.

11.23.05 :: fired up edition
I bet a whole new level of cursing was born this morning, streaming from the mouths of those caught in the tanker truck explosion on I-95.

For those of you not familiar with this Interstate, it is the major artery for commuters, both short- and long-distance. It is also the major road to BWI Airport. Can you imagine a worse stretch of road to be closed on the biggest travel day of the year?

11.22.05 :: lame edition
Whine, whine, whine. That's all that Tom DeLay seems to do these days. I don't want that judge because he gave money to the DNC. I want these charges dismissed. I want this over with soon or I won't be able to be the House majority leader anymore. I don't want my trial in Austin because they're too liberal. I want it in my home county instead, because that will be fair and balanced (right, just like he's innocent).

He sure didn't have any problems going for the throat when it was Clinton's neck in the noose. Now that he's the one in the hot seat, he just WHINES all the time. Shut up already!

11.22.05 :: llama llama lledition
I don't know why I'm posting this. It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Which is probably why I can't stop watching it. Llama, llama, duck.

11.22.05 :: murderous milestone edition
P.G. County has broken its previous murder record, racking up 155 murders this year (and still counting since the year isn't over yet!).

Return to 05.03.06 contemplation.

11.22.05 :: entertainment break
Annoyed though Oprah may be at the infamous David Letterman "Oprah-Uma" Oscar gag, she must admit that it was memorable. And, dammit, it was funny in that quirky, snarky David Letterman "yagotanygum?" kind of way.

Never mind though. Oprah...David. David...Oprah. Now, talk amongst yourselves.

11.22.05 :: underhanded edition
It's a Cheney kind of morning, I guess. I just keep reading about things that he's saying, and they're irritating me. Besides that, why is it that every time I see him, I get a "creepy Oompa Loompa vibe" kind of feeling? Seriously, there's something very wrong about him. How else can you describe someone who basically said that voting for John Kerry would be a vote for terrorism? And now he said in a in a recent speech, "one might also argue that untruthful charges against the commander in chief have an insidious effect on the war effort itself." He then added, "I'm unwilling to say that."

But that's the hook: You DID say it. And you meant it. What's up with him? What's he continuing to try to hide? What is he so worried about having discovered? His role in the Plame case? Underhanded handling of intelligence? Something even worse? (Why is it that I think it's the latter?)

Methinks it's time to drag another Cheney out of the closet.

11.22.05 :: don't question edition
So here's what I don't understand: Many want U.S. soldiers out of Iraq. Now even the Iraqis are saying they would like a timetable established for our withdrawal from their country. But Boss Hogg Cheney is continuing to say that Democrats are wrong to want to withdraw and that they're revisionists. Personally, I think he and MonkeyBone and the other gargoyles are the ones guilty of revisionism, but what do I know.

So why are they so intent on keeping our soldiers overseas? Is it really because they think that pulling out now will mean "a victory for the terrorists"? Are you kidding me? Terrorists are like white hairs: You pluck one out and three grow back in its place. Do they really believe that we can completely obliterate terrorism?

So what's the real reason? I don't mean to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but there's just something way off about this. They don't want the soldiers to come home. They don't want people questioning their intelligence. They don't want people questioning what they told others to gain the support they gained. They don't want questions, period. They want to be allowed to continue sending our soldiers over for indefinite tours of duty. This from two people who did everything in their power to avoid serving in Vietnam.

Something's rotten in Denmark. I just can't figure out what it is.

11.21.05 :: dishonest and reprehensible edition
Boss Hogg Cheney is calling Senate Democrats who want to pull us out of Iraq (gives proper credence to the screwing over analogy, doesn't it?) "dishonest and reprehensible" because many are the same who voted for the war in 2002.

I'm not going to point out the obvious that I've already pointed out. Actually, I'm quite tired of talking about this. I'm also tired of hearing about it. There is nothing I want more than an end to the MonkeyBone regime. I want to see him escorted out of the White House in handcuffs for all the atrocities he has committed as leader of the God-Ordained Plutocracy.

Actually, I'm starting to hate all politics. I don't know when or how it happened, or if maybe it's just something that is inflating as is everything else in this country, but when did our politicians become so incredibly underhanded and sleazy? And treacherous?

11.21.05 :: amarantine edition
Enya is finally releasing a new CD. I don't care that I have a reputation as a metal head. I don't care that I have a Marilyn Manson CD in my car right now. I'm very excited about all the Enya I'm going to be having (and that is my tiny tip of the hat to Friends, which helped make Enya a little more mainstream for a little while).

11.18.05 :: liberty christmas edition
No, I'm not planning a jingo-dingo Christmas. I'm referring to the absolutely adorable Liberty Meadows Christmas ornament I just pre-ordered. C.S. Moore has done a beautiful job of designing this tribute to Oscar and Truman. Too cute.

Frank Cho remains one of my all-time favorite cartoonists/illustrators; I have been a devoted Monkey Boy Disciple since I discovered University² back in my days at UMCP. His style is strikingly identifiable and some of the things he comes up with are just hilariously wrong.

I can't wait until his fourth collection is released in paperback.

11.17.05 :: manchurian edition
More reason to fear the federal government. I love how the article ends by pointing out that "Vice President Dick Cheney continue[s] to campaign to ensure that the agency will not be prevented from using 'cruel, inhumane, and degrading' methods to elicit intelligence from detainees."

Herr MonkeyBone's regime has some real winners in it, eh?

11.17.05 :: bust a gut edition
Reading about speed-eating champ Sonya Thomas actually made me nauseous. The photos were even worse. All I think about when I think about eating contests in Lard Ass from Stand by Me. Barf-o-rama.

11.17.05 :: protect/protest edition
I must be musically minded today.

Lovely bit of information on Sony/BMG's computer-crashing software, XCP. So the software was embedded on several Sony-released music CDs. It automatically loaded whenever the CDs were played on a computer running Microsoft Windows. It's supposed to stop people from duplicating the CDs. Anti-piracy and all that jazz.

Problem is, the XCP program basically bends your computer over a barrel and posts a big neon sign overhead, flashing "Ream Here." Hackers completely exploited the software, inundating computers with viruses galore. XCP became the computer world's latest STD.

Sony released a patch to supposedly fix this back-door entry problem. The patch causes even more vulnerability. All this because Sony was afraid that someone might pass around Celine Dion a little too liberally. Really.

Great case for why people SHOULDN'T pay for their music, guys. You really kicked your cause in the cajones on this one.

11.17.05 :: worst pies in london edition
The goddess has returned to the Great White Way. I kid you not, my heart skipped a beat when I read that Patti LuPone was starring as Mrs. Lovett in the Broadway revival of Sweeney Todd. How delicious (forgive the pun). I saw her performance in a concert version of this musical on PBS and she was amazing, as usual. I wonder if they're going to release a cast recording. I wonder if I can still get tickets to this.

I'm such a musical whore.

11.17.05 :: the god you know edition
I've hit a whole new level of odd: I'm now wrestling with theological issues during my morning commute...issues inspired by listening to Confessions on a Dance Floor. Of course, since it is Madonna, she has stirred controversy again, this time with a song called "Isaac." The song is dedicated to Yitzhak Luria, a 16th century Jewish mystic and Kabbalah scholar. She is being condemned. For celebrating religion. (Tangentially, this is a beautiful song; possibly my favorite from the CD.)

Of course, that got me thinking about Psalm 100 (beware the ersatz agnostic who can quote scripture): "Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye lands. Serve the Lord with gladness; come before His presence with singing..." There's more, but basically the entire chapter is telling us, rejoice in your faith that you were created with love and that your God is going to protect you and shower you with His mercy.

Doesn't really sound like the God of today, does it? And that started me thinking about "the God you know" (recognize this title?). God is known to us through our mortal minds. Fallible, imperfect minds that see things through the lens of what is in our hearts. My God is forgiving, merciful, loving, and accepting. My God is praised through song and joy. My God is apparently a minority.

God through the eyes of those in control in this country is violent and vengeful, full of judgment and hate. MonkeyBone's God is full of gunpowder and grenades. He believes he will be rewarded by his God for the murder he is bringing to another country. Funny how that is so similar to the belief of those who brought murder to our front door in 2001.

The Bible is a very long book, filled with many things. We glean from it what we are looking for. If we want to hate someone, we'll find a way to hate them biblically. I just wonder what we sacrifice by ignoring the beauty and mercy within the Bible and focusing only on the vengeance.

Like I said, I've reached a whole new level of odd.

11.16.05 :: when stupid people meet edition
I really don't mean to harp on this one, but police have now arrested the Cell Phone Bandit's boyfriend. Apparently, that's with whom she was speaking on her cell phone. These two deserve each other. Neither old enough to drink, but old enough to trash their lives and reputations for...money to go on a Circuit City spending spree?

Yeah, that's worth jail time.

11.15.05 :: flip flop and fumble edition
MonkeyBone is now saying that he and his gargoyles maybe, kinda, sorta might have been wrong in their assertions about why we needed to invade Iraq (at least the assertions they made public). But, in true MonkeyBone style, he is trying to write history through another lie-until-its-true campaign. This time, he's decided that EVERYONE was wrong, so we should all just move along home.

The problem with this statement is that, yes, many may have been wrong in their decisions...but some were wrong because they were fed misinformation. And then there are those who knowingly upheld misinformation because it fed their goals.

Wonder to which group MonkeyBone and Co. belong...

Return to 11.21.05 contemplation.

11.15.05 :: republican retreat edition
The God-Ordained Plutocracy is now deciding that it's time to come up with a plan for pulling American troops from Iraq. Bill Frist is at the forefront of this change in direction. Someone's building support for a presidential run.

11.15.05 :: ray of...hope edition
I'm listening to Madonna's latest CD through MTV's The Leak Web site (warning now: use Internet Explorer; my beloved Netscape couldn't get this to trigger). I'm actually enjoying the CD. It's literally one long listening session...all the songs blend right into each other so there's no respite from the Material Girl...but that's the way we like her, right?

Hmm. I might actually buy this one.

11.15.05 :: lions and soldiers and lies, oh my... edition
Two Iraqis are accusing American soldiers of torture, including stomping on and letting dogs walk on copies of the Koran, pretending to execute them, and throwing them into a cage with lions. A Pentagon spokersperson suggests that these are "false allegations."

Would American soldiers do something like this? I have two words that come to mind that cause me to doubt American denial of these actions: Abu Ghraib.

11.15.05 :: new cell edition
They caught the Cell Phone Bandit this morning in Bumfu...er, Centreville, Virginia. She's 19 years old. Someone involved in the case described her as a "good girl who comes from a good home."

Good girl? No Jennifer Aniston here, sorry. She robbed four banks while yacking on a cell phone. Unless she has some great Jean Valjean reason for these robberies, I ain't buying it.

11.14.05 :: irrelevant edition
Who needs news when you can go to the World Beard and Moustache Championship site. This is just funny. And I totally dig Elmar Weisser and his Berlin tribute. I don't think I'd want to sit near any of these guys during dinner though.

11.11.05 :: sun dog edition
Not to sound blasphemous...but Jodie works in mysterious ways. I wasn't even looking for this beautiful tribute by a fellow Black Dog owner for his beloved April...stumbled upon it utterly by chance (would you believe I found it because I was reading an article on hip-hop fashion?).

Many things from this piece pierced my soul...the image of April's dog tag, so similar to a photo I took of Jodie's tag one evening as I played with my new digital camera. The joy of April's heart, just as full as the joy that burst every day from Jodie's heart, like sunrise in fur.

The pain of watching your best friend ravaged by a disease unrepentantly unstoppable. The truth of what we did to try, just for a while, to make life continue as right as possible for these friends, these defenders of our innocence. The Look and how the moment of receipt is forever remembered (October 10, 2005, 6:15 a.m.). The searing of the soul as you're forced to forever relinquish hold of the physical form, blinded by tears to the truth that that ethereal will always live with you.

This piece will make you cry. It doesn't matter, though. Love does that. And tears help soothe the pain and wash it away.

I hope that Jodie has met April; I'm sure they're getting along famously.

I am now two dogs old.

11.11.05 :: recognized edition
Fame in no way makes the crime more atrocious, but more resonant due to familiarity. So was the feeling that coursed through me when I read that Moustapha Akkad was one of those killed in the Jordan bombings along with his daughter, Rima Akkad Monla. Thanks to Mr. Akkad's financial backing, John Carpenter was able to make Halloween. Akkad made it possible for the horror genre to gain one of its finest offerings.

11.11.05 :: cell for a cell edition
"Your call is very important to us; your gun is even more so." Thus I introduce the Cell Phone Bandit. What a perfect opportunity for people with repressed anger who hate people who talk incessantly on their cell phones. You see this chick, getting ready to pull another heist while yacking away, and BAM! Tackled at the 20-yard line, with an extra pimp slap just for being obnoxious enough to chat and steal.

11.10.05 :: damn-nation edition
Dang. I know from personal experience how hard-core the religious zealots can be...but dayum. People for the American Way apparently rounds up the highlights...er, lowlights of religiosity in this country. Top on the list right now? Pat Robertson has declared that if anything bad happens to the City of Dover, Pennsylvania...well, they deserve it since they voted for DemocRATS who opposed adding information on Intelligent Design to school science textbooks.

Hard-core, Pat. Hard-core. Loved watching the video, too. Love how it's set up to look like a real news report.

11.10.05 :: friday night fights edition
Friday night football games have now turned into the modern day equivalent of pistols at dawn for the kiddie set.

Suitable punishment is not moving the football games to a different time. Suitable punishment is taking away the privilege of football until these students prove they have learned how to appreciate privileges.

11.10.05 :: polar power edition
ANWR has been saved from Big Oil's drills once again. I think Big Oil has gained enough this year. Case in point: Even at a hearing to discover the truth behind gross profits earned by oil companies throughout the past fiscal year, senators couldn't have been more sycophantic. Way to defend your constituents.

11.10.05 :: paris, blogging and burning edition
Paris police have discovered that rioters used the Internet and text messaging to rally those to their cause.

Vive la technologie...

11.10.05
More bombings, this time in Jordan. And our efforts in Iraq are supposed to be making things better? One of the bombers actually left the hotel she was scheduled to attack because her detonator did not work...she left to get the detonator fixed, returned, and blew herself up in the hotel lobby.

Obviously, death does not frighten them. So how do we think we're going to stop al Qaeda with war and weapons?

11.09.05 :: clean sweep edition
Democracy reigns in Red-State Virginia. Big surprise that there was a GOP backlash. Anyone from this area will understand the sarcastic sentiment of that statement. The advertisements that Republican candidate Jerry Kilgore ran against Tim Kaine were about as dirty as political mud-slinging can go. Could this be a new trend? That people would rather hear about issues instead of political muck-raking? I hope.

11.08.05 :: still lurking edition
I do apologize, snoggees, for my spotty contemplations as of late. Obviously, my heart and thoughts are not quite as into politics and the state of affairs right now as they typically are. I've also hit a spike in workload during the day, which keeps me from perusing the online papers (isn't that a great oxymoron?)

Tonight I just want to share something that greatly amuses/pleases me. Through a series of interesting connections, I have learned that I am four degrees separated from Jodie Foster. Think about it really hard and you'll understand the significance of this statement.

11.05.05 :: celestial remains edition
Copernicus' remains may have been discovered in Warsaw. Immediately following this announcement, the MonkeyBone adminstration declared that they wanted the remains burned as punishment for Copernicus' heretical theory that the earth did not revolve around the God-Ordained Plutocracy.

Happy Saturday.

11.03.05 :: blather edition
I'm feeling less political today. Don't really feel like blogging anything too poignant.

I hate the word "pandemic." I'm so tired of hearing it. It's like when reporters kept using "sexy" out of context. Stop using it. Really. We get it.

I helped get a man pulled over 2 days ago. He was driving in the HOV lane during rush hour. When he saw that state troopers had taken up their usual post to catch people like him, he tried to hurriedly merge over. Unfortunately for him, he tried to cut me off. I was thinking...no.

Am I rambling? I'm not sleeping very well right now. I still very much miss my Jodie girl. Everything aches below the numbness. One of the most disturbing things? I've completely lost all interest in reading. I try, but all I do is stare at the same page, remembering how Jodie used to rest her head against my leg to get her fur scratched while I sat reading. Book time is now furless.

Last night I sorted through some DVDs, rearranging them to different shelves. I found that both my Tomb Raider and X-Men DVD sets have traces of dried condensation on their edges. Jodie nose prints similar to the ones that I still haven't washed off the sliding glass door. She used to push on the DVDs whenever she passed them, just like she used to lick the edges of my books.

It's so strange that she can be everywhere and nowhere all at once.

11.02.05 :: pack pride edition
It's been a long time since I've been able to say this: I'm proud of my political party. I want answers as to why we're embroiled in a war begun by faulty information. I want to know how the leading superpower in the whole world could have botched this so badly. Was it accidental? For some reason I highly doubt it. So does that mean that all the foot dragging is because the GOP doesn't want people to see their ugly underside? Could be.

I want answers. And it's about time that the Democrats demanded what so many in this country want and deserve.

As for Bill Frist and his announcement that he can't trust Senator Reid, who called for the closed-door session...now you know how I and so many others feel toward your entire party. Methinks your greatest beef is that it's usually your party that gets away with the hijacking and underhanded tricks.

BooYa, donkeys.

11.01.05 :: paternal edition
Woody Allen is grateful for his wife and says that his relationship has "a more paternal feeling." Huh. And why wouldn't the relationship work out well? He helped rear her to be the wife he always wanted.

11.01.05 :: parental counterattack edition
Seems that more and more parents are becoming aware of the aggressive recruiting tactics being employed by the U.S. military. Their response? Leave my child alone.

Of course, the article only focuses on public schools, which raises a question in my extremely jaded brain: Are the recruiters placing the same pressure on the children of the elite who attend schools like Bullis, where tuition, fees, and books for 1 year can run up to almost $25,000. That's 1 year.

That's almost more money than all 5 of my college years cost. Of course, I'm just a prole who attended a community college and a state university. And in the fairness of full disclosure, yes, I attended a private school for my early education. Of course, the alternative was a P.G. County pubic school (not a typo). It was also the least expensive private school my parents could find and it was an unaccredited religious school run by a Southern Baptist preacher. I gained a hyper-conservative Christian but still somewhat decent education, which was not acknowledged by any real college (although I could have easily gotten into Bob Jones University!), and lots of stories that make my friends and coworkers laugh with gaping mouths that anyone could live through such a schooling.

10.31.05 :: campy, creepy cbs edition
Last night I caught part of Vampire Bats, a movie that I wish I had watched, not because it was spectacular or Oscar-caliber. It's because it was hilariously funny and had two of my favorites: Lucy Lawless and Brett Butler. Xena battling vampire bats in a 'do rag! And Brett Butler! I love her. And her role in this movie was so small, but so quintessentially her. I've seen her stand-up routines three times so far and all I can say is, bring on number four!

I hope they release this movie on DVD...it will definitely go on my Netflix list...

10.31.05 :: scalito scotus scam edition
The more I think about it, the more I think MonkeyBone's nomination of Harriet Miers was just a half-assed attempt to appease those who wanted him to nominate a woman to the Supreme Court. I think he knew from the beginning that Miers would never make it, but now at least he can say that he did try to nominate a woman, plus he can blame the Democrats and those GOP dissenters for stopping him from placing a woman in O'Connors' seat. I think Alito was his first choice right from the beginning.

What do I think about Alito? More reading is required. I'm highly disturbed by some of what I have read thus far, including his opinion about the spousal notification provision that he supported in a Pennsylvania case of Planned Parenthood vs. Casey in 1991. A woman should first check with her husband before getting an abortion? Ironically, the case made its way to the Supreme Court, where this provision was struck down, including by Sandra Day O'Connor. A sample of what she wrote in response to this provision:

...It embodies a view of marriage consonant with the common law status of married women, but repugnant to our present understanding of marriage and of the nature of the rights secured by the Constitution. Women do not lose their constitutionally protected liberty when they marry....The Constitution protects all individuals, male or female, married or unmarried, from the abuse of governmental power, even where that power is employed for the supposed benefit of a member of the individual's family.

Damn it's a shame that she wants to retire.

10.28.05 :: indictment #1 edition
Scat, Scoot. Vamoose.

Next!

10.28.05 :: boschian edition
I love Hieronymus Bosch. What a grotesque imagination there...Wes Craven wishes he had a mind like that. (Tangential link: these Bosch action figures are hilarious...I want a set for my desk.)

Anyway, after reading about how oil companies are trying to make their hefty profits sound like no big deal, I found myself imagining the visual punishments that Bosch would create especially for them. I imagine it would consist of gas pumps emerging from various secreted orifices.

10.28.05 :: shprockets edition
It's like Christmas morning...as Dieter would say, "I'm as happy as a little girl..."

All joviality aside, I can't believe that it has taken this long for this to come to head. I can't believe that MonkeyBone didn't take such a leak more seriously than he did (which is to say, I can't believe that he didn't take it seriously at all). What awful people, to do something like this to a CIA operative because her husband spoke out against the regime. Who knows what could have happened to Valerie Plame...then again, obviously, this regime doesn't have any problem with unnecessary deaths. All part of the business, right, boys?

10.27.05 :: accept defeat edition
Hmm, seems the GOP is steadily losing its bluster: Harriet Miers concedes that being a MonkeyBone crony does not make one Supreme Court material.

10.26.05 :: nra poster child edition
An 8-year-old Maryland girl is receiving accolades for pumping a black bear full of lead. Skipped school to kill a bear. There's even a photo of her in camos and a safety vest (this is always ironic to me..they're the ones who need safety?), sitting in the back of a truck next to the bear's carcass. Her quote about killing the bear? "I was really, really, really happy. They won't eat now. They won't eat a thing." She's having the bear stuffed. Isn't that sweet?

10.26.05 :: wheel-a-while edition
Another busy work day, but I couldn't resist posting this great story. I hope that when I'm 90, I'm still buckling up my rollerblades. Happy Birthday, Rhoda.

10.26.05 :: sense of meaning edition
I have always loved Joan Didion. I can't wait to pick up a copy of The Year of Magical Thinking but this article will suffice for the moment.

10.25.05 :: sacrifice edition
We have now officially lost 2,000 U.S. soldiers in Iraq. Bill Frist reported the news to the Senate and called for a moment of silence. Wow. Way to negate the other 1,999 deaths by only paying tribute to a nice round number. Bet that made you feel all big boy important, didn't it, Billy?

Meanwhile, MonkeyBone, in a speech before the Joint Armed Forces Officers' Wives' luncheon, declared that "A time of war is a time for sacrifice." What, you mean like how your fat oil cronies are sacrificing? Like how oil companies are showing a 50-percent profit over their numbers at this time last year? Fifty percent! What an amazing sacrifice on their part!

I bet if you went through the upper echelon of any of these companies, you wouldn't find one family who has a son or daughter serving over in Iraq right now. Almost the same with our government representatives. No, that "privilege" is typically reserved for the poor families' children.

So tell me, Herr MonkeyBone, what are you and yours doing to sacrifice for this worthy cause? What's that? Nothing? That's what I thought.

10.25.05 :: visual pun edition
Loba Fun Fact #45: I love the Absolut Vodka ads.

10.25.05 :: steele yourself edition
Maryland's current lieutenant governor, Michael Steele, is going to announce that he will willingly deepen his status as a GOP tool.

10.25.05 :: bewitched, bonded, and bewildered edition
So Nicole Kidman and Craig, Daniel Craig are in D.C. filming a movie. It's basically a spiced-up remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Actually, I guess it would be a remake of a remake, since there have already been two versions of this movie. So wow...Hollywood has officially reached a new low by remaking a movie that has already been remade.

Good on ya.

10.25.05 :: frozen in time edition
File under the Better Late Than Never folder. I hope to see a follow-up piece declaring that they have identified this soldier and have let his family know that he has finally come home.

10.25.05 :: final journey edition
Rosa Parks has gone to the other side. All she wanted almost 50 years ago was to keep her seat on a bus. Such a small, quiet act that sparked a raging fire. Truly, those who ignore an angry shout may strain to hear a whisper...and Ms. Parks' whisper was crystal clear that day.

10.24.05 :: mugging edition

Okay, I have to ask it: Why the hell was Tom DeLay allowed to lay down the ground rules for his own mugshot? It looked more like a campaign photo than due documentation of him in his natural (re: criminal) element. That's just not right. Do other criminals get the same luxury? Even famous people must bear the mantle of bad publicity from wicked bad mugshots. Excellent case in point: This could either be Wynonna's mugshot for her 2003 DWI bust or her lost audition shot for the role of the Joker in 1989's Batman. And Tim Burton gave the role to Jack Nicholson? What the hell was he thinking? (This was just for you, A2 ;-)

10.24.05 :: excess edition
Holy never leave the couch again, Batman. Yes, folks, that's right. For a mere $2,550, all theses DVDs can be yours.

I don't know. There's just something so grotesque about this offer. So over the top. So greedy. So Amuhrakin.

10.24.05 :: road rage to perdition edition
Another sunny update from beautiful P.G. County. Always great to read about the happy happenings in my old hometown. I particularly enjoy the part about how the shooter is going to plead innocent and claim that his actions were justified. Justifiable road rage-induced murder?

Return to 05.03.06 contemplation

10.21.05 :: list edition
I love order (no! we never noticed that before...). I love lists. So I dig checking out the lists on AFI's 100 Years...100 Lists.

Easy reading for a rainy Friday afternoon...

10.21.05 :: battered edition
Does anyone wonder why my parents didn't want to send me to a P.G. County public school? And Gwynn Park used to be one of the better schools in the county...

Return to 05.03.06 contemplation.

10.21.05 :: schadenfreude edition
I don't really have much else to say about this one. Why take glee in the crumbling of the Dark Side? Because reading about how Brown needed more time to eat his dinner while New Orleans flooded is just too reminiscent of Nero fiddling while Rome burned.

10.20.05 :: writ of capias edition
Shweet. Can't wait to see The Hammer's mugshot. They might want to just double-check on where he gets his $10,000 bail. You know how he is with money...

I particularly like how DeLay calls the Democratic district attorney prosecuting his case "an unabashed partisan zealot."

Three words for that one: Pot. Kettle. Black.

Say cheese, Hammer.

10.20.05 :: banned edition
I stand by my belief that words carry such incredible power and that they deserve to be read and respected. So it breaks my heart that a few ignorant parents have drawn a close to what could have been an incredibly enlightening and provocative class assignment. The real kick in the ass is the fact that the children of these parents have probably already been exposed to hours upon hours of television and movies that are far worse (and far less thought-provoking) than the banned books on this list. Thanks to a few, now all the students in this class will miss out on an experience that I longed to have when I was in high school: the right to be challenged to think independently.

10.20.05 :: thousand words edition
Montgomery County Executive Doug Duncan announced this morning that he would be running for Maryland governor. I need to do a little reading on the Democratic candidates before I decide on the best nominee...but I have to say, I'm very interested in/disturbed by what I can only interpret as a bias held by the Post toward Duncan. I mean, how else can one explain their choice of photo for this article? Among the myriad images of Mr. Duncan, how very telling that they would select the one image that makes him appear most doltish.

How very tabloidesque of them.

10.20.05 :: in flux edition
I am by no means excited about the upcoming movie version of Aeon Flux. I am, however, filled with great joy because of the upcoming DVD box set of the original cartoon series. This remains one of my favorite and all-too-short-lived cartoons.

10.20.05 :: dog's best friend edition
Beautiful article in this morning's paper about a soldier who fought to save his best friend from Iraq.

10.19.05 :: color me orwellian edition
I wish George Orwell could see the fruition of his dystopia. Although I'm not so sure he'd want to be around to see all the things that are following so closely to his warning of the way things could be. After all, the current administration may not have their own memory holes, but they are most definitely well versed in how to create their own versions of history. I've mentioned before their modus operandi of repeating lies until they become the truth.

And of course there are the well-scripted "impromptu" sessions with MonkeyBone, like his town hall meetings during his re-election campaign. Remember those? Where only the extremely loyal were allowed inside the inner sanctum, and their "questions" were typically something like, "Mr. President, I just wanted to let you know that I thank the Lord every night that you are our commander in chief." Whathafu?

Now, with poll numbers preparing for impact, the administration is trying the same thing with MonkeyBone and the soldiers he has sentenced to Iraq. Wild guess here, but I bet it took them a while to find enough soldiers who were willing to play along and not tell the truth about what they're witnessing over there. I guess one could say that MonkeyBone's administration is actually one notch ahead of Orwell's future. After all, why rewrite history when you can write it your way the first time?

Scum.

Then there's this nifty little piece on tracking methods implanted in color printers. Interestingly enough, I actually learned about this on an episode of CSI. Who says you can't learn anything from television. Guess it's back to hand-printing all those anonymous letters to the White House. Damn.

10.18.05 :: pack edition
Not much is sparking my interest or my ire right now...but I always love a happy wolf story...especially one that supports my belief that wolves are not the devils of nature that so many have made them out to be throughout history. I also love that this article uses one of my favorite words: peripatetic.

10.17.05 :: drawn together edition
I've always had a fascination with courtroom artists (which is why I was probably one of the only people to actually tape both Sketch Artist movies and Evil Has a Face...whatever; not everything I like has to be Mensa level).

Anyway, this was a very interesting article on a mother-daughter courtroom artist team that I thought you dear snoggees might enjoy.

10.13.05 :: deer crossing edition
When tree huggers become planners. I love this idea.

10.13.05
Still here...just a little more introverted than usual right now.

I want to say thank you to everyone. Thank you for your kindness. Thank you for your memories of Jodie or of memories you have shared of your own precious ones. Thank you to those who have given donations to Canine Cancer Awareness to support Mali. That means the world to me.

Thank you especially to Rach. You were there with me to help Jodie begin her new journey, even though it meant also being there to let her go from this journey. There were few people in Jodie's life whom she recognized by special nicknames. She knew you as her "Little One." She knew the sound of your car. She knew that when you sat on the floor, it was time to find Mr. Bunny for a squeaky toy tug-of-war session. She knew that you were the one to go to for "people food" treats sneaked under the table. Not even I could give her better ear scratches.

Thank you seems both inadequate and copious at once.

10.10.05 :: 1:37 p.m. edition
How do you say goodbye to your heart? I learned that the hard way this afternoon. My sweet Jodie girl grew too weary of a fight that was unfair on so many levels. The cancer was too overpowering, even for her incredibly courageous heart. I stayed with her right to the very end, when she left with all the beauty and strength that marked every day of her amazing life.

On June 28, 1997, she chose me as her pack. Every second from that day until this has been a gift. We are chosen by these wonderful animals for the lessons they will teach us. Jodie taught me to laugh at every day. She taught me that every second is amazing and should be enjoyed to the fullest. She taught me what courage truly looks like: It's got four furry paws and a happy, curly tail that wags no matter what. It's got mismatched eyes and a tongue always ready for sloppy puppy kisses.

She taught me that love tears your heart out sometimes and leaves an ache that you fear will never end...but that love is also the balm to its own pain.

Jodie is my heart. Rest well, sweet girl. I love you forever.

10.06.05 :: interrogative edition
In defiance of White House backing, the Senate has voted for interrogation limits toward prisoners. The vote was 90-9. Among the nine who voted against the limits are Senators de Sade, Tepes, and Scrivello.

10.06.05 :: limited edition
Mmm, mashed potato soda. Right up there with the ear wax flavored Bertie Botts jelly beans. Jones has always been eclectic, but I just can't bring myself to try these sodas. Although I have to confess to a certain curiosity over the candy corn soda. Candy corn is my seasonal kryptonite. Those little teepees of unholy glucose goodness make my knees buckle with anticipation. I suspect the feeling is similar to how Marion Barry feels when he sees a crack pipe.

Speaking of Mr. Barry (what a segue!), what's up with the income tax dodging? You know, it's tax money that gave him three hots and a cot for his last stay at Club Penitentiary. I think if anyone has a civic duty to pay some of that money back, it would be Mr. Barry.

10.06.05 :: gluttony edition
Well, it is one the seven deadly sins...in addition to being the keystone of American society. But seems as though even the animal kingdom is succumbing to a little overindulging. Who knew that a python could eat an alligator? Although, apparently that's not completely true...

10.06.05 :: lenin, part deux edition
And yesterday I just thought that I was posting an interesting article on Lenin's body. Now I find out that it's becoming quite the big ordeal that the Russians are putting to a vote...on the Internet. Really.

10.05.05 :: lenin's legacy edition
I'm always fascinated by the funereal rites we afford those of influence in this life. For example, the Ronald Reagan rites that seemed neverending. Or even more intriguing, the post-mortem escapades of Eva Peron (if you don't know about the travels she made after her death, I would recommend Tomas Eloy Martinez's Santa Evita).

Now, the Russians are once again trying to figure out if it's time to end Lenin's 80-year public display. Ya know, it might just be time to let him rest...

10.04.05 :: abomination edition
Tom DeLay called his second indictment "an abomination of justice."

Nah. Wasting tax dollars and time fighting to impeach a president because he lied about getting blowjobs from an intern...that could qualify as an abomination of justice. Finally seeing the corruption in the Repubican regime rooted out? That's MasterCard, baby...absolutely priceless.

Of course, The Hammer has taken the time to declare on his Web site (I am not linking to that one; sorry) that the charges against him are partisan (of course) and untrue (right). And he also offers his own explanation of the charges brought against him by his partisan crucifier. I'm certain it's a completely non-partisan explanation. Yeah.

All I have to say at this point is your cell mates are going to love your nickname, Tommy Boy.

10.04.05 :: energy hog edition
Whathafu? You've continuously smirked at and derided those who have told you that there is an energy crisis. Your Puppet Master Veep has Big Oil's hand so far up his ass, we can all see them flipping us the finger whenever Big Time flashes us that charming smile of his. You think global warming is a partisan joke. Your energy bill's answer to our dependence on oil is to drill polar bears in ANWR. And now you're telling us to insulate our homes, turn down our thermostats, and not take trips that aren't necessary?

And you're going to waste my tax dollars on some campaign with a mascot that looks like it was modeled after one of your typical Big Industry supporters?

The great irony of all this? The ones who will be most affected by the rising cost of heating oil? Middle Amuhrka. A 71 percent price jump for the Midwest is expected this winter.

"And that's all I have to say about that..."

10.04.05 :: scotus edition
I love that acronym.

The more I read about Harriet Miers, the angrier I become. She is not qualified to serve as a Supreme Court justice. Pardon the image, but she couldn't form a patch on Sandra Day O'Connor's ass. Now there is a capable, qualified, respectable Justice.

Miers is a MonkeyBone minion, another crony who, because she clears brush with him on his ranch and tithes to her church to help Jesus smite those who oppose her Christian beliefs, deserves this? Dirty trick to nominate someone who has no paper trail of judicial rulings...

And this nomination was meant to avoid a battle over SCOTUS confirmation? You know what, if the Democrats don't fight this, I swear that I will change my party registration.

10.04.05 :: nasty, brutish, and short edition
No, I'm not describing the president (although it is a pretty accurate description, no?). This is how 17th-century philosopher Thomas Hobbes described life. Then there was John Calvin, the 16th-century Protestant theologian who believed in predestination.

Wait a tick...Hobbes? Calvin? Whatever could I be getting to with this entry? First, read this wonderful article from the Washington Post on what remains my absolute favorite comic strip. I still read Calvin and Hobbes every morning. As soon as I can place aside the money, I am most definitely going to purchase The Complete Calvin and Hobbes. Not only was this an amazing (allbeit far too short-lived) comic, but I have total respect for Bill Watterson. The man could have been a millionaire five times over had he sold his characters to all the expected venues: greeting cards, stuffed Hobbes tigers, calendars, cartoons, cereals, ad nauseum. But he didn't. Because he drew for love of a little boy and his best friend. And monster snow goons and T-Rexes...

10.03.05 :: decade of division edition
Wow. I can't believe that I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing 10 years ago today. But I do. I was sitting in my computer science class at the community college I attended. The professors stopped class and flicked on the television so that we could hear the verdict for Orenthal James Simpson. I remember that when they announced that he had been found not guilty, my hand clenched so tightly and so suddenly that I snapped my pencil in two.

People who know me well know my thoughts on this case. People who want to know me better are more than welcome to engage me in conversation on the topic.I welcome debate.

I also can't help but wonder how O.J.'s search for the real killer has panned out...

10.03.05 :: hopelessly devoted edition
Education Secretary Margaret Spellings on Harriet Miers: "She never seeks the limelight. She's just extremely devoted to the president."

Blarg. Are we all going to break out in song now? Put on our poodle skirts and drive down to the sock hop?

The thought of a Supreme Court justice who is "extremely devoted" to a simian-brained, warmongering man-child idealogue with not even the mental acuity to eat pretzels and watch a ball game at the same time without choking himself into unconsciousness nauseates me.

Dear Deities, WHY?!

10.03.05 :: warrior planet edition
OmG. How friggin' funny is this? I wonder how Lucy and Renee feel about having a planet and a moon named after their television alter-egos...

10.03.05 :: pit bull shit edition
I shouldn't be surprised by the depths of arrogance that MonkeyBone exudes. Because I have decided that the decisions he makes do not stem from stupidity. They stem from the simple fact that he is an arrogant little shit. How else can one explain how, in the face of constant criticism for his administration's rampant cronyism (including the deadly FEMA disaster headed by good ole Brownie), he would name Harriet Miers as Sandra Day O'Connor's successor on the Supreme Court? She used to be his personal lawyer back in Texas. She has absolutely no bench experience whatsoever. True, Rehnquist didn't either, but he at least worked for DOJ...which, pardon my snobbery, is a little more impressive than being president of the State Bar of Texas and chairwoman of the Texas Lottery Commission. Could we get someone from this adminstration who has nothing to do with Texas?!

All I can think is she must have saved MonkeyBone's drunken, coked-out ass from huge trouble for him to want to thank her by making her a member of the highest court in the nation.

10.03.05
Jodie is still fighting the valiant fight. She had many good, lucid moments the weekend. She had many strong moments. She had her share of frightening moments as well. What counts is that they were far fewer than the good. She still perks up at the secret word (bikkie); she still self-grooms; she still gives ample doggie-kiss love.

She is still Jodie.

09.30.05
Contemplations have halted for a while. Jodie has fallen ill once more to the horrible beast living inside her. The hemangiosarcoma has returned, most definitely affecting the nodules that were present on her liver when the doctors performed her splenectomy. She is bleeding internally once again. I have turned to holistic medicine to help her. She is on Yunnan Paiyao to stop the bleeding, and she received acupuncture yesterday. Amazingly, the acupuncture seemed to both mellow and strengthen her. Last night was very long though.

I'm sure that many out there must read about all that I am doing for Jodie and wonder if I have gone completely insane. Those people could never understand: It's because when I look at her, I see the purest love and most selfless devotion I have ever known. I see my best friend. I see my heart.

The holistic vet told me yesterday that she could tell Jodie was fighting a valiant fight. As long as Jodie is fighting this illness, I will do whatever it takes to help her battle. I only pray that when she has grown weary of the fight that I have the strength to let her go.

09.27.05 :: buck passing edition
Really busy at work today, but this just deserved a comment. So not only is good ole "heckuva job Brownie" blaming Louisiana local government for his agency's botched response, but he's saying that the other states had it together because they are run by Republicans and Louisiana is run by a Democrat.

So, if the Republicans are so great at coordinating things in times of crisis...why the hell did the Republican-run administration (which has higher authority than the Democratic governor) fuck up the New Orleans rescue so horrendously?

I think my favorite Brownie quote, though, has to be "It is inherently impractical, totally impractical, for the federal government to respond to every disaster of whatever size in every community across the country."

Hmm...so the people in New Orleans who lost everything they own and were living in squalor...were they just being impractical to expect that their federal government would, at the very least, deliver them some bottled water?

What a buck-passing bee-atch.

09.26.05 :: letter of the law edition
Nice to see that D.C. police are still doing a bang-up job of protecting the city from those hardened criminals.

09.26.05 :: courageous edition
I hope that Martine Wright achieves her wish of walking once more.

Here's another part of her courageous story.

09.26.05 :: props edition
I was thinking about this: I have it pretty easy as a political malcontent. D.C. is right in my backyard. If I hear about an event, rally, protest, march, or whatever--even if it's the day before--all I have to do is roll my old bones out of bed, hop on the Metro, and boom! I'm there.

Absolute respect, therefore, to those people who rode for hours on buses, trains, planes, or cars to get to the anti-war protest this past weekend. You all are the true heart of democracy.

09.24.05 :: rally edition
The anti-war protest was only supposed to draw around 100,000 people. Last count I heard was closer to 200,000. Enough people to completely surround the White House.

Cindy Sheehan was there, still waiting to be heard once again by MonkeyBone. Jessie Jackson was there. Jessica Lange was there, too. I was surprised that Susan Sarandon wasn't there with Tim Robbins. That's all right. Ms. Lange gave an eloquent speech...although it was nowhere near filled with the anger heard in other speeches. Lots of anger.

There were some MonkeyBone supporters yelling "Shame on you" but really...shame on them for supporting a war that never should have been...a war that has so depleted our budget that, coupled with the massive funding needed for the rebuilding efforts in the Gulf states, we're going to be so deeply entrenched in debt that this generation's grandchildren may still be bearing the burden.

The saddest thing, though, is the feeling that no matter how many people are against him, MonkeyBone is too stupid and too arrogant to ever care. Such is the attitude of those privileged enough to never have to put in an honest day's work in their entire life.

09.23.05
"Awful" does not encompass this tragedy heaped on top of tragedy. Add these elderly to all the elderly who died in nursing homes in New Orleans, including this horrendous story of 22 from a nun-run nursing home whose prayers were never answered.

09.23.05 :: protest edition
Anti-war protest this weekend in D.C. Be there if you can.

09.23.05 :: information collector edition
So did you know that buried deep within the No Child Left Behind Act, Subpart 2, Section 9528, there is a provision that requires high schools to turn over student information to military recruiters? We're talking mailing addresses, e-mail, even cell phone numbers. Now why would the military want to circumvent parents in such a way? Could it be because parents have a way of...I don't know...wanting to protect their children? And talk about making it easy if they ever reinstate the draft. All that information right there at their fingertips...all thanks to the No Child Left Behind (During War) Act.

Of course, this isn't a new thing. After all, the draft board once sent a registration notice to an imaginary teenager who existed only on a mailing list kept by an ice cream store. "Here's your free birthday sundae...and your military fatigues."

There is hope, however, for parents who would prefer that the military not directly proselytize their children: Leave My Child Alone. If you've got kids between 16 and 25, you might want to check this out.

Return to 11.01.05 contemplation.

09.22.05
I'm one who rarely asks for help...but when my help is requested, I give as much as possible. I hope my snoggees have similar feelings. That's why I'm posting this request from CanineCancerAwareness.org. Mali, the black Labrador mix (currently) listed first, is going through the same cancer highs and lows as Jodie. In fact, she's been my greatest hope that Jodie will be able to survive a cancer that almost every vet has told me she wouldn't survive (tomorrow is Jodie's 20-week survival anniversary, thank you).

Mali's owner recently lost everything in Hurricane Katrina. I mean everything: her house, her job, her cats (one confirmed dead and two still missing; I hope they can come home to her soon).

In the face of all this personal loss, she is most concerned about keeping up with Mali's treatment. So if anyone out there can make a donation, no matter how much, that would be awesome.

09.22.05 :: preselected edition
Every year, the National Weather Service preselects 21 names for that year's hurricane season. This year, there are only four names left: Stan, Tammy, Vince, and Wilma. No global warming, my ass.

Rita's inching along toward the Texas coast. She's now a category 5, which is as high a ranking as hurricanes go. I hope Galveston learned from New Orleans and that they are helping all their residents evacuate as quickly as possible.

09.22.05 :: no harm edition
Apparently, veterinarians aren't required to take the Hippocratic Oath. Perhaps if they were, then Jodie wouldn't now have a pulled muscle in her front right paw after her visit with the Iron Maiden Veterinary Hospital. Someone's going to get an earful today when I call...

The excellent news, though, is that the lump is a lypoma: a non-cancerous fatty deposit. Now it's plenty of rest, no collar on for a week, and plenty of whatever else she wants.

09.20.05 :: re-check edition
Jodie made the decision for me about going to the ANWR drilling protest. I found a lump under her front right "paw pit" this weekend. It might be nothing. It might be something. I'm not willing to take the risk, so today is re-check day.

I still, nonetheless, feel very strongly about this. I cannot believe that this administration would willingly destroy the migratory grounds of hundreds of animals, including caribou that keep a nation from disappearing, for nothing more than what many scientists believe is barely 6 months' worth of oil. Death and destruction so SUVs can continue to consume mass quantities of a finite resource? Don't we have enough of that in Iraq?

If any D.C. area snoggees would like to attend, it's today from 11 a.m-1 p.m. on the west lawn of the Capitol. The Web site is Arctic Refuge Action. If you go, maybe you can send me some pix (I'd especially like a shot or two of the people in polar bear suits).

09.19.05 :: different mindset edition
My boss and I decided to try to "think like Republicans" this morning. She liked my idea about cutting EPA and HUD...said those were both useless agencies that just pandered to useless special interest groups (because really, poor people housing and environmental protection laws take away land that could be used for more McMansions, dammit!). She came up with a brilliant solution for getting rid...er, taking care of the evacuees who now have no homes. She said that they should all be shipped to Iraq to help freedom on its march.

What a brilliant solution. Made me feel all Faustian when I heard it...

09.17.05 :: cutting edition
MonkeyBone has declared that, in order to help New Orleans and other areas impacted by Hurricane Katrina, there will have to be major cuts of unnecessary federally funded programs. Because deities forbid that we raise taxes. That would mean a reduction in party support from all his rich supporters who have benefited the most from his ridiculously elitist tax cut program.

It frightens me to think what this moron would consider "unnecessary." After all, he's the one who cut all that unnecessary funding to the Army Corps of Engineers' levee study. So, let's see...what will be the first to go. Well, we can completely get rid of EPA. His administration has been slowly gutting it like a fish anyway. Besides, he's already declared that global warming is a partisan myth. Never mind that I can't remember the last time a hurricane season made it to "O" on the East Coast.

Oh, and he can finish off HUD. That's just for poor people anyway. And I think the response to New Orleans' poor is a pretty good indication of where MonkeyBone's administration stands there. You know...God's finally helped them decimate public housing in one area. Perhaps the Divine Destroyer will step in and just wipe out all who are not His chosen people...you know, the GOP.

Actually, I have a perfect place to start cutting unnecessary government funding. Actually, here's another good place to start, too.

09.16.05 :: you people edition
Oh, Bar, you wonderful humanitarian, you.

09.16.05 :: housekeeping edition
Slow day for my brain. I'm doing housekeeping, both at work and in the lair. Jodie had her one-month checkup yesterday. Her bloodwork and chest X-rays came back clean. So that was the enormous sigh of relief you all may have heard at around 8 p.m. EST last night.

I didn't watch MonkeyBone's national pandering last night. I haven't even read anything about it yet. I just don't care. I suspect that he is the worst president I will ever know in my entire lifetime. His words should automatically hit the fiction list the minute he utters them.

I'm seriously thinking about attending an ANWR drilling protest on Capitol Hill on Tuesday. I just wish it wasn't during a work day. But I think I'm reaching that turning point that every Democratic dissident reaches. Blogging gives me a place to vent my frustrations. Donations help me feel as though I'm doing a small part to support the causes in which I believe so strongly. But I'm starting to wish I could do more to stop the insanity being foisted onto the backs of those not protected by the God-Ordained Plutocracy.

So is this the beginning? Will I reach a point where my loyal snoggees will make a game of "Where's Loba?" in which they try to find me on the national news, being hauled off in paddy wagons filled with protesters?

Hmmm...

09.15.05 :: wise man edition
Robert Wise has shuffled off his mortal coil. He directed one of my all-time favorite adaptations of one of my all-time favorite books: 1963's The Haunting, based on Shirley Jackson's The Haunting of Hill House.

Methinks I shall watch this movie tonight in his honor...

09.15.05 :: strays of hope edition
This both breaks and heals my heart. I can only hope that among the many animals being rescued in New Orleans are the three cats belonging to a woman who is currently a member of a canine cancer group I joined.

09.15.05 :: hot flash edition
So the good thing is that I keep my thermostat set to 68 degrees in the winter. Benefit of having a dog who can't stand heat and who is very vocal about her disdain. Plus, I have lots of blankets and a Bunn coffee maker, which brews a pot in like 5 minutes. So perhaps I won't be hit quite as hard as others by the rising heating oil costs.

Guess I have to find a silver lining every now and then...

09.15.05 :: rejection edition
Cuba offered the United States hurricane recovery assistance, and the White House's response was "In terms of Cuba, we would certainly hope that Castro would offer freedom to his people."

So we're going to continue to refuse dealings with Cuba because of their Communist dictator...but we're going to gut the American blue-collar workforce by sending their jobs to China, where the Communist government there will exploit its lower classes for a paltry sum. And Buddha beware should the workers question the state of things. We don't want another June 4 Massacre.

So, admittedly, I'm not a history wiz...so maybe someone out there can explain to me the logic of boycotting Cuba but opening our arms to China. Anyone?

09.14.05 :: divided we fail edition
I'm shocked, shocked to find total partisanship in the Senate. Big surprise that the Repubicans wouldn't want a commission to investigate yet another gaff committed under the leadership of the chimp-in-chief.

Besides, what does a commission mean under this administration anyway? It's just a way for MonkeyBone to fake concern over the questionable actions committed during his questionable presidency.

The MonkeyBone Create-a-Commission Kit: When You Feel the Need to Pretend That You Give a Damn.

09.14.05 :: career options edition
I don't know why this popped into my head this morning, but I thought I would share it with all of you. Should you ever find yourself contemplating switching to a career in porn, an often easy way of coming up with your new name is to use the name of your first pet for your first name and the name of the street on which your childhood home was located for your last name. Case in point: If I were in the porn industry, my name would be "Bare Woodlie" (slightly modified in spelling for greater effect).

So, what would your porn name be?

09.14.05 :: gas and gospel edition
The owners of a gas station located near my work take it upon themselves to place religious morsels of morality on the bottom of their price board. I guess they feel it is their duty to preach to the heathens who stop to use their sanctified pumps. And they do double duty, since the message is different on each side of the board.

This week's messages made me laugh from the hypocrisy. On one side, the sign reads, "It's easier to make a choice than to have no choices." Pretty deep coming from the "He's a child, not a choice" crowd, no?

My favorite, though, is the quote I read on my way into work: "Praise loudly; blame softly." Hmmm. Wonder who they had in mind when they came up with that one...

09.13.05 :: don't impress me much edition
Wow. Perhaps I would be impressed by MonkeyBone's acceptance of blame for his administration's botched response to Hurricane Katrina if it weren't for the fact that this is just one of untold botch jobs and secretive dealings that have lent a felonious flavor to his entire presidency.

This just feels like exactly what it is: a well orchestrated attempt on MonkeyBone's part to bolster his plummeting poll numbers.

09.12.05 :: buh-bye edition
Oh well. Guess it's back to horse judging for good ole Brownie.

09.12.05 :: nondiscriminatory edition
Whew, thank goodness. MonkeyBone has denied that his administration turned a blind, rich, White eye to the devastation of Hurricane Katrina. That's a relief. Because I was beginning to wonder, you know, with people like Richard Baker (a U.S Representative from Baton Rouge!) saying things like "We finally cleaned up public housing in New Orleans. We couldn't do it, but God did."

Now, in all fairness, Baker's spokesman claims that the Wall Street Journal, which originally reported on this statement, misquoted him (that damn liberal WSJ). He claims that what Baker really said was "We have been trying for years to get people decent public housing and it looks like God is finally going to make us do it."

Makes him sound very favorable and magnanimous. Also, makes it sound as though even the Holy Christian Creator supports the efforts of the Repubican Rep. Guess that's in support of the "God-Ordained" portion of their title.

Return to 09.17.05 contemplation.

09.12.05 :: gavel-to-gavel edition
Okay, so here's my big worry about the Roberts confirmation hearings. MonkeyBone has proven repeatedly that he nominates people for positions as favors for being his buddy. They don't get the job because of capability. They get the job because of their elitist connections. Basically, they get the job the same way he got his job.

There are still records from Roberts' career that MonkeyBone's people refuse to release to the public. What do those records show? He's now being considered for the position of Chief Justice. He's only 50 years old. Do I have to point out the disastrous answer to this equation if Roberts is the toadying GOP ally that I fear he is? I mean, MonkeyBone isn't going to put someone in that position unless he feels confident that they are going to carry the mantle of the plutocracy.

By no means is this time for the Democratic senators to sit on their hands, fearing that if they question too much they will be considered partisan. Show me even one instance of anything but partisanship from the GOP since MonkeyBone stole power.

Don't make me become an Independent.

09.11.05 :: scenes from a y'all edition

Thought I would offer you all a glimpse of my past week. The star photo is Data. Proof that he is still standing, stronger than he ever was.

My parents are the proud owners of the SoftSoap commemorative George W. Bush soap dispenser.

Nothing is more spectacular than a North Carolina sunset.

"Face it girls, I'm older and I've got more insurance."

Jodie guards the elixir of happiness: a Sonic cherry vanilla Dr. Pepper.

09.11.05 :: hanging with the dream king edition
Yesterday was a travel day. Returning from vacation is always a sad event in any young Loba's life.

I did hear that MonkeyBone removed "Brownie" from the cleanup effort in New Orleans. Doesn't that speak volumes? And don't you love how this administration's solution to screw-ups is to remove them from the spotlight?

Anyway, as I was driving home yesterday, I was thinking again about the 10 CDs on a deserted island question, and I realized that there are certain CDs that I always take with me on a road trip. There aren't 10, but I literally don't travel any long distances without them. Most surprising to those who know me well is the dearth of music from my secret love (I adore anything that has raging guitars to encourage my lead foot, so my CD travel case always has something from Godsmack, Disturbed, Marilyn Manson, Drain STH, Ozzy...).

This type of music, however, doesn't feed my literary side. Most of the CDs on this list are by strong songwriters who write poignant lyrics (either that or they are very good at selecting well written songs from other writers). The CDs that I love most seem to come from their earliest works. That's not to say that I don't love all their music; just that these certain pieces are my favorite.

Aerosmith, Young Lust: The Aerosmith Anthology
Tori Amos, Little Earthquakes
Terri Clark, How I Feel
Paula Cole, This Fire
Sheryl Crow, The Globe Sessions
Madonna, Ray of Light
Sarah McLachlan, Fumbling Towards Ecstasy
Poe, Hello

Even though I don't take these with me when I travel, I would have to add Bonnie Raitt's Luck of the Draw because this was the CD that I listened to nonstop during my most prolific writing phase to date. Also, Salt N Pepa's Very Necessary (give me enough to drink and I can still rap all the words to "Shoop").

09.09.05 :: silly semantics edition
Laura Bush says that criticism of her husband's response to Hurricane Katrina's destruction is disgusting. She says disgusting; I say deserved. She says that he cares about everyone in this country. I say he cares only about the favored 2 percent who control the bulk of this country's money. She says she knows what he thinks. I say he wouldn't be able to put together a thought independent of ghoulish GOP control if his sorry life depended on it.

Let's call the whole thing off...

09.08.05 :: stranded edition
Lest we forget the four-legged hurricane victims. I cannot fathom leaving behind Jodie, so my heart breaks for each family torn apart by having to leave behind their beloved pets.

09.08.05 :: fragility edition
Damn. Even the Communists have scorned MonkeyBone. This is perhaps my favorite quote yet: "For the Bush administration, 'unexpected' perhaps can be a lame excuse, but it can never explain away the government negligence of duty."

09.08.05 :: first response denied edition
So FEMA asked First Responders to not respond to Hurricane Katrina. Whathafu? Right, because FEMA was so organized and to-the-rescue that they didn't want additional aid messing up their focus. Unh-hunh. More like they were too busy toeing the latest lie...er, I mean line being established by MonkeyBone. You know, that no one saw this coming. How many from his administration have repeated this? It's a typical tactic of this administration: Take a lie, no matter how blatant or how easily disproved, pass it out among the rank and vile with the edict that they are to repeat the lie as many times as possible. Because we all know that when you repeat a lie enough times, it magically becomes the truth.

09.08.05 :: hurricane pam preparedness edition
Horrendous account from two EMS paramedics who were attending a conference in New Orleans when Katrina hit. Love the part about how they were delayed from leaving their hell because MonkeyBone was having a photo-op moment.

Even better, in July 2004 emergency officials from 50 parish, state, federal, and volunteer organizations enacted a severe hurricane hit, Hurricane Pam, during a 5-day exercise held at the State Emergency Operations Center in Baton Rouge. Kind of diminishes that latest lie from MonkeyBone about how no one could have seen this coming. And what did they learn from this exercise? FEMA spokesman David Passey stated afterward, "We would see casualties not seen in the United States in the last century." In 2002 (2002!!), John Clizbe, national vice president for disaster services with the American Red Cross, stated that between 25,000 and 100,000 people would die.

They knew this was coming. They knew of the devastation being held back by aging, failing levees and inadequate pumps. They knew!

They planned to have another exercise this year...but they couldn't do it because they didn't have the funding.

But that's all right...because freedom's on the march in Iraq.

09.08.05 :: scary edition
"What I'm hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas." So quoteth the matriarch Barbara Bush in regard to New Orleans evacuees brought to Texas. But wait, it gets better. She goes on to say, "And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them."

Working well for them? What? Having a cot and food and a clean place to stay after the hell they just went through? Yes, I suppose it is working well for them that they have been saved from wading through disease- and corpse-riddled water. You know, water that flooded in because her moronic son "never saw something like this happening." No, it must be difficult to see reality when your head is completely encased by your sphincter.

Is it just me, or did these comments make her sound like a crusty, calloused elitist? Oh wait...

09.07.05 :: fuel for the fire edition
I finally experienced talk radio for the thinking person. Al Franken makes me happy.

In addition to donations to the ASPCA and Red Cross, I've donated money to the DNC. Small donations because of my summer of tending to a sick puppy, but every little bit helps. My donation to the DNC is to cover the irritated letters I have sent to my senators, asking them to please be the voice of reason against the insanity of the God-Ordained Plutocracy. The MonkeyBone administration has had enough of a free ride at the expense of far too many who have died because of their arrogant, oblivious recklessness. I'm sick of the Good Ole Boy Network, where those in power are there simply because of who rather than what they know. I'm sick of the gargoyles hiding behind the Old Rugged Cross as they commit all varieties of sin. I want better for this country. I expect better.

Write your senators. Write your representatives. Write your editorial page. Write anyone you can. Time we let our voices be heard.

09.06.05 :: chewing the footses edition
No linkable thoughts tonight. I'm sitting at my parents' computer while Jodie lounges on their bed, self-grooming her claws. We're both city girls trying to adapt to a country state of mind.

I find, with all the free time I have during the days, I've been thinking a lot. And my thoughts just leave me in a state of constant fuming. I'm furious that so many things are occurring that need to have conscientious handling from intelligent, compassionate leaders. And all we have is this bumbling idiot...this clown who learned nothing from September 11 beyond how to use jingoistic sentimentality to blind a nation to his dishonest war-mongering. Shouldn't he have instead learned that we need to have evacuation plans in place for any future needs to empty a major metropolis?

And I can't even fathom the Supreme Court debacle. Forrest Gump gets to nominate two justices? Stupid is as stupid does, indeed. I can only hope that we might get lucky enough to find another Sandra Day O'Connor. What a remarkable woman.

I keep thinking about the long-term ramifications of MonkeyBone's presidency. This country is inalterably changed because of him...and I can see nothing good from any of it. This is exactly why I was frightened when he stole the election the first time. I couldn't imagine him stepping up and miraculously becoming a leader. And in my secret religious nether-regions that I try to hide, I prayed that things like this wouldn't happen...that we would never be faced with acknowledging head-on that he is nothing more than a mucking foron with underhanded gargoyles pulling his strings.

Our futures have been as inexorably altered as New Orleans. Only there is no FEMA rescue anytime soon in our futures. We have another 3 years of his ineptitude; his indifference to the poor, the elderly, and the working class; his dishonesty and deceit...3 more years of who knows what, that we will all have to face, knowing that we have no true leader.

We have MonkeyBone.

09.06.05 :: little buddy edition
Back with the Skipper and the Howells. Hope you're on the best 3-hour tour ever, Gilligan.

09.04.05 :: no better words edition
Thank you, Maureen.

Makes me wish we could just vote MonkeyBone off the island...or at the very least, impeach him. It's the least he deserves at this point. Although, personally, I'm intrigued by Senator Landrieu's desire to play "Whack-a-Bush"...guess she's finally learned that brute force is the only language that MonkeyBone seems to understand...

09.04.05 :: bad court rising edition
To again quote that back-woods philosopher, Jud Crandall, "Christ on His throne, no!" I am, of course, sorry for Rehnquist's family for their loss. I'm even sorrier that now the knuckle-dragging simian in charge of this country is going to get to appoint two new justices, including the appointment of a Chief Justice. I can't imagine which could be worse: an inside appointee (Scalia? Please no) or an external candidate (Alberto Gonzales? Welcome to the United States of Abu Ghraib).

What a crap-ass beginning to my vacation. I'm so pissed, I'd like to sink all eight eyelets of my steel-toed Docs up the collective ass of every person who voted MonkeyBone back into office.

09.01.05 :: deep rising edition
"I don't think anybody anticipated the breech of the levees. They did anticipate a serious storm. But these levees got breached and, as a result, much of New Orleans is flooded and now we're having to deal with it and will." MonkeyBone's quote on New Orleans.

The thing, though, is that people with intelligence (obviously that rules out MonkeyBone) knew this was coming. And they wanted to do something to help protect New Orleans. According to this article (thank you, A2), what was MonkeyBone's response to their requests? New Orleans flood control funding cut by 44 percent; an 80-percent cut to funding requested by the New Orleans district of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers for dealing with floodwaters from Lake Pontchartrain (you know, the body of water that breeched the levee and has flooded New Orleans); and the permission of the MonkeyBone Administration to develop the wetlands that were adding a natural buffer of protection (but we already know that MonkeyBone has flipped the big finger to nature, right?).

He was warned of this real threat, but he chose instead to divert funds to a war of his own scheming. And now some are estimating the death toll for New Orleans in the thousands. More even than the number of soldiers who have died so far in Iraq. This didn't have to happen this way. Yes, we have no control over meteorological events (even though it is pretty ignorant to declare that global warming doesn't exist and that reports supporting it were just bureaucratic fluff). But New Orleans is flooded because of the unsound structural nature of a man-made levee that was holding back Pontchartrain. That was something that could have potentially been prevented.

09.01.05 :: postscript edition
Another useful site: Parrot Heads in Paradise. Thanks, Tex.

09.01.05
I've actually been compiling a list of links that some snoggees have sent in and that I have found where people can go to donate to the Hurricane Katrina survivors...and then washingtonpost.com did a better job than I was doing. By all means, again, please do whatever you can. If you're thinking, "I don't have anything to give," think about that statement ending at "I don't have anything." That's where most of these people are right now.

09.01.05 :: make a buck edition
Holy Sell Your Firstborn, Batman. So this is what I don't understand: How is charging almost $6 a gallon for gasoline going to make the supply last longer?

09.01.05 :: dante's lost circles edition
Not too long ago, I read a book called Blindness, in which citizens who are suddenly struck blind are cordoned off in an abandoned hospital. The conditions described in this book actually parallel in some ways and pale in comparison in others to the conditions described in the Superdome right now.

09.01.05 :: ma trentième année edition
At midnight I officially began my journey toward my 30th date with Cronos. People keep acting as though I should feel some form of worry over this. Strangely, I don't. Strange I am. Strange I shall remain, regardless of age.

08.31.05 :: son of a witch edition
Oh. My. God. A sequel to Wicked!!! Plus, an upcoming book on the awesome musical. How...wickedly delightful.

08.31.05 :: devastation edition
I can't believe what has happened to our sister states in the South. New Orleans is a bathtub, but neighboring areas have been torn apart just as violently. If you are so inclined, make as many donations as you can manage to help those who have lost everything to this latest K.O. from Mother Nature.

08.31.05 :: thunder wishes it was snow edition
Sun, I see you--
No struggle in your cumulo-nimbus cage,
As gray-streaked rainbursts wait to weep.
You still rise,
BT's "Blue Skies" streaked with your light
As Tori eviscerates elevator music
(You, however, shall never see her dance with vampires).
I feel your kiss, warm on my cheek,
Before hurricane huffs blow you back into obscurity.
Visit again.

Okay, Keats I am not. Just thoughts that were inspired by my drive to work this morning.

08.30.05 :: nature's violent course edition
There really is no discourse to capture the devastation of Hurricane Katrina. To my friends in Louisiana, Mississippi, and Florida, I'm glad that you are all safe and I hope that this safety extends to all your loved ones.

08.29.05 :: retinal burn edition
I hope to live long enough to finally purge my memory of the image of Jodie Foster licking Woody Allen's chest.

Don't ever watch Shadows and Fog. The mental damage of that indelible image is just too much.

08.26.05 :: outmoded and oppressive edition
So how does throwing monthly Kill Whitie parties where you--a White man--implore your mostly White audience to "kill the whiteness inside" make you anything but obnoxious and insensitive to both White and Black people? Or do you truly believe that putting down your own race and mocking another (free admission to those who bring a bucket of fried chicken???) is being ironic?

08.25.05 :: take me out edition
You know, this is really great. First, what Pat Robertson said on 08.22.05:

You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war.

Now, what Pat Roberston said on 8.24.05:

Wait a minute, I didn't say "assassination." I said our special forces should, quote, "take him out," and "take him out" can be a number of things including kidnapping. There are a number of ways to take out a dictator from power besides killing him. I was misinterpreted by the AP, but that happens all the time.

So, let me get this straight, because my Ten Commandments may be a little rusty here. First, you called for Chavez's assassination (apparently "Thou Shalt Not Kill" doesn't mean anything to you). Then you state that you never said anything about assassinating Chavez and you blame the media for misinterpreting what you said (and I guess we've chucked "Thou Shalt Not Lie" out the window as well).

Even better, Sean Hannity (from Fux News fame) brackets his report on the Robertson faux pas with the words "some say." And, if I'm not mistaken, Hannity is the ringmaster to a conversation that supports Robertson's initial statement.

Yes, dear snoggees, yet again the God-Ordained Plutocracy teaches us another valuable life lesson. What is it this time? You can't have an assassination without a couple of asses.

08.25.05 :: rock out edition
Thoughts might be a little sparse today. I have to focus...even though it's becoming increasingly more difficult to stay in the work groove throughout the day. I definitely think it's time for a little break, even from a job I absolutely adore.

I visited with the delightful Tori for concert number 6 last night. I'm sure there are many Tori Fairies out there who would scoff at my single-digit concert number, but that's all right. I'm not trying to impress anyone. I simply enjoy her music. In fact, I've decided that she's the one musician with whom I would want to be stranded on a deserted island.

Now, of course I'm going to be thinking about that age-old question: If you were stranded on a deserted island, what are the 10 CDs you would have to have with you?

I'll get back to you on that one...and by all means, let me know what your list would be...

08.24.05 :: witness edition
Witness to Witness tours to honor the 20th anniversary of this movie...sounds pretty cool. I grew up near the Amish, so it wouldn't be that new. Besides, most Amish don't look like Harrison or Kelly. I think I'll just wait for the DVD to be released.

08.24.05 :: biblio-vend edition
On a book theme today, no? I'd go broke if my work installed a book vending machine...

08.24.05 :: missed point edition
Lolita is one of my favorite novels. Despite having what many consider to be a disturbing storyline, I find it to be a melancholy and heartbreaking tale of the tragic loss and subsequently fruitless (and morally questionable) search to retrieve one's truest love. So the thought of a racy new cover and Playboy perambulations makes me extremely sad. True classics have many levels to explore. This locks the mind on the shallowest of levels for poor Humbert and his light, his love, his Lolita.

08.24.05 :: silent spoofers edition
Uh, okay. I love musicals. I love Silence of the Lambs. I'm having a really hard time combining these two...but apparently someone out there didn't have the same problem. I can only imagine the lyrics to the "love" song to which the article's author alludes.

08.24.05 :: a-o-hell to pay edition
America Online has never had stellar customer service, but what brainiac decided to link bonuses with deflection of cancellations?

08.24.05 :: hit me with your best shot edition
I knew there had been several assassination attempts on Castro, but I never knew until now how these attempts were carried out. Interesting. I also like how MonkeyBone and his horde are now distancing themselves from Pat Robertson. Whatever. Sounds like MonkeyBone could take a lesson from ole Jud Crandell: "What you buy is what you own, and sooner or later what you own comes home to you."

08.24.05 :: mockingbird flies edition
Brock Peters has passed away. Say hi to Atticus for us, Tom.

08.24.05 :: put some hart in it... edition
Interesting op-ed by Gary Hart. So, who will be our Democratic strength?

08.24.05 :: deadly daydreaming? edition
So does this new Alzheimer's study mean that daydreaming may possibly trigger the disease? If that's the case, I'm thoroughly screwed.

08.24.05 :: disappointment edition
One of the few movies that I was actually looking forward to seeing has now been postponed until March 2006. Bummer.

08.23.05 :: weakest link edition
He's divided the country (united we stand, divided we fall). He's stretched our volunteer armed services so far that now the Army is advertising to parents to let their kids join (because volunteering to be ripped apart by shrapnel in a war that is increasingly becoming this administration's albatross somehow denotes maturity and strength). He's already sent more than 1,800 of our soldiers to their death (another reason why the Army is now begging parents to let their kids join; what happens when the reality of this failed campaign sets in and MonkeyBone has to admit that "volunteer" isn't going to support his crusade anymore?).

All this aside, MonkeyBone says that an immediate withdrawal from Iraq would weaken the United States. Right. Blame the war for weakening us.

08.23.05 :: mass murderer edition
Ugh. Lock up your trees. Someone has allowed Bret Easton Ellis to kill again.

08.23.05 :: batter up edition
Nothing can compare to the happy heft of a wooden bat. I hated the aluminum bats we had to use for softball in high school. That pathetic plink of metal just didn't have the same spirit as the crack of my Louisville Slugger, which is smurf blue with black tape and my jersey number carved into its handle. I love that bat almost as much as I love a well-turned phrase or a lovingly written article.

I love this article. The words have been lathed and polished as perfectly as a Chesapeake Thunder (which, by the way, look like gorgeous bats).

08.23.05 :: science and congress edition
So, instead of moving forward with the scientific study of potential cures locked within stem cells, we're instead going to focus on appeasing religious idealogues.

Rock on. Let's just go back to bleedings to release the evil spirits that are making us sick.

08.23.05 :: leg up edition
Tori is, without a doubt, one of the best live performers I have ever seen. I guess that's why I've seen her in concert more times than anyone else, including an impending concert right on the horizon. So I'm highly excited over her bootleg CDs. Next best thing, right?

08.23.05 :: take out edition
Damn, what were we thinking when we didn't vote Pat Robertson into the White House? This man has his finger on the pulse of REAL America, which is EXACTLY what we need! Especially now, with all of us under siege from all the renegade abortionists, gays, and Democrats who won't let us worship in public the way it used to be...you know, kind of like how hangings used to be public. But it has to be worship the right way. None of that foreign godless crap. We need Preacher Robertson to lead us all to a return to good old fashioned strapped-to-the-rack, burned-at-the-stake Christianity! Kill the godless masses who don't agree with our beliefs.

Wow. Guess Osamas can be found in any religion...

08.23.05 :: nuns gone wild edition
I don't know...I think when you feel the urge to boogie down and wrap your legs around a missionary, why not just go for it?

08.22.05 :: something brave... edition
I was zooming along with an unusually zippy Beltway flow, cranking one of my absolute favorite CDs and I realized something. Damn but I miss the Dixie Chicks.

08.22.05 :: playtime ruined edition
I've been following with growing interest the events transpiring in the field next to MonkeyBone's Crawford ranch. The Post gives, of course, a liberally minded viewpoint but I decided to go deep in the heart of Texas for their opinion of the situation. Interestingly enough, the sites that I checked out only seemed interested in Joan Baez's appearance at the protest. The online Waco paper had an editorial, but it was written by someone from Portland, Oregon. I wanted a more local flavor. So I read this op-ed from a 50-year resident of Amarillo, who (contrary to MonkeyBone) actually served in combat and was injured in the process. Interesting how this guest columnist has helped prove what MonkeyBone continues to substantiate: Those who don't know their history are doomed to repeat it. Since MonkeyBone never once saw conflict (aside from who got to use the beer funnel next) during Vietnam, he couldn't possibly understand what Mr. Alexander is saying.

Oh well. If anything, I hope all the protesters are at least making it difficult for MonkeyBone to enjoy all that goof-off time he's awarded himself back at the ranch.

08.22.05 :: namesake edition
Okay, so it cracks me up that Maryland couldn't even get filmmakers of a movie called Annapolis to film the movie in...Annapolis. They're filming in Philadelphia. Oh yeah, those two cities could be mistaken for each other any day of the week...but only by a blind person with no sense of smell.

08.19.05 :: common good edition
In one of the files recently released from John Roberts' Reagan years, he writes (straight from his ole "John Hancock"), "Some might question whether encouraging homemakers to become lawyers contributes to the common good, but I suppose that is for the judges to decide." Right. Up for the judges to decide. And I want him to be one of those judges because...?

Some have dismissed the comment as Roberts' "lawyer humor." Hmm. Bet he's a riot at family gatherings.

08.19.05 :: kitty care edition
I've had a delightful query from a snoggee who learned that I have another furry sibling in addition to my beloved Jodie girl. Yes, I do have a cat named Data (or as a former coworker always calls him, "Digits"). My aunt found him when he was a kitten, living in the drainage ditches near her home. And, yes, he is named after a Star Trek character. He has survived living with Jodie through her puppy years and an unfortunately poor decision on his part to feast on my parents' fake Christmas tree back in 2002 (just for the record, plastic pine needles provide no health benefit and require surgery to be removed).

This year he is 13 years old. He and my father share a special bond, perhaps borne from their solitary maleness in an estrogen-heavy house. This is why Data stayed with my parents when I moved out, and why Data went with my parents when they moved. He's now a country king who shares his abode with a little tuxedo kitty and a hybrid hunting dog. I miss him all the time, but I know that he is well cared for and I can't wait to see him again.

And there is the mini history of my special Hinja-Doodle Kitty, Data.

08.19.05 :: no good deed... edition
So this officer busts an uppity-shmuck police official for breaking the law and he's reprimanded for his additional efforts to make his neighborhood safe for children. Ain't the Dirty City great?

08.19.05 :: morning marinade edition
Friendly little tip for the guy who pulled up on my passenger side as we were waiting for the light to turn green: If the smell of your cologne can permeate the interior of my car just during the less than a minute we were idling next to each other, you might be overdoing it a bit.

08.18.05 :: feeling the future edition
I love it! E-skin so that robots can feel. It's so deliciously science fiction-turned-science fact. It's Data being seduced by the Borg Queen. It's the buff Terminator standing naked in the night. It's Sean Young with funky Replicant hair. Soon androids will dream of electric sheep...

08.18.05 :: feeble forecast edition
I know, I should just let this drop...but it irritates me. Of the 15 movies listed on the schedule of movies for this fall, three movies are based on television shows, three are sequels (one of a movie based on an old television show and one based on a series of popular books), one is based on a memoir, one is based on a graphic novel, one is based on a children's book, and one is based on a popular video game.

That adds up to two-thirds of this list being comprised of ideas that Hollywood has leeched from someone else's original concept. I know this is nowhere near a complete list of movies slated for release the rest of the year, but if this is what Rotten Tomatoes decided to highlight, how does that reflect on the movies they passed over?

08.18.05 :: guilt for breakfast edition
Dropped Jodie off for her final chemotherapy. She began to shake as I stood at the receptionist's desk, filling out the update form. I could feel her shaking and see her hind legs trembling. When the vet tech came to get her, she hid under my legs and then scrambled up into my lap.

I tried to explain that this was her final treatment, but I don't really think she understood...

08.17.05 :: manchuria calling edition
Slate.com examines the pros and cons of liberal support for John Roberts. I'm still biding my time, although my inherent inclination is not to like him (a reaction admittedly fueled by my utter disdain for MonkeyBone and all his primeval horde).

Of course, reading lines such as "He's conservative without seeming scary and ideological. As Tribe put it, Roberts 'does not appear to be a crusader.'" sort of helps fan my flames of dislike. You can remove Roberts' name from this description and insert MonkeyBone's name and that would be a perfect description of how people viewed him during the 2000 election. Everyone thought that he was just a stupid frat boy/cheerleader with his hand more on the keg spigot than the pulse of right wing conservativism. Now look at the mess we're in because of that belief. Just because one does not immediately "appear to be a crusader" only proves once more that looks can be deceiving.

So pardon me if I don't feel like jumping at the chance to show my bipartisan spirit by believing the benign banter being thrown about on Roberts. I think I'll just continue to bide my time...

08.17.05 :: lady godiva broken edition
Poor Madonna. Took a tumble from a horse on her birthday and broke several bones. I blame her alteh moid Kabbala name: Esther, which, correct me if I'm wrong, is Hebrew for "I've fallen and I can't get up" (my deepest apologies to the three women named Esther who are under 70 years of age).

Heal well, Madge, and happy belated birthday...

08.15.05 :: über geek edition
If it weren't for the fact that das keyboard retailed at a nickel shy of $80 (and that it lacks all the cool multimedia buttons that I love), my fingers would be varooma-zoom-zooming right now on those super-cool black keys. Guess I'll just have to stick with my measly 80 wpm skillz (yes, every now and then I test my typing aptitude; the sign of a true nerd).

Nerd Bonus Question: What Hanna-Barbera cartoon character always said, "Varooma-zoom-zoom!"?

08.15.05 :: happy hands edition
I have a cultural question. In the evenings when I walk Jodie to the park, there is usually this very lovely older Asian couple there. They walk around the park in single file, the husband leading the wife, until they reach the benches near the center of the park. They then sit there for quite some time, sometimes together on the same bench, sometimes on benches next to each other. The entire time--both walking and sitting--they are clapping. Nothing raucous. Just a steady, soft clapping.

I actually find it very soothing, although Jodie at first was slightly confused (she thought they were clapping for her to come over to them). But I'm just curious...what does this do? Increase circulation? Prevent arthritis in the hands? What?

08.14.05 :: court's in session edition
Aside from CSI, I don't really watch any serial television anymore. There are just so many other things I'd rather be doing with my time. But I do have my weaknesses.

That's why I've been completely sidetracked this weekend by TVLand's weekend-long marathon of Night Court. You ever see shows now as an adult that you used to watch religiously when you were a kid and you just don't think they're funny anymore? I kind of feel that way about most of the shows I used to watch. But there's something about Night Court that still cracks me up.

Damn funny TV from kinder and gentler Republican times...

08.12.05 :: future movies edition
I did a little investigating on imdb.com and found out that I wasn't far off in my imagined conversation. Movies on the horizon are remakes of The A-Team, Miami Vice, I Dream of Jeanie, The Smurfs, Dallas, Underdog, Captain America, Wonder Woman, He-Man (didn't they learn after the first one?)...plus sequels to Mrs. Doubtfire, Indiana Jones, Jurassic Park, Rambo, Terminator, Sin City (two already in the can, planned up to 2008!), Stuart Little, Resident Evil, The Little Mermaid, The Butterfly Effect...planned movies on Ernest Hemingway, Marlene Dietrich (played by Gwyneth Paltrow! Why?!), Edgar Allan Poe (written by Sylvester Stallone! WHY!!!)...

I love movies, but this just breaks my heart. Even the books they are turning into movies makes me sad. People who don't read The Lovely Bones, Dogs of Babel, or Running With Scissors will miss out on so much that just won't be able to be translated on the big screen.

Oh well. Guess it's back to the used book store for some more entertainment. Here's hoping that 2009 will be a better movie year...

08.12.05 :: imagined conversation edition
I went to bed relatively late last night. I had to work on something for the office, and I find that I must succumb to my creative muse, no matter what time she visits. Needless to say, it was after midnight before I finally settled down and tried to fall asleep. I was wired on enough Cafe du Monde to hold sleep at bay, but not without creative consequences. I imagined the following conversation that I would love to have with any Hollywood exec:

Me: Hey, why is it that you guys can't come up with anything new?
Hollywood Exec: We're coming up with new things all the time.
Me: You do realize that this year is barely halfway over and you guys have already released three movies based on old TV shows.
Exec: But we gave them all new twists!
Me: New twists that made them all lousy. What next, Mr. Ed played by a camel?
Exec: (eerie silence)
Me: That's not something you should be writing down, by the way.
Exec: Well, we are considering a movie based on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Me: That was a movie first.
Exec: Right! We're proposing a movie based on a television show that was inspired by a movie. And we'd like to cast Kristy Swanson as Buffy. Bet you didn't see that one coming.
Me: What's the matter, did Sarah say no?
Exec: Well...she said that she would like to broaden her acting selection.
Me: Plus, she's busy filming Scooby Doo 3, isn't she?
Exec:
Me: Right. Then there's the inordinate number of books being turned into movies.
Exec: But those are often excellent adaptations of very original stories.
Me: I agree. But they aren't original on your part. Neither are the movies based on video games, Japanese horror movies, cartoons, comic books...and sequels don't count either.
Exec: But the sequels...
Me: Are usually to movies that were based on ideas that came from somewhere other than you! Then, of course, there's the one original idea that is then passed among the studios like Paris Hilton's video at a sperm bank.
Exec: Well...actually, that sounds like a great idea for a movie. Can we buy the rights to that?
Me: No.
Exec:
Me: Anyway, so which one of you guys was the first to hit on the airplane concept? Which came first: Flightplan or Red Eye?
Exec: I'm not at liberty to say, for legal reasons. Although, between you and me, we were first.
Me: Right. But the other guys got bigger star power.
Exec: Hey, it's not always in the actor's hands. A big portion of the success is all about the writing.
Me: My point exactly.
Exec:
Me:
Exec: Hey, how about a mockumentary movie about a blogger trying to uncover the truth about lame movie ideas?
Me: How about I hang up now and go buy stock in Amazon.com. I think a reading revolution is just on the horizon...

Obviously, I should stay away from too much caffeine before bed...

08.11.05 :: un-freakin-believable edition
They've got to be kidding. Did they confuse their calendars and release their April Fool's joke 8 months too early? Or is International Truck and Engine really offering this mini-semi for purchase when the last thing we need is another road boat clogging the highways and increasing our dependence on foreign oil? The article states that the focus is for small business owners such as landscapers or hunters packing their equipment. Right. And don't forget Joe Q. Bourgeoisie and his fat ego and fatter ass. I like how the article states that this behemoth can carry up to five passengers comfortably, "even with embarrassing body mass indexes."

And it can be yours for just $120,000! Again, a fool and his money are soon parted...

08.11.05 :: hmmm... edition
I'm in a quirky caffeinated mood today. I'm tired from having no weekend and not having a chance to breathe in between projects for work. So bear with me.

I was whistling "If I Only Had a Brain" yesterday while walking back to my office (I like The Wizard of Oz so shut up) and I started thinking about the lyrics to the song. Here's my "Hmmm" moment: What would a scarecrow from Oz know about Abraham Lincoln? Remember, he sang, "With the thoughts I'd be thinkin'/I could be another Lincoln..." Then I started thinking about the Tin Man...how the hell would he know who Romeo and Juliet were? Did Oz have a little Munchkin Shakespeare?

I know, I know. Oz was the creation of Dorothy's bump on the head-induced fainting spell. But wasn't it supposed to have an ambiguous tinge?

People are right...sometimes I think about things way too much...

08.11.05 :: conclusion jumper edition
I was scanning the headlines on washingtonpost.com this morning and saw one that read "Rice Genome Fully Mapped." First thing I thought was who the hell is Condoleeza Rice that she should have her genome mapped?! Then I realized they were referring to the actual food, not the secretary of state (honest mistake though...we are a politically fueled area).

Anyway, just thought I would share one of my duller moments with you all. That's just how close I feel to each of you...

08.10.05 :: breaking the waves edition
Slowly resurfacing from my offsite work schedule. Drowning in cleanup work though. Might be a little while longer before I'm back in the swing of inciting thought...

Thinking about you all, dear snoggees...

08.06.05 :: "wonder"ful edition
Wonder Woman remains absolutely awesome. I know that she lives somewhere in my "backyard." I have to admit that I oftentimes wonder if I will ever run into her. Will she be hiding her lasso of truth in her purse? Is she wearing her superheroine outfit underneath her business suits? Sometimes I look up and wonder if she's right then flying by in her invisible jet.

What makes Lynda Carter equally as cool as Wonder Woman is the fact that she is proud of her past as the crime fighting Amazon princess. Nothing is lamer than an actor who pulls an "I am not Spock" routine. The fact that she is proud of Wonder Woman and embraces the positive impact the role made on so many people...that makes her tres cool. All I have to say is that Hollywood better do both Wonder Woman and Lynda Carter right with whomever they cast in the movie version.

Doesn't really matter though...whoever it is, they already have one HUGE mark against them. They ain't Lynda Carter.

08.06.05 :: google is watching edition
I think it's pretty obvious that I'm a nerd on many different levels. One of my nerdy proclivities, though, is that I love looking at maps. Sometimes I will just sit down with an atlas and start looking through it. Geeky, no?

So you can imagine my joy over discovering Google Earth. It's Google's program to allow you to access satellite images of anywhere in the world. So cool. My coworkers and I have been playing around with it during our downtime in our workroom...and we're even getting our reviewers interested in it as well. It's always nice to spread the nerdishness around...

08.05.05 :: stall tactics edition
Thoughts have been suspended for a little while. I'm working another event downtown until Tuesday. Not the long hours that I had for the last one, but still long nonetheless (including those oft-dreaded weekend hours). It's still fun, though. I have clients who are awesome (have I said that here before?).

I'll pop in whenever I can. There are, after all, lots of moments for diatribes...

08.03.05 :: ICE edition
Slightly morbid but excellent idea from the Brits: ICE. A paramedic from East Anglia came up with the idea after the recent bombings in London. Add a number in your cell phone's memory under the name "ICE," which stands for "In Case of Emergency." This way, if you're in an accident (or as seems to be happening more and more frequently these days, a terrorist attack), paramedics will be able to contact the person you have chosen.

It's kind of like a "Hint from Heloise" for far more violent times...

08.02.05 :: permanent vacation edition
I suppose if MonkeyBone can't go down in history as being a competent president, then he should go down in history as being a mediocre frat boy who bumbled into the presidency and spent most of the time goofing off on the company dime. After all, he's had a very busy month, what with having to dodge questions about his mouthpiece being implicated for being a little too eager to run his mouth, dusting off another Reagan-era Repubican for consideration as O'Connor's replacement, circumventing Democratic opposition and granting a recess appointment to Bolton for the position of U.N. ambassador (yeah, other presidents have done recess appointments, but this is a definite one-finger salute by MonkeyBone to the Democratic party for their continued interference in his attempt to establish a true plutocracy).

Plus, let's not forget his new push for "Intelligent Design" to be taught in public schools...because really, creationism should be taught hand-in-hand with evolution. After all, a religious belief should hold as much weight as scientific hypotheses...especially when that belief caters only to the right-wing conservatives' religion of choice (I wonder how these same Bible thumpers would react to scientists pushing for evolution to be taught in private Christian schools? Turnabout, after all...).

Yep, he sure has had a busy month. So he deserves to spend 33 days away from the White House, which will push the total number of days he has spent lolly-gagging around outside D.C. to the largest number of any presidency in 36 years. But that doesn't matter. He needs time to, as he puts it, "[make] sure my Texas roots run deep."

Something sure is running deep...and I can smell it all the way from here...

08.02.05 :: baggies, balls, and bikkies edition

Jodie's beginning to remind me of The Collector from The Simpsons Halloween vignette, "Desperately Xeeking Xena." She's now up to tennis ball number 3. I bribe her to let me take them away, because I'm tired of her pooping fuzzy green nuggets. So it was Milk Bone time after tonight's scavenger run through the park. Ain't summertime grand...

07.31.05 :: dukin' it out edition
This little creation was almost too easy. I was watching a Dukes of Hazzard marathon on CMT this weekend and I realized that Rosco P. Coltrane and MonkeyBone could be twins. Both are bumbling idiots with double-digit IQs and wannabe country accents, working for a fat, bald, dirty politician with a bad temper. And did anyone else ever notice that each episode ends with a big "W" appearing on the screen and Rosco laughing? Yeah, I guess the "W" could stand for Warner Bros...but I think it's way too coincidental. And with all that fatty food that Boss Hogg used to scarf down, I'm sure he could tie Cheney for myocardial infarctions any damn day of the week.

Like I said: It was almost too easy. So enjoy my latest art. Pass it along to others. Give credit to the White Wolf if you'd like. And do me a favor: Don't see the new Dukes movie. What a piece of patronizing crap. The Dukes deserve way better...

07.28.05 :: clean sweep edition
Jodie was scheduled today for an ultrasound and X-rays to determine if the chemotherapy has been working. The oncologists said that everything showed up clean in both tests. I have no words to capture the joy I felt when I heard this fear-dissolving diagnosis. So she received her fourth round of chemo afterward and she is now home, shaved tummy, hot paw pads, and a happy tongue-lolling grin.

07.28.05 :: hang it up edition
So Madonna is coming out with another CD. I have to admit, her last CD was the first one that I didn't buy since True Blue. I don't think she is going to reach the penultimate perfection of Ray of Light ever again (although I say "penultimate" in hopes that one day she will surprise us all and truly touch perfection). Everything about that CD was so amazing, and everything since has been a steady decline closer to normal...which, for Madonna, equals mediocrity.

I will undoubtedly listen to all the tracks of the new CD, and I will hold out hope. But American Life proved to me that I can be a lifelong fan and still resist the temptation to purchase inferior work.

07.28.05 :: promises, promises edition
So, we promise that we've fixed the problem that killed the previous seven astronauts. Really. We promise. Honest.

Oh, but wait. We're going to ground the rest of the fleet because we really didn't fix the problem. But you guys already up there shouldn't worry. You're all safe.

We promise.

07.28.05 :: BAD parenting edition
So, if your 4-year-old son isn't sitting in his car seat correctly, is that really justifiable means to leave him alone on the side of the Capital Beltway at night? And to then clip him with your car as you're driving away? AND THEN to be pulled over 90 MILES FROM WHERE YOU LEFT HIM?

07.27.05 :: unseen reality edition
Even with all these ridiculous reality television shows, especially VH1's myriad attempts to humanize celebrities through their "Celebreality" line-up, most of the time there is a complete disconnect between how we perceive celebrities and how they truly live...or how the try to die. I like Mindy McCready's voice and thought that she was inevitably going to be a major contender in the country music market. I hope there's still a chance for her...on many levels.

07.25.05 :: chemical youth edition
It doesn't matter how old Jodie is...she's my eternal puppy. Before her muzzle started turning gray, even strangers mistook her for a puppy (I think because she's actually quite small for her breed types). I was looking at her this evening and noticing that something odd is happening to her face. It must be the chemotherapy. The gray hairs are falling out and black hairs are growing in their place. I thought at first that I was going a little wonky. But the camera never lies (well, undoctored photos never lie...).

07.24.05 :: irritable ball syndrome edition
There are certain noises that, upon hearing them, I am immediately irritated. At the very top of this short list is the sound of a basketball bouncing nowhere near a basketball court. Not only does this sound strike me as being created for the sole purpose of annoying those in earshot, but it conjures bad memories of growing up in a less desirable suburb of one of Maryland's least desirable counties.

The only thing I can't stand even more are the sounds that come nightly from the basketball courts in the neighborhood park. Whoops and yells punctuated by profanity every second or so. I will by no means embrace moral duplicity here; gods know that I can curse like the sailor's granddaughter that I am. However, I have never once screamed profanity at the top of my lungs while children swing from a jungle gym only a few yards away. There should be a double bitch slap issued in these instances: One for the guys using this unseemly language and one for the parents who didn't teach them better.

07.24.05 :: commercial cowardice edition
As I have mentioned here several times, I love watching SpikeTV. I watch it every weeknight for repeats of CSI, and also for Trek marathons and the occasional weekend Bond movie. Some of the commercials they play walk precariously close to the questionable side of decency, but I have to give it to the advertisers: Many of the spots are exceedingly clever in their imagery or word play.

One advertiser, however, has greatly disappointed me: Aspercreme. A recently released commercial for this product had the jingle, "You bet your Aspercreme." Very nice use of a double entendre. However, a few evenings later, I saw this same commercial with a new jingle, now changed to "You bet if it's Aspercreme."

True, that's pushing it for regular television. But a cable station geared toward grown-ups, especially when the only time I ever saw this commercial with the original jingle was later in the evening? I think it's a shame that the advertisers felt it was important to change their original ad.

07.24.05 :: winner's cycle edition
Good on ya, Lance. It's people like Armstrong who truly exemplify athleticism.

07.24.05 :: questionable decisions edition
I must admit, I find recent actions taken by the London police to be incredibly disturbing. First, taking a shoot-to-kill policy is reminiscent of the rash of killings that took place in P.G. County several years ago, when police pumped several innocents full of lead, including a mentally challenged young girl who was running down a street holding two remote controls and another young girl who was pointing a gun at herself, threatening suicide. The police didn't take the time to make proper judgment calls; they simply shot based on their hair-trigger assessment of these girls and they weren't trained to shoot-to-incapacitate.

Then the horrifying news of how London police chased an innocent man into a Tube train and shot him in the head, in front of morning commuters. Their justification was that he had emerged from an apartment complex under surveillance. What they fail to state is that he was dark-complected, which helped fuel their fear of him. This is one step beyond the reaction here in the States, when Heartland hicks beat anyone who appeared to them to be Middle Eastern after the September 11 attacks. I read several articles right after the attacks about Indians and Hispanics who had been assaulted based solely on their skin tone. Now the Brits have proven that jumping to conclusions is the most fatal of all exercises...

07.22.05 :: moon madness edition
Perhaps it was a holdover of lunar-induced lunacy from the previous night's full moon, but yesterday I was almost rear-ended three times on my drive home from work. There is nothing worse than the ominous screech of frantic braking and a giant grill looming in your rearview mirror to send your heart into your throat. The third time, I was millimeters away from being the final link in a chain reaction bumper bump. Three cars behind me slammed into a truck, which slammed into a minivan that would have hit me if I hadn't just taken my foot off the brake and started inching forward in standstill traffuck. Talk about luck...

07.21.05 :: gone in 60 seconds edition
Ya know, usually I'm annoyed by politicians urging punishments against mainstream media because parents are too lazy to monitor what their children are watching/playing/listening to, etc. However, I have to say that Rockstar sort of shot themselves in the foot on this one. I mean, come on guys...you had to have known that someone out there was going to figure out the special little bombshell you left in the latest Grand Theft Auto game.

Yeah, the games are violent and sexual anyway...but there are lines even in these realms of indecency that you should try to avoid even approaching. Besides, things like this just open the door wider for more restrictions and provide more reason for parents to pay even less attention to what their kids are doing. After all, why should they pay attention when the politicians are trying to do their job for them?

07.21.05
I really wish they'd stop attacking London.

07.20.05
Yesterday, D.C. police found a 6-year-old boy dead in a partially filled bathtub, his hands and feet bound together. Today, reports are that his mother did this to him. "What the fuck" doesn't even begin to cover this one...

07.20.05 :: beam me up edition
Aye, Captain, Scotty's gone to the undiscovered country. I hope Bones and Gene were there to welcome him home.

07.20.05 :: hard to swallow edition
Last night as I was getting ready for bed, I did some sort of weird sneeze/hiccup/choke and I ended up coughing up a piece of burger from my dinner. I had eaten dinner at 6 p.m. and it was 11 when this occurred, which meant that this little bite of burger had been existing somewhere dark and digestive for 5 hours.

This little chunk of chewed beef was easier to swallow than MonkeyBone's Supreme Court nominee. True, John Roberts is relatively benign among the other cancerous boils within the God-Ordained Plutocracy. But he's a lawyer, which means that he knows how to craft sentences booby-trapped with loopholes large enough to hang us all by our revoked rights and freedoms. For example, he responded to a question about Roe vs. Wade during his 2003 appellate court confirmation by stating, "Roe v. Wade is the settled law of the land. There is nothing in my personal views that would prevent me from fully and faithfully applying that precedent."

How convenient to state that you will uphold a law over which you have no power to change. What I hope someone will ask is that now that he is in a position to change the law, will he? After all, when he was deputy solicitor general for the first Bush administration, he wrote that Roe vs. Wade should be overturned because it "finds no support in the text, structure or history of the Constitution." The serpent's tongue truly is forked.

MonkeyBone praises Roberts as "an impressive legal figure who would interpret the Constitution and laws rather than legislate from the bench." That sounds valiant and noble and all that jazz...until you consider how MonkeyBone and his gargoyles "interpret the Constitution." To them this simply means, "Try to find something in the Constitution to support my jacked-up beliefs...and if you can't find it, then add it."

But I guess we'll just have to wait to see what happens during his confirmation hearings. As long as there are no pubic hairs on Coke cans, I suspect it will have to go better than Clarence Thomas' hearings...

07.18.05 :: sit for a spell edition
I would have signed online this weekend to update the reading.lounge with the new Harry Potter book...but that would have taken away precious reading time. Needless to say, I finished the book last night. Dammit. DAMMIT (those who have read it will understand the many meanings of that one word...and that's all I'm saying on the matter).

Now, how long do I have to wait for the final book?

07.15.05 :: magical evening edition
It's near the witching hour...9 more minutes until the official release of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. My friends and I went to see Bewitched and then strolled down to the local Barnes and Noble, which made me slightly reminiscent of my TrekCon days. The place was alive with Potterites, dressed in flowing robes and scarves of red and gold, wilted slightly at the frayed edges from the storm-thick air. It was delightful.

I, of course, took the Amazon.com route in procuring the latest edition, but it was fun to see a bookstore so filled with the singular joy of book anticipation. Made this eternal English major's heart leap gleefully.

07.15.05 :: pup culture edition
Jodie update time. She had her third chemo treatment two Thursdays ago. It affected her more than the previous two, and she went through almost a week of morning sicky pup-chucks and not really wanting to eat anything. The vet gave me a prescription for her that worked miracles in a day. She's now her happy, hungry hooga self once again. The vet techs who did her bloodwork yesterday commented on how strong she is and how soft her coat is. I love her so much that everything about her is wonderful...so it's an extra bonus when others recognize in her the beauty that I have seen and cherished for 8 years now.

07.15.05 :: book anxiety edition
I'm swamped at work, but it's all good. I enjoy the work. I am really tired though. The downtown event took a lot out of me. I'm not the type of person who feels energized by constant interaction with others. For me, it's draining and leaves my muscles feeling like kite string caught in a hurricane's breath.

Add to this my strange sleeping problems, which I think I've figured out. I'm reading Prozac Nation right now. I was reading it on the Metro while heading to D.C. Now that I'm reading it before going to bed, I think it's leaving me feeling anxious from all the panic-laced whining that some publisher considered book-worthy. Don't get me wrong: I enjoy some parts of the book. I love the generation-specific pop culture references and the myriad big words that make my brain happy. But I find the constant razor's edge anxiety of every page to be exhausting. My thought is, if Wurtzel admits that it was exhausting and stressful to have lived through, what made her think it would be anything other than the same for those who read about it?

Needless to say, I've stopped reading it right before I go to bed. Now maybe I won't lie awake anymore, worrying about whether my closets are organized or my laundry is folded.

07.13.05 :: plame game edition
Big surprise that MonkeyBone wouldn't answer questions about whether or not his Roving pitbull disclosed Valerie Plame's identity to reporters. It's pretty much accepted fact that Rove is the one to put most of the words into MonkeyBone's mouth (or have we forgotten about the mystery bulge so soon?). I'm sure that Rove will cover his tracks quite nicely and all will be well once again in Oceania.

And Freedom Fries wash down really smoothly with some Victory Gin.

Follow me? Or has the Thought Police caught you in their trap?

07.12.05
Just when I think that we are scraping the bottom of the barrel of humanity, I read about how a father used his 19-month-old daughter as a shield during a shootout with police.

Sometimes I wish the dulled bliss of apathy would consume me.

07.09.05 :: pandamonium edition
I looked at the front page of washingtonpost.com this morning and saw that Mei Xiang, the Smithsonian National Zoo's female panda, had a cub this morning. Sadly, I didn't even know that she was pregnant. Even sadder, I don't think the people at the zoo were all that certain that she was pregnant. I'm happy that she gave birth. I hope the cub survives and thrives. God knows the zoo could use some good news in the papers.

07.09.05 :: computational edition
I'm holed up in a hotel downtown working an event for my job. It's crazy, but nothing too terribly strenuous. The thing that amuses me the most is that I am considered by many involved to be one of the IT people. They bring me their laptops or they call me over to tell me there's a problem with the network or the printers aren't responding, with the hopes that I can help them figure out what has gone wrong. The thing that really cracks me up is the fact that 9 times out of 10 I'm actually able to help them. This makes me smile because I can remember a time when I was so computer-illiterate that I didn't even want to insert a disk into the floppy drive because I was afraid of what it might do to the computer.

I've come a long way, baby...

07.07.05 :: thoughtful pause edition
I'm still reeling from word about this morning's attack on London. I know it may sound ridiculous to some, but even though I have only been there once, I feel a connection with London (perhaps some tenebrous genetic memory of one of my motherlands?) that makes this attack feel oddly personal. I don't know how to explain it. I just felt off-balance all day. And I'm angry. Angry with the perversity of humanity that could create those who feel justified in such...in any violence.

I need to go get dinner now before I fall into an exhausted sleep. Work is just that right now...but the frenetic pace helped pull my mind away from the other side of the pond for a moment or two...

07.07.05
I can only say to my friends and my blog-quaintances in England, particularly London, I'm so sorry to read about what happened during this morning's rushhour. I hope that you are all as safe as you can be right now.

07.06.05 :: holding pattern edition
Still here...just don't have time right now to contemplate. Too much work and real world nonsense. That irritates me. I haven't had a chance to look at the news, read the paper...I feel very disconnected. So hook me up, snoggees...tell me what's going on...

07.01.05 :: totally screwed edition
Well, shit. Of all the dumb-ass things that MonkeyBone has done since he got into office, I kept comforting myself by saying that at least he hasn't gotten the opportunity to fuck up the Supreme Court. Why, oh, why is Sandra Day O'Connor retiring now? Sh-it.

06.29.05 :: t.o.y.a. edition
There's a popular saying that my family and I like to use on each other every now and then. When someone is saying something ridiculous or far-fetched, one of us will say, "Stop talking out of your ass." Someone needed to say that to MonkeyBone last night. Better yet, why didn't someone ask him if he'd like to make the same speech on one of the many military bases that his administration is closing? Because really, how brave was he to give the speech on the largest military base in the country, entrenched in the heart of Republican territory? Of course, what has he ever done that was brave? It wasn't when he hid from duty during Viet Nam. It wasn't when he called for war against someone who had nothing to do with September 11. It's certainly not when he refuses to give a pullout date so that all the soldiers will know when their hell will finally be over.

Yet he has the audacity to speak of all the wonderful things being done for the Iraqi people, things like "We are improving roads and schools and health clinics." What about the constituents of your own country? Our public school systems desperately need help; the D.C. metropolitan area constantly has potholes in its roads that could swallow Gilbert Grape's mother in one slurp; and health care...well, who needs health care when it's more important to jack up Social Security?

I'm so happy that he thinks he's making life so much better for another country (just not the thousands who have died since the war began). I also love how Bin Laden's name has once again become part of his vocabulary. Because god knows that he forgot all about that name when it mattered the most.

There are just so many things from last night's speech that make me furious. So many things about his arrogant, ignorant face that make me nauseous. I can't wait until he's out of office. I can only hope that the Amurhkan people wake up by that point and move away from the totalitarian rule that he and his party have brought to this country. Or perhaps some other country will decide before then to free us from our regime...just spare us the photos of MonkeyBone in his tighty whities after he's captured.

06.28.05 :: adoption edition
Eight years ago today, I fell in love with beautiful, mismatched eyes, fluffy fur, a happy curl of a tail, and a toothy grin with a lolling tongue. And since no one at the humane society knew when her birthday was, I celebrate this day instead.

Happy Adoption Day, sweet Jodie girl. Tonight, it's steak and a long roam through the park, looking for tennis balls to add to your collection.

06.28.05 :: eerie coincidence edition
Yesterday it was Tigger. Today it's Piglet. It's comparably eerie to Thomas Jefferson and John Adams dying on the same day...although maybe not quite as historically impactful.

06.27.05 :: pouncy, bouncy edition
The most wonderful thing about Tigger was the endearing vocalizations of Paul Winchell. And just like Tigger, he was one of a kind.

06.26.05 :: lightning memories edition
Jodie and I walked to the park tonight and I caught lightning bugs while she sniffed and cavorted through the fields. For some reason, a memory surfaced in my mind that really had nothing to do with lightning bugs. I was probably around 8 years old and I remember standing in my grandparents' yard in North Carolina. It was a beautiful summer day, with breeze coming in off the water, and my grandmother was hanging sheets to dry. I was eating an apple and listening to her talk to me. I vaguely remember what she was saying; I just remember the sound of her voice and how important I felt that she was talking to me. Odd memory invoked by a lightning bug, isn't it?

Oh, and of course Jodie is now the proud (and somewhat territorial) owner of her very own park-pilfered tennis ball. She is carrying it from room to room and seems blissful at its presence. I just hope she doesn't think it's coming with her when it's time for bed...

06.22.05 :: burning edition
I'm so proud to live in a country run by people who truly know their priorities. Because I don't know how many sleepless nights I have endured, plagued by the knowledge that there are people who have burned a scrap of red, white, and blue flag-shaped fabric, and those sons of bitches are allowed to walk the streets of our great nation under God! They should be hog-tied and caned within an inch of their Commie lives!

What really burns me (pun intended) is that these Repubican politicians have the temerity to push for an amendment for something so trivial in the grand scheme. We're at war. Soldiers and civilians are dying every day. The American tally is now at 1,724 soldiers killed. At home, we're drowning in debt. Crime in the seat of this country's government is astronomical. Homelessness still pervades our soul. Children are exploited, women are beaten, students are killing students...and this is the battle that the politicians continue to pick? Whether someone who sets fire to a piece of cloth should be punished? Besides, shouldn't we be happy? After all, these flags (for the most part) are one of the last things we actually make in this country. Whether the flag is burning in protest or flying off the back of some fat cat's 60-foot yacht, revenue is revenue. Ain't that the Amurhkan way?

What's even worse is how Repubicans will so readily invoke the basest emotional imagery to justify their crusade. For this battle, they again invoke images of those who plunged to their deaths from the windows of the World Trade Center before the towers fell. And just as it was wrong when they used images of that awful day for a re-election commercial for MonkeyBone, it was wrong for California Representative Randy Cunningham to state that these people would have called for the passing of this amendment. Right. And I bet Terry Schiavo would have called for the same thing.

They are purposely abusing this country's tendency to over-sentimentalize everything. They are using the schmaltz attack in their war on intelligence and rationale. Make everything an emotional response and remove thought...that way while their constituents are all fired up over burning threads, they won't notice something insignificant like the fact that the one who spearheaded the WTC attack is still free...or the fact that MonkeyBone is still unscathed even though we keep learning more and more to substantiate the fact that there was no justifiable reason to go to war with Iraq. Come on, people! Clinton was impeached for lying about shtooping some over-eager intern with a big mouth. MonkeyBone told bigger lies that have killed thousands. And our biggest worry is flag burning?

06.21.05 :: crusade redux edition
By all means, call me anti-Christian, if your definition of anti-Christian fits into the narrow-minded scope of Representative John Hostettler (do I really need to tell you his political persuasion?).

Again, I have no problem with faith. I think that having faith in something greater than ourselves is a beautiful and personal choice. Forcing your choice down the throats of others...that's when it ceases to be faith and becomes religion. And that is where I draw the line. I mean, if you think about it, every religion is the same: Placing belief in a higher power we cannot see and have no proof of its existence, and in writings that cannot be proven as holy beyond the faith we place in them. So what makes one religion better or more true than another? So why should one religion receive any special consideration over others?

Keep your faith. Keep your religion to yourself.

06.21.05 :: splish splash edition
I love parks designed to increase doggie bliss. This makes me wish that Jodie actually enjoyed water, because I would drive her to this. Although, I don't know how well she would do running with other dogs. She can be quite the doggie dominatrix...

06.21.05 :: it's alive! edition
My clients' Web site went live early this morning. I am so friggin' excited. It has been way too long since I felt this much pride in something on which I have worked.

Happy dancing shall now commence...

06.20.05 :: invasion of the ball snatchers edition
Apparently, rolling in the grass has become passé. Jodie's hot new thing is taking stray tennis balls from the field near the tennis courts and redepositing them at her discretion. It's quite the surreptitious joy for her. She prances along, ears flopping in the dusky air, and you could swear that she was smiling behind her fuzzy green field find. She did somewhat disappoint me though. She found a softball as she was searching. She dropped the tennis ball, sniffed at the softball, then retrieved the tennis ball. I never would have chosen a tennis ball over a softball...

06.20.05 :: flowers edition
I finished Flowers for Algernon last night. I dare anyone to read the final line of this book after having gotten to know Charlie Gordon and not at the very least feel a lump in their throat.

06.19.05 :: nerd rambling edition
I saw the final Star Wars movie on Friday evening. It was all right. I admit that it was interesting to see what created Darth Vader. In a way, though, I feel as though now this character has been lessened. Weird thought from someone who loves the story of Elphaba.

Visit Katherine Fugate's Web site. Her first claim to fame was she was born Barbara Eden's niece. From there, she continues to forge her own path of fame as a screenwriter. Admittedly, I have never seen any of her movies, but she wrote one of my favorite episodes of Xena. Plus, she is working on a project with Gillian (yes, I am Dana Scully) Anderson...and she has been tapped to write the screenplay for the Xena movie.

I have her Web site bookmarked...I check it often. And now I have shared it with you.

06.18.05 :: teach your children well edition
I just witnessed a nadir in child rearing. I was walking Jodie toward the section of our local park with a children's play area. A family was leaving and two of the smaller children were lagging behind the mother to look at Jodie as we approached. The mother was obviously irritated with them, but what she did was just wrong. I heard her tell them that if they didn't get into the double stroller and stay there, then the dog would hurt them.

The little boy climbed right in, but the little girl started to cry and when she saw Jodie coming closer she started clinging to her mother's leg in an obvious panic. I pulled Jodie back and began walking away, but I made sure the mother saw my look of disgust at what she had just done to her children and what she just did to demonize my dog.

06.16.05 :: uncontrollably adorable edition
Today was a busy day for both Jodie and me. We're really close to launching my clients' new Web site. Only the Web geeks of the world could understand how truly delightful this news is.

Today was also Jodie's second round of chemo. The vet techs informed me when I called to find out how she was doing that "she's a sweet girl...with trust issues." Apparently, she's becoming less cooperative about letting them poke and prod her. Can't say I blame her. She did get to wear these cool bandages home on her front paws...but that was only because they were...apprehensive about removing them. What a bunch of chickens...

06.15.05 :: oiled palms edition
Want to know why the joke states that a dozen lawyers at the bottom of the ocean is a good start? Look no further than Philip A. Cooney, the former lawyer and lobbyist with the American Petroleum Institute who edited scientific reports to water down the link between greenhouse gas emissions and global warming (who cares that he has no scientific training; that wasn't why he was hired).

This sort of makes me think about children who cover their eyes as a way of "hiding" when playing Hide and Seek. They figure that since they can't see anything, then that makes them invisible. So...see no scientific evidence, then global warming doesn't exist?

Lovely logic there...

06.15.05 :: secrets and lies edition
Funny how something so important can sort of fall into limbo in this country. Of course, that's because we have more important things to worry about, like the Runaway Bride and who Paula Abdul is shtooping on American Idiot. Never mind the second memo, written 8 months before the war began, that revealed that "A post-war occupation of Iraq could lead to a protracted and costly nation-building exercise. As already made clear, the US military plans are virtually silent on this point." Big surprise that this never changed. Want to know what MonkeyBone's preparation was? "Fuck Saddam. We're taking him out."

Please allow me this moment to thank all the mucking forons who voted him back into office. Really, thank you. Now why don't you all go out and purchase Washingtonienne's new book. I'm sure you'll all love it.

06.13.05 :: poor working conditions edition
A little after my personal trauma, two of the VPs came around and told us that we could work from home because of the broken HVAC situation. that was quite fine with me. At least in my own apartment, I know there are no giant roaches hiding in my shoes. Oh, and here are two captures from a video I took of Jodie and Chester playing yesterday. Told you they were cute together...

06.13.05
I'm not one to get grossed out easily, but this is just wrong. The air conditioning isn't working on our floor, so it's getting progressively hotter as the morning wanes. I decided to take off my shoes to help alleviate some of my discomfort. They were off for maybe 15 minutes before I decided I wanted to go get some ice from the kitchen. When I put on my right shoe, I thought I felt something inside it. As I took off my shoe, a giant cockroach shot up my leg! UP MY LEG. Came way too near an area that cockroaches should never be. My office mate said that I let out what might possibly be the girliest scream that has ever passed from my lips. When she saw this thing, she immediately understood. Did I mention it was huge? I swear, it was at least 2-1/2 inches long. And it wouldn't die. Hit it with my shoe twice. Sprayed it into oblivion with Lysol. Flushed it down the toilet. It revived during the first swish and actually came back up into the bowl. Had to flush it again. I'm not going into the bathroom at all today. I will explode first.

Fuck this. I need a pitcher of beer and a raise.

06.13.05 :: play dates and alarms edition
Jodie had a play date yesterday with her best bud, Chester. They're adorable when they play together. I haven't uploaded the photos yet, but I'll have to post one of them later on. It was great to see Jodie so vibrant and happy as she played and didn't get worn out.

It was a happiness that dulled the growing irritation I'm feeling with Ike and Tina. Is it possible for a couple to be so conspicuously ignorant that neither of them is capable of opening their car without setting the alarm off...multiple times (and again, they've been allowed to procreate)? It's an annoyance in the afternoon. It's just damn WRONG at 6 on the weekend morning. I'd yell at them, but I've heard how they yell back. I think I'll pass on that particular confrontation.

06.11.05 :: cranky geek ramblings edition
I read a book in one sitting last night. It helped that it was by one of my favorite contemporary writers...I devour Richard Matheson. And it made me feel good to actually finish a book, since I'm still trying to claw my way through A Confederacy of Dunces. I tried to read this book when I was 12, and I hated it. I thought that with age, I would appreciate it more. Gonna have to say that's not the case. I detest this book. I can't imagine a more pathetic protagonist than Ignatius Reilly. But I have never not finished a book. Never allow for defeat.

I do, however, believe that this book is going to join the very short list of books that I get rid of after I read them. There are only two other books on this list, both written by Bret Easton Ellis. Disagree if you'd like, but as far as I am concerned, he is the worst writer I have ever read. He should be arrested for the unnecessary murder of innocent trees used to produce copies of his dismal excuses for books. Less than zero, indeed.

Today, I saw a thoroughly disappointing movie at the local theater. Don't click on the link if you'd rather I not ruin the suspense for those planning to see it...but I can tell you that the whole friggin' movie is given away in one line right at the beginning of the movie. Maybe I'm just one of those overly analytical people, but when I heard this line, I knew exactly how the plot would probably unfold...and I proceeded to be bored and unsurprised for 2 hours. That's not exactly getting my 7 bucks worth, dammit.

On that note, I'm now going to take Jodie for her final walk and then I'm going to bed. Kvetching makes me sleepy...

06.10.05 :: homeless muppets edition
So the warm-and-fuzzy Repubican plutocracy goose-steps on, now contemplating a cut in funds to public radio and television. Deities forbid that we have something on regular television that doesn't turn our brains into Cream-of-Wheat like the mind-numbing pabulum of reality television. And look at how liberal it is! Maybe if all the residents of Sesame Street taught Bible verses and the Teletubbies waved Amuhrakin flags, the Repubicans wouldn't be so desperate to silence them. Because we all know that there shouldn't be anything on television that teaches upcoming generations the values of tolerance and acceptance that not everyone is the same...but that that is what makes life so wonderful and beautiful.

Sieg heil, Herr MonkeyBone.

06.10.05 :: beat the rush edition
Holy bandwidth overload, Batman! Something has attracted a whole lot of attention overnight in the lair. I'm looking at my site statistics, trying to figure it out. Hope I don't max my limit...

06.09.05 :: lick it and stick it edition
Canada is so much cooler than us on so many levels, but now the coolness even extends to their postage stamps. How cool would it be to be able to create your own stamps? It's bad enough that online bill paying options are slowly killing our postal service's revenue...I think this would help increase revenue. I know I'd love to have a book of stamps adorned with Jodie's adorable face...

06.08.05 :: soaring edition
Paragliding sounds so friggin' awesome. I would love to do this at some point.

Anyone want to join me?

06.08.05 :: miracle worker edition
Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson. You succeeded in seducing us all...

06.08.05 :: rude awakening edition
I can't stand Toby Keith. He's an obnoxious jingo dingo and the last thing I want to wake up to in the morning. Guess that's what I get for setting my alarm to a country station.

06.07.05 :: spirited away edition
I finally got it right with Netflix. I rented Spirited Away and was just that. The richness of imagination...the stunning visuals...the wonderful, encapsulating story left me aching from the beauty of it all. I fell in love with Hayao Miyazaki after watching Princess Mononoke...this movie has made me a happy disciple.

06.06.05 :: far-reaching ramifications edition
For an administration that claimed to want less government interference in our daily lives, they sure are going out of their way to control every damn thing imaginable.

And Repubican politicians wonder why DemocRATS think they have no sympathy. It's because, unless it's happening to them or one of their rich constituents, they just don't care.

06.06.05 :: "america...fuck yeah!" edition
I'm ashamed to admit that I watched the puppet movie that Trey Parker and Matt Stone created last year. It was as stupid as it looked. It was the typical churlish fare from the South Park gurus(I knew this would be the case and I really wasn't expecting Olivier). Some of it was pretty on-target. Most of it was just stupid and too over-the-top to be succesful as the satire it hoped to be (this was the case with the South Park movie, too: had a pretty reasonable point to make, but it went so overboard that the point was dulled to a stub).

The really crappy part? I have this stupid song from the soundtrack stuck in my head: "America...fuck yeah!"

06.06.05 :: bump in the road edition
Jodie seems better today. She ate most of her breakfast and seemed far more responsive. I'm so thankful for each tail-wagging moment.

06.05.05 :: jinxed edition
A while ago, I joined a Canine Cancer group to get information on options for Jodie. I have refrained from saying much. There is just so much loss and heartbreak. I read the posts, but I don't really know what to say. One thing I have learned throughout my experiences is that sometimes "sorry" just doesn't mean anything when you're staring into the abyss of pain and loss.

I finally posted last night to let everyone know how well Jodie has been doing and how well her first chemo treatment went. This morning, I found Jodie on the couch. She had to be coaxed to go outside and she refused her breakfast. In fact, she hasn't eaten anything all day. She's drinking a lot more water than usual and panting, which could be an indication of pain...or it could just be her way of telling me that I'm cheap and I need to turn up the air conditioning.

This could just be a fluke. She may very well be fine tomorrow. After all, she's been fine since her surgery, which was a month ago tomorrow. She's been playful and active, going for walks every day in the park. Tomorrow, she may fine. It may also be more. I have known that she has been on borrowed time since that awful morning at the emergency vet.

If she still isn't better in the morning, it'll be a call to her vets to find out what I should do next to borrow some more time.

Here's hoping it's just a fluke...

06.05.05 :: congestion tax edition
London mayor Ken Livingstone is urging U.S. mayors to adopt a congestion tax similar to London's tax as a means of encouraging people living in more congested urban cities to abandon their auto-nomy and join the public transportation masses.

I absolutely applaud such a tax...for London. After all, I have said many times that I couldn't believe the efficiency, cleanliness, and overall excellence of London's Underground. But I live in D.C., where the Post is now issuing a four-article breakdown of the Metro's downward spiral, more noticeable than ever in recent years. Trains are breaking down 64 percent more often than they did just 3 years ago. Daily delays have doubled since 2000. And more than $1 billion dollars later, the transit system is more problem-riddled than ever before.

Hey, there's the solution! We should enact the congestion tax. Then we can dump all that money into Metro. Then we can boast having the most expensive railway botch-job in the world!

Ah, the cynical solution...gotta love it.

06.02.05 :: "more american than hooters" edition
This is one of those stories that makes me feel an embarrassment for America that rivals my embarrassment over MonkeyBone in the White House. What shallowness are we producing as a society when companies that sell spinning rims for more than $4,000 are able to find more than enough business to survive?

Meanwhile, places that are trying to help others are suffering from lack of funds, like the Whitman-Walker clinic, which has to end a huge portion of its D.C. suburban services. But thank Jesus that we're not sick and dying! Let's go buy some rims!

To paraphrase part of this article, we are more jacked up than the streets in D.C.

06.01.05 :: cutesy wutesy edition
I got my hair hacked off on Saturday. I was tired of seeing the same person in the mirror, so I told the girl to cut it short and funky. It's not like Mia Farrow Rosemary's Baby short. It's curly girly short (my red hair is naturally curly, so I guess I should find a boy named Charlie, huh?). My office mate says it's very cute. Everyone who sees it says it's cute. I hate it. I'm so not girly. It does look cool when I wear a hat though...

05.31.05 :: spits or swallows edition
Okay, so I couldn't avoid going the dirty-minded way in referencing the sudden revelation about Deep Throat's identity. So I guess, if it's true, that this guy decided to claim a little of his fame before he cashes in his lottery card. That's cool. But now all the mystery is gone.

Oh well. Guess the next big revelation will be who really shot JFK...

05.31.05 :: cronyism edition
So among the other "issues" that P.G. County has, they now have to find a new school superintendent. They haven't really had much luck in that department, and Andre Hornsby wasn't really an improvement. Here's an interesting op-ed on his sudden but apparently hoped-for departure. The guy had myriad issues, but it's interesting how the author of this piece points to Hornsby's many decisions driven by a desire to give money to his buddies (both those in and out of his bed).

I agree with such complaints whole-heartedly...and I can't help but wonder why no one has raised this issue about MonkeyBone doing the same thing. Or has no one else ever noticed how most of his most trusted staff members are the same people who have been bailing him out of trouble since he was a little chimp?

05.31.05 :: devil may care edition
Taz is being wiped out by a mystery facial cancer that scientists speculate is spread through bites. More than 50 percent of the devil population on Tasmania has been obliterated by devil facial tumor disease (DFTD). How frightening to think that this is a cancer that may be communicable.

05.31.05 :: run, hillary, run edition
Ya know, the best piece of advice that Hillary could follow if she seriously wants to run for president is to run as she is. Don't let the Democratic polishers do what they did to John Kerry. After all, they had him going in so many different directions, no wonder the GOP called him wishy-washy.

Bottom line is, you're never going to please everyone, so just be yourself. Had Kerry done just that, we wouldn't have the Chimp-in-Chief in office right now.

05.31.05 :: crazy in love edition
Finally, it has been confirmed: Falling in love is comparable to a mental illness or an unhealthy addiction. The reporter writes that "...falling in love is among the most irrational of human behaviors...."

And another report shows that people can actually suffer "Broken Heart Syndrome" as evidenced by studies performed at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore. The pain of emotional stress (such as losing a loved one), according to this study, can cause a physical reaction in some that is comparable to a series of massive heart attacks.

So falling in love makes us mental and losing that love makes us feel as though we're dying.

Sounds like we'd all do better to stick with large quantities of chocolate...

05.30.05 :: big brother dating service edition
Attention, online playas and hoochies: Better be careful or someone might just tell the truth about you. Interesting concept: You go on a date with someone you meet online and can then go to one of the sites in this article and rate them based on how they live up to their online profile. Then again, how many people are honest online anyway?

05.30.05 :: roll in the hay edition
I've been long convinced that in a previous life Jodie was some sort of horticulturalist. She loves plants, flowers, shrubs, any sort of foliage. It's odd and adorable all at once.

Now she has kicked it up a notch. Instead of just sniffing, she is now sniffing and rolling. The first time she did this was Saturday. It surprised me a little. Now I just shrug and am thankful that she's not rolling in anything icky. I think she just likes the feel of the grass on her back. Plus, she has this grin that's just too cute...and when her tongue lolls out one side of that grin, I'd pretty much let her roll in anything.

05.29.05 :: liberal media edition
Now the Post is writing articles on how much money Hastert is directing to his hometown while other communities are getting short-changed. Maybe there is a liberal bias to reporting. Then again, maybe they're just enjoying the harsh light of truth that they are shining on this Morality Machine known as the Republican party.

I don't really care either way. I just thought it was an interesting article. I'm actually more pleased that I have finally finished the Tori Amos book that I started reading before I went to Chicago. Wonderful book. I hope one day to meet Ms. Amos so that I might tell her in person.

For now, though, I'm going back for another glass of wine and I'm going to start chipping away at the rest of the other book on my reading.lounge list. Thank the gods for Yellow Tail shiraz and a reason to drink it.

Oh, and just because the other night I watched part of the movie from which this quote is from, I'm going to leave you with my favorite quote and let you all try to figure out from where it comes: "There is a secret song at the center of the earth, Joey, and its sound is like razors through flesh."

Hope it doesn't leave you on pins and needles or make your head hurt too much trying to figure it out...

05.28.05 :: white and wrong edition
Just finished watching White Noise while drinking a white beer. Neither was really all that impressive. The beer was a little too heavy. I might have to wash down the taste with a raspberry wheat ale. And I think the bonus features were more interesting than the movie, which was a little confusing and disconnected. It's one of those movies that's only good as a preview.

However, it was still a million times better than Meet the Fockers, which I watched last night. I hated this movie only slightly less than I hated Meet the Parents. I don't care that these were supposed to be comedies. I don't care that everything worked out in the end. I can't stand watching a movie where someone with good intentions gets shit on at every turn. We get shit on enough in life; do we really need movies packed with such scenarios? Are we supposed to feel all warm and fuzzy because they slap on a bullshit happy ending that "makes it all better"? I don't think so.

Give me sci-fi or horror any day. In fact, I think now it's a Guinness and Halloween sort of evening...

05.28.05 :: bourgeois big brother edition
The homes sold in the community in which I live are poorly constructed overpriced McMansions squeezed onto postage stamp-sized pieces of "land." Every now and then, I receive updates to the community "rules"...I guess because they are required to let the apartment plebes know what's going on as well.

Sometimes I read the updates. The latest is a change to the parking rules in the single-family home section. No parking on any surface other than asphalt or concrete. No parking of work vans or trucks in sight. No boats or "derelict" automobiles in sight (derelict is defined as any sort of body damage or any missing parts). No working on cars in sight.

I grew up in a neighborhood where I watched all sorts of people do car work in their backyards, including my dad. Of course, we had real backyards. Probably every third house had a service van or truck parked in the driveway. Although my dad never drove his van home, he drove one and would sometimes stop by for lunch. As for derelict cars...we had one in the backyard. Our next-door neighbor had one. I can think of several other families who had boats or broken-down cars parked in the backyard...on the grass (oh no!).

Guess that's why you could buy four houses in my old neighborhood for the price of one of these chip-board fireboxes up here. Because, let's face it: It's not about living anymore. It's about looking good.

05.28.05 :: hairy palms too? edition
So maybe it's not all that funny, but you have to admit that there is a certain delicious irony in the FDA investigating a potential link between Viagra and blindness. Guess all those warnings weren't too far off after all...

05.27.05 :: degree revocation edition
I can't believe that it's taking me so long to read the books on my reading.lounge list. I am struck by a deep sense of mortification and an unwavering fear that Testudo will track me down to revoke my English degree.

I must now hide.

05.27.05 :: chemo and beef edition
Jodie had her first chemo treatment yesterday. She received 30 mg of Doxorubicin. The doctors told me that she might get sick or feel lethargic. She dragged me down the stairs to the car...dragged me up the stairs to the apartment...just running and prancing like a puppy. As for the getting sick or not feeling hungry? Didn't happen. I cooked her hamburger last night and it was gone before I was finished cleaning the pan. She even ate the broccoli that I hid in the middle of the hamburger when I cooked it.

She's my sweet little girl.

05.26.05 :: medical whathafu? edition
How does denying the progress of science equal being balanced? Since when did life start at the embryonic stage? Since when did MonkeyBone decide that he should be the final word on research that's way beyond his simian scope of understanding? And why does it feel so damned hypocritical that MonkeyBone "cares" so much about life before it even is life, but he has no problem sacrificing the lives of soldiers for his unnecessary tryst with Ares?

As for DeLame and his thoughts on having the extra embryos used for children to be adopted...is he just not paying attention to how many THOUSANDS of children are being shuttled around, abused, and in some instances lost by the foster care system we have in this country because there are no families who want to adopt them? Excuse me: no good, Christian-approved families.

Why am I surprised by these stupid decisions and comments? All I can say is I can't wait until we get a president who truly is compassionate to all those who are suffering from diseases for which there may be a cure hidden within the research he is denying because he wants to remain with his lips surgically attached to the ass of the religious zealots in this country. This is exactly why there needs to be a separation of church and state.

05.26.05 :: mall madness edition
When I was growing up, I had some scary moments in malls, including being trapped in a store during an emergency lockdown while police chased after someone wielding a gun through Iverson Mall. So I know that malls are not immune to violence. This, however, is just scary and wrong on so many levels. I can't wait for more information to come out on what this woman's motivation was. She just started stabbing strangers? What made her snap?

05.26.05 :: east meets west edition
Today is Jodie's first round of chemotherapy. I had to drop her off this morning at the veterinary hospital. And she knew I was leaving her there. There is nothing worse than when your sweet puppy is desperately trying to leave with you instead of letting the vet tech take her away.

I just have to keep telling myself that this is for the best...that the chemo is hopefully going to keep her well. I'm also waiting to hear from a holistic veterinarian. I'm going to also travel the Eastern path of healing with Jodie. I'm sure that many people (especially those who have never known the unconditional and absolutely pure love of a dog) would think I'm crazy. I just think I'm someone who loves my Jodie girl.

05.23.05 :: ?¿? edition
Terri Clark is engaged.

Don't really have anything else to say about that one.

05.20.05 :: never learn edition
So, didn't we learn any lessons from the Newsweek violence? Now we're going to post photos of Saddam in his tighty whities? Are we stupid?

Actually, let's not answer that question...

05.20.05 :: can we quote you? edition
I can't even get into how damn-fool ignorant Jack Johnson is. I can't even decide which of the quotes from this article are the worst, although his statements about rape make him sound ignorant and insensitive. I mean, come on! "Relationship issues"? And this is the man in charge of "Gorgeous Prince George's."

Damn-fool ignorant.

05.20.05 :: the gambler edition
Jodie went to see a veterinary oncologist yesterday. He did X-Rays and ultrasound and found no signs of new growth. Her bloodwork from Monday also showed no significant abnormalities. Now comes the big decision: Do we go for chemo? Do we go the holistic route? Do we try a combination of the two?

I don't know what I'm going to do...

05.18.05 :: riddle me this edition
Jim Carrey wishes he could have been as spectacular a Riddler as Frank Gorshin was.

05.16.05 :: staple puller edition
Jodie is now staple-free. She's also 13 pounds lighter than she was two Fridays ago: She weighed in at 48 pounds. Time to bulk up on Milk-Bones.

The treatment discussion was not as prosperous as I had hoped. There might not be any medication left from this experimental treatment to which the vets alluded on Friday. That pisses me off. But I'm going to call the doctor responsible for this treatment and find out from him what he can do for Jodie.

Right now, though, she gets a reprieve and a rest...and tomorrow she gets a bath.

05.15.05 :: treatments, confrontations, and bootlegs edition
It's been a really good weekend for Jodie. That kind of makes it even more difficult to understand that there are awful things happening inside her. She's playing with her bunny again and wanting to go on walks. After she has her staples removed tomorrow, I hope the doctor says we can return to our evening walk routine. I'm also going to speak with the hospital oncologist about an experimental treatment that I might be able to get for Jodie. It's her best hope right now for a survival rate longer than just a few months. I hope I can get her into the study. Seeing her personality reemerge from sickness this weekend makes it even more heartbreaking to consider that she might not be with me much longer.

I had a bit of a confrontational moment a few minutes ago with the owners of these obnoxious pugs who live downstairs. Because I can't walk Jodie very far right now, I have to walk her in front of our building. These dogs bark frantically every time they see her. And the owners just let them. Today, Jodie went to the bathroom where they could see her and they began to bark. I started to walk Jodie away and I heard a voice from the apartment yell at me to clean up after my dog. That was it for me. I detest people who take it upon themselves to become the Doggie Poo Gestapo...but when it's the owners of those bug-eyed little ankle biters, and when all my dog did was pee (what am I supposed to do, have her pee on a sponge?), I am just through. So I turned around and walked right over to their window and asked if he was talking to me (yes, I felt very Travis Bickle). He sure as hell didn't expect that. Neither did I. I'm not a confrontational person at all...but back off when it comes to my dog.

On a lighter note, I found this amazing Tori Amos fan site that is exploding with MP3s, including every song from the only CD made by Y Kant Tori Read. Of course I downloaded them all. They're interesting, but they are not Tori as we know her now. I also found the prize I was hoping to find: a bootleg of Tori's version of "Like a Prayer" from her concert at the Warner last month. I'm not going to post the URL here because I would hate to broadcast this site too much and cause it to get shut down...but if you're really nice, I might share it with you...

05.13.05 :: dissention among the ranks
Hmm. Don't really think there's any need to pontificate on this one. Good on ya, Voinovich. MonkeyBone needs to stop thinking that whoever he nominates for a post should immediately be granted that opportunity. That's precedent-settingly dangerous.

05.13.05 :: up close and personal edition

Mmm, nothin' says tasty like gleaming staples in your tummy. No more redness and swelling though. Sorry for the graphic image...I cropped it to make it a little less disturbing...as if that was a possibility, right? Want to see a bigger photo?

05.13.05 :: extreme reporting edition
Speaking of P.G. County, guess it's not a good idea to try to do any sort of exposé on the county's multifarious seedy ongoings. Sadly, I'm not surprised by this in the least. Want to learn more about why I'm not surprised? How about reading about how in one weekend seven people were murdered, including a 4-year-old boy? This now means that P.G. has surpassed the District in murders. And it's only May.

Or how about the alarmingly high auto theft rate? The police are calling it an "epidemic." I call it just another day in P.G.

I really hope the story on Andrea McCarren's run-in with P.G.'s finest goes national.

Return to 05.03.06 contemplation.

05.13.05 :: triskaidekaphobia edition
Happy Friday the 13th. Jodie had a really great day yesterday. I was able to remove her fentanyl pain patch, and that seemed to make all the difference in the world. It was like watching a rebirth as her personality began to emerge from the medicated abyss. I finally put back on her "pimp chain" (that's what I call her collar; what can I say...I'm from P.G. County) but it's way too big for her now. I'm sure that's the case with her harness, too. Guess we're going to have to have a Petsmart makeover trip when she's feeling better.

I ventured away from the apartment for the first time all week, to see Sarah McLachlan at the Patriot Center. It was hard to leave Jodie, even though I made sure she was not left alone, but it was wonderful to have a short respite. And what better respite than that amazingly crystalline voice? It was far too long in between new CDs for Sarah...I'm so happy that she's back.

05.12.05 :: double exposure edition
I'm sitting at my desk, writing metadata tags for the new Web site at work, and I just watched a guy with a mohawk put a skateboard into the trunk of a car. Weird.

I wonder if the Diane Arbus exhibit, "Revelations," will ever come to D.C. Or maybe I can make it to New York to see it at the MoMA. I've always found her photographs to be haunting and mildly disturbing...and any photographer who can inspire the Shining twins is pretty cool in my book.

05.12.05
The biopsy results have confirmed that Jodie has hemangiosarcoma.

She's getting better every day. I stopped some of her meds last night, and she's now alert and responsive...and wagging her tail. She's telling me that it's not her time. So we'll regroup and figure out the next step.

05.11.05 :: sick again edition
Another set-back. Jodie got sick again. It could be all sorts of things: the pain medication, the pain, the fact that she keeps trying to walk farther and farther whenever we go outside. Her gums are pink, which is a good thing. That means that blood is still getting to her extremities. No internal bleeding.

I keep stupidly reading about hemangiosarcoma and wondering what I've done to Jodie if this is indeed her diagnosis. I thought that I did the right thing by having them save her on Friday. But what have I saved her for?

But the biopsy results aren't yet back. I very well could be jumping to conclusions. I'm just finding it hard to look into her sweet face and think that I could be setting her up for even more pain. I mean, really, look at these eyes and tell me how it would make you feel...

05.10.05 :: self-manicure edition
I know that news is occurring. I know that the real world is marching on outside my apartment. The rotation of my own world, however, centers on Jodie and her slow progress toward healing. Today has been a pretty good day. She's growing stronger and this afternoon she ate quite a bit more than she did yesterday. She hasn't needed a pain pill since 3 this morning. She's even reached the self-manicure stage (she has always been a DIY kinda girl). The light brightens at the end of the tunnel.

05.10.05 :: jodie watch edition
I feel as though I should create some sort of spiffy "Jodie Watch 2005" graphic for my updates.

We had a minor set-back overnight. Jodie woke me up around 3 a.m. throwing up. Strangely, it was mostly her own hair. That would have made me sick, too. When I called (at 3 a.m.; hey, it's a 24-hour clinic), the vet agreed that the hair probably irritated her stomach. Also, she's on so much medication, including some pretty powerful pain medication. So, we settled back down and tried to get a little more sleep. Although, I admit that I didn't really fall back asleep. I sort of just closed my eyes for 15 minutes at a time.

I'm so lucky that I have a job that I can do from home. And that I have a boss, coworkers, and client who all understand how important it is for me to be with Jodie right now. The client even called me yesterday just to ask how Jodie was doing and to tell me to not worry; she knew I was still working and taking care of everything I needed to take care of.

05.08.05 :: best gift edition

My heart has come home. The hospital let me bring Jodie home this evening. She's groggy as hell and shaved so weirdly that I thought she'd gone punk on me. But she's home. I had to do a little HGTV-esque reorganizing of the living room. She wanted to get on the couch so badly, but she can't jump (here's a picture of her stapled tummy for those who are interested and not squeamish)...so I brought the couch to her. Hell, I'd bring the moon to her if she wanted it.

Happy Mother's Day to all, including those who are mommies to the four-footed children of the world.

05.08.05 :: jodie update edition
I got to see Jodie yesterday for an hour. She has a cut all along her abdomen from where they went in to remove her spleen. She was able to walk around outside for a little while and she was generous with her kisses as she always is. She also made up her mind that she didn't want to be at the hospital anymore. While outside, she tried very hard to find the right car that would take her home. My Jodie girl is very smart. When we left, she got upset and pawed at the cage door. That hurt my heart. But it made me happy to see that she was able to walk on her own.

She did get sick after we left, but the vets think it was because of her pain medication. I'm waiting to hear from the doctor this morning. I don't know if visiting might upset her again. It would upset me to not see her, but I need to think about her first.

I always think about her first.

05.06.05
The eye of the storm has passed. The devil ravaging my poor little Jodie was given a possible name today. Hemangiosarcoma. It's as ugly as it looks. We spent the early morning hours at the emergency veterinary hospital. What amazingly kind, devoted people. They gave her oxygen and blood and plasma transfusions. Then they removed her spleen. They still need to biopsy before they know for certain.

I haven't seen her since 5:30 this morning. I held her head and looked into her beautiful mismatched eyes and I knew I would allow the doctors to do whatever it took to save her. How could I not?

She came through surgery fine and the doctors are pleased with her recovery. I couldn't see her tonight because they want her to rest. I just want her home...

05.05.05 :: any means edition
I've had a few of my faithful snoggees ask me why I never commented on Laura Bush's speech at the correspondents dinner. Because I just don't care about the programmed "spontaneity" of the Stepford Bush. Here's another confession: Of all the Republican Stepford Wives, I find Laura Bush to be the most offensive to my ingrained sensibilities as an independent person who happens to be a woman. Perhaps it's just because I have never had it said of me that I "know my place." She reminds me too much of the programmed robot women at my old high school. That's anathema to me.

Besides, I'm irritated that my beloved Post would rather report on this pathetic attempt at Republican humor than report on this interesting story from Colorado about Army recruiters with who are way more "helpful" than they should be. No high school diploma? No problem! You're a junkie? No problem! Our country's new slogan should be "Whatever it takes to meet our quotas!"

05.05.05 :: really, most sincerely edition
How cool: Oz's munchkin coroner has written a book.

05.05.05 :: "degenerate, unassimilated foreigners" edition
Wow, things are a-changing at good ole Bob Jones University. You've got to read this article just to get a flavor of the insanity that takes place beyond the walls of BJU. My favorite parts are how "outsiders" can't see the student handbook because they wouldn't understand; the pope is the antichrist (and you all probably thought I was making it up about the Occult section Catholic books); George H.W. Bush is a "devil" (well, I'm not going to argue that point); and George Wallace, according to Bob Jones, Jr., was "David, warring against the giant, Tyranny." Oh and don't miss the section from which I pulled the quote in my title. Or how they edit Shakespeare.

Nice. And there was a time when I thought it would be funny to go there just so I could say I went to BJ University...

05.05.05 :: sick edition
Sense a theme to my contemplations lately? My little Jodie girl seems to be feeling better. I hope that it's not just the eye of the storm.

So what kind of a sick fucknut fist-bludgeons and kicks an 83-year-old woman?

05.03.05 :: feeling crappy edition
My poor little Jodie. She's not feeling very well. She's been christening my carpet every other day with encores of her food. So today was a vet trip. Bloodwork. Stool sample. Rectal thermometer. Liquids. Always hurts when our sweet ones are poked and prodded. Hopefully, we're going to take care of whatever it is that's making her feel pupchuck-a-rific.

Speaking of feeling crappy, nice that Dave Matthews and his band made such a hefty donation to the enviros after their bus driver dumped 800 pounds of human waste on a tour boat in Shitcago...er, I mean Chicago. This was just all sorts of gross when I read it last August. It's still all sorts of gross. At the same time, I'm thinking, Damn. What the hell are Dave and crew eating on that bus? All those magic brownies must have a hella effect...

05.02.05 :: one-fingered salute edition
The American Conservative Union Foundation is giving Tom DeLay a tribute dinner on May 12. A member of the Free Congress Foundation says that they are honoring DeLay's "strong leadership" and that they consider him to be "the key to the president's agenda." What, you mean the agenda that is falling all to hell as MonkeyBone and his gargoyles realize that the only thing they are accomplishing this second term is turning more and more against their over-the-top conservative pandering?

This is the kind of stuff that makes me understand how giddy Republicans must have been during the Clinton sex scandal, because this is just too delightful for me to stand.

04.30.05 :: walkin' after midnight edition
I'm so glad that my "Midwest Flu" is almost through with me. I'm about finished with waking up with the sick sweats and feeling like I've been dragged down I-95 behind the Hells Angels.

Weird that I never knew until this article that Patsy Cline was from Winchester, Virginia. She's even buried there. I guess I find it so cool because I have roots in that area and have driven through Winchester on many ocassions. And, yes, Ms. Heavy Metal/Goth/Grunge likes Patsy Cline. Bet you can just imagine what my iPod playlists would be like...

04.29.05 :: don't panic edition
I love Douglas Adams. I mean, how can anyone not love the author of a book entitled The Long Dark Teatime of the Soul? Yes, he wrote many things before his untimely passing, but he will forever be famous among the geek elite like me for his wonderful "trilogy" that has now become the movie, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

I am intrigued. Will it be mostly harmless? Or will it cause me to leave early, without so much as a so long and thanks for all the fish?

04.28.05 :: freudian fingers edition
Hmm. I noticed an interesting Freudian slip in my entry from yesterday. I've corrected it, but I think it's funny what the drugs did to my typing...

04.28.05 :: up in smoke edition
Ya know, just because you're shelling out the big bucks to drop Dakota and Apple in a fancy private school, that doesn't mean that they are all of a sudden immune to what you might consider to be the laws of the proles. Instead of showing incredulity over the fact that your little brats were expelled for riding the reefer train in Costa Rica, maybe you should have spent more time teaching them that they need to understand personal responsibility and respect for the funds you were investing into their educations. Funds that have been wasted.

And I better not read a followup piece on how the school let them come back...

04.27.05 :: hallucinatory edition
Okay. I'm really swimming on Sudafed and Halls right now, so maybe I'm not seeing this correctly. The Saudi Arabian Embassy spokesperson said that MonkeyBone held hands with the crown prince back in 2002 and no one made as big a deal as this time.

Yeah, but in 2002 MonkeyBone wasn't quite as attached to his constitutional amendment kick as he is now. Better not let Jerry Falwell see you. Look what he did to Tinky Wink just for carrying a man bag...

I need more Sudafed...

04.26.05 :: priorities edition
THANK GOD. You know, I have lain awake at night for so many years, wondering when South Carolina would finally make cockfighting a felony. Who cares that they failed to pass a domestic violence bill that would have made beating a woman a felony, too? Guess it's not a surprise that they would care more about cocks...

04.25.05 :: happy donkey dance edition
BooYA! I love reading that my little donkeys are braying and bucking against the GOP. I think Republicans have always been off the hook, but ever since November, they seem to think that they're invincible. It's time to dump a little liquid nitrogen on that pen-clicking nonsense (extra points if you followed that fuzzy allusion).

04.25.05 :: appending the chapel edition
Okay, I fell asleep on the couch after dinner so I'm a little more rested than during my last entry...so I do have something more to say about this cousin thing. I live in a state that seems to have no problem with the fact that they just allowed two people to marry whose mothers are sisters. YET there are people who are asking that Governor Erhlich refuse to pass recent laws in favor of giving gay couples the same rights afforded to married heterosexual couples.

I don't get it. These people are all right with relatives marrying each other but not letting partners enjoy healthcare benefits. You do realize that these cousins are going to procreate and probably have some kid with three eyeballs and an extra arm growing out of their stomach...but that's all right?

Sometimes I just don't understand.

04.25.05 :: goin' to the chapel edition
The cousins have married. There's a whole shitload of social commentary I could go into right about now, but I'll just let it go. It's just wrong and gross and that's that.

04.24.05 :: may the force find you edition
When I was leaving Baltimore on Wednesday, I met a woman who was traveling to Indianapolis for this Star Wars convention. Funny that here I am, a dyed-in-the-wool sci-fi geek and four-time veteran of Trek conventions and I didn't even know this was taking place until she told me about it.

Oh well. I hope the convention was fun...

04.24.05 :: purr.whirr edition
Is this the advent of the age of DynoMutt...er, I mean DynoKitt? They look sort of creepy. And there are certain pet rules that I would prefer to stick with: A) My dog can't be smaller than a cat and B) My cat can't be composed of electronic wiring. Besides, with this thing, you miss out on the joys of hairballs being hacked at 3 in the morning.

I have to admit, though, I'm intrigued by the notion of pet cloning. But it makes me wonder: How many copies can you make of something before it starts to unravel and say things like "Did you bring me a monkey, Steve?"

04.24.05 :: catching up edition
When will we evolve to the point where we realize that we can't get away with improper deeds forever? At some point, you're going to get caught. Ain't that right, Tommy Boy? So, is this still just the Democrats trying to bring you down? Or just your own flaming arrogance?

04.24.05 :: home again, home again edition
I picked up Jodie this morning; Sammy is in a front parking spot with a full tank of gas; my laundry is finished, folded, and put away; and my groceries for the week are in the fridge. No more wind knocking me into the sides of buildings. No more martinis in the back room of Cafe Luciano's. No more, "The restrooms are located at the end of the hallways and on the right past the coat room." No more running up and down the stairs and hallways, doing A/V checks during breaks. No more.

I slept on the flight back. I missed my free bag of peanuts and 7-Up, but I needed the sleep way more. I'm halfway conscious of the fact that my head bobbled back a few times and my mouth subsequently hung open for short periods. I hope I didn't snore when that happened...but since I didn't know anyone on the flight, I don't really care. I missed not having a window seat like I had on the way to Chicago. I love watching the land recede as we begin our lazy ascending spirals. I love looking at the tops of the clouds.

I'm almost halfway through Tori Amos' book, Piece by Piece. Reading this book makes me want to sit with Tori in a room with windows that face the east and decorated with overstuffed couches and burning rose sandalwood candles, drinking wine and just absorbing a fraction of her essence until the sun rises. She is so intelligent, spiritual, sensual, mythical, mystical, and creative. This book is like no other "autobiography" I have ever read before. It's really more of a revelation...a peek into the creative processes behind her music, her lyrics, her thoughts, and a sliver of her being.

Anyway, I guess that's my latest book plug. If you like Tori, definitely read this book.

04.23.05 :: blown away edition
Where in the world is Loba Sandiego? I'll give you some hints: It's snowing in April. The wind is so strong I've almost been blown over several times (of course, that was after I'd had a few margaritas on the rocks...but whatever). The city almost once succumbed to bovine-induced conflagration (or so the rumor goes).

Give up? I'm working a conference in the Windy City of Chicago. And, yes, it was snowing yesterday. Today, the meteorologists described as "breezy." When trees are bending almost to the ground and lightposts are bouncing, that ain't breezy.

The food, however, has made the weather more palatable. Giordano's has deep dish pizza that would make Jesus sin (ow, let me just move out of the way of the lightning bolt). The night life is a little subdued, but I'm going to assume it was just because the weather kept people from partying on a Friday night.

Anywhoodle, I need to get back to work. Just thought that I would drop in for a little hey.

04.19.05 :: xvi and 6 edition
New pope. He shall be called Benedict XVI. I guess that's cool. The thing is, though...well, he's only 6 years younger than John Paul was when he died. Talk about buying the car right before the warranty is about to end...

04.19.05 :: instrinsically linked edition
Strange how memories are formed. Today is the 10th anniversary of the Oklahoma City bombing. To me, that means that 10 years ago this morning, I was sitting on the campus lawn on an incredible spring day with the rest of my English 1020 class, reading William Butler Yeats. It was a class like any other until one of my classmates found us and told the professor that she was late because she was watching the news on the bombing.

Weird to think that I will always remember the events of what I thought was just another regular morning.

04.18.05 :: evil acronym edition
Could a T-shirt send you to hell? Because I really want a wtfwjd shirt. Or a bumper sticker.

Apparently, irreverance has become my religion.

04.18.05 :: plastic utensils edition
I feel like I'm having "one of those days." One of those "I can't even wash my hands in the restroom without dribbling water down the front of my tan pants" kind of days. Keep the silverware and glasses away.

04.18.05 :: sanitized edition
Ya know, if you don't want to see all of it, don't watch any of it. This "movie sanitation" gig sounds like a crock of holy roller crap to me. It would be like taking an exacto knife to Titian's Venus With a Mirror because there's nudity or Artemisia Gentileschi's Judith Beheading Holofernes because you're offended by the violence.

I'm not trying to say that these movies are on the same level as these paintings...but these people who think that they should be allowed to edit them to their own preferences...that's setting a dangerous precedent. Next, well, we'll just want to remove these chapters from this Huxley book. Oh, and we really don't need this part of this Atwood book...and we can really just get rid of this whole half of this Twain novel.

Very dangerous water, especially when they start hacking up cartoons, like the SpongeBob SquarePants movie, for dubious reasons. Family Flix cut out a part where one of the male characters (how can you tell what sex a sponge is?) was singing in drag. The company's representative said this when asked why they made this edit: "We don't hate homosexuals....We just don't think that lifestyle should be glorified. It's becoming rampant in more types of films."

Um. Bugs Bunny dressed in drag so often that Hallmark created a Christmas ornament of him dressed as Carmen Miranda. Scooby Doo dressed in drag, including dressing as a woman in the first live-action movie. Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble dressed in drag. Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari started their careers in drag! For crying out loud, what the hell are they going to do to Tootsie!

Dangerous...

04.18.05 :: monopoly edition
Interesting news on the cyber-nerd scene: Adobe is acquiring Macromedia. Great. That means that the small, overpriced design market has just gotten smaller. Soon we'll need to sell spare organs to afford this stuff.

And companies wonder why people hack their software...

04.17.05 :: bad trip edition
What the shit are these things? Teletubbies was pushing it. Boohbah? In what language does that mean, "I took some really bad acid and now I think Satan is living in my clicking eyeballs"? And they fart! How is that educational?

Give me Scooby Doo and Sesame Street any damn day...

04.17.05 :: sonic youth edition
Back home and dogless. Long story that I'll explain later, but suffice it to say, this sucks. I'll try to refrain from whining. It's going to be hard, but I think I can do it.

My parents and I had lunch from Sonic before I left. I don't really eat fast food that much anymore...okay, just shut up right now. I do not consider Chick-fil-A to be fast food. I consider it to be modern-day ambrosia and I, like Velaska, pursue it at all cost. Sorry. Didn't mean to wander off on that tangent.

Anyway, I don't really eat much fast food anymore...but Sonic is too good to pass up. Damn the fates that Maryland has no Sonics. Whathafu on that one. There are like a gajillion McCoronaries but no Sonics. Rat bastards.

Still read part of the Post while down south. Saw that my chance to own property might be soon coming. Yeah, this talks about how the prices are going up astronomically. My theory, though, is things cannot continue on an upward trend forever. What goes up...yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm just going to be patient a little longer and wait for the deafening pop. If there's one thing I'm really good at, it's being patient...

04.16.05 :: every minute edition
I'm slightly MIA from the lair right now...I've gone country for the weekend. But it's always nice to take a little break and read up on what one of my favorite Repubicans is doing when he isn't jetsetting on the company dime (other companies, of course).

The fact that DeLame has been able to raise so much money for his campaign is further proof to support P.T. Barnum's supposition that there's a fool born every minute...as well as the tangential supposition that a fool and his money are soon parted.

04.14.05 :: just plain stupid, part 2 edition
I'll give DeLame a break in this one and focus on the physical embodiment of "Absolute power corrupts absolutely" who is leading the God-Ordained Plutocracy down a path they may greatly regret traveling. Fine. Travel ho! And he'll only have his own impudence to blame when he inevitably causes Congress to grind to a halt.

04.14.05 :: just plain stupid edition
You know, DeLay must think the American people are dumb as dirt, as the old saying goes. If he thinks for a second that what he said today concerning his completely ignorant and incendiary comments about the judges who upheld Terry Schiavo's rights constitutes an apology, then he deserves his new LobaName: DeLame. I mean, look at this:

I said something in an inartful way, and I shouldn't have said it that way, and I apologize for saying it that way....It was taken wrong. I didn't explain it or clarify my remarks, as I'm clarifying them here. I am sorry that I said it that way, and I shouldn't have.

Don't think for a second that this word nerd was fooled. He didn't apologize for his ignorant remarks! He apologized for "that way" he said what he said. And if anyone thinks for a second that even this paltry offering was at all sincere, then they need a serious reality check.

04.14.05 :: organized verbal smackdown edition
I love Howard Kurtz. Anyone who can deliver a bitch-slap so precisely, professionally, and logically gets major kudos with me. Of course, I know that this won't shut DeLay's piehole, but that's all right. Hopefully, he'll be silenced soon enough.

And hey, then maybe in a few years he can have a little "comeback" article written about him like this piece on Trent Lott...

04.13.05 :: vampire hunter k edition

Remember that great Vapors song, "I think I'm Turning Japanese"? Better nerd-detector question: Remember Julianne Moore dancing to this song in The Gun in Betty Lou's Handbag? Damn funny movie. Anyway, I can't take credit for this little PhotoShop trick. This really cool morpher program did all the work for me. There are other options for your photos, but I chose to go with the manga option. Too bad it couldn't give me a cool hat and a talking hand like Vampire Hunter D...

04.13.05 :: baseball hat sundae edition
It's definitely true that smell is the sense most closely linked to memory (ya know, that's what they say on those Old Spice deodorant commercials...and television ads would never lie, would they?). There's a scent that hits me every afternoon as I'm walking through the first set of doors to leave my office building...I don't know what it is or where it's coming from, but the smell reminds me of what a Baskin-Robbins smells like. The second I smell it, I'm all of a sudden in the summer after 6th grade, waiting in line with my parents to get an ice cream sundae made in a plastic bowl shaped like a batting helmet.

We collected all the major league teams that summer. That would probably explain why my nickname during that part of my life was "Hungry, Hungry Hippo." Kids are damn cruel...and most memories are bittersweet.

Now don't ever say that I never shared anything personal with you, snoggees...

04.12.05 :: on the ropes edition
AD asked me if I was going to see Iron Mike's D.C. fight against Irishman Kevin McBride. I didn't even know about this until tonight when I was watching the news. Some guy whose name I didn't catch was saying that it was time that Tyson was allowed to fight in D.C. because there was no ethical reason to deny him a license. He's served his time and he's changed.

Right. I bet this guy would be singing a completely different tune if Tyson wasn't a famous rapist, but just a Joe-Shmoe rapist who wanted to move into his neighborhood where his two teenaged daughters live.

Oh, and the answer to the question, AD? Take one guess.

04.12.05 :: sovereign source edition
I hate reading articles like this. They make me angry...and you won't like me when I'm angry.

Seriously, knowing that these religious hijackers think they represent the "majority" in this country makes my veins run with ice water. I don't ever want to live in a country where they're in charge. I played the Handmaid's Tale game when I was younger. I ain't never going back to that.

Now I'm going to have nightmares. Thanks, Tex...

04.12.05 :: "yvan eht nioj" edition
Mark it, snoggees: I'm about to praise and side with a Republican. The National Guard wants to sink $6 million into the Robert F. Kennedy Memorial Stadium where the Washington Nationals will play all their home games. In return for this money, they want the stadium to be renamed the National Guard Field at RFK. Why? Because their numbers are low and they want the advertising they'll get whenever the field's name is mentioned.

It's a recruiting scheme. Kind of like the boy band Bart sang with on The Simpsons. Their sole purpose was to cause listeners to join the Navy. Nice to know our military is taking hints from cartoons.

Virginia Senator John Warner, however, has stalled the sealing of this devilish deal. He thinks the Guard should be spending that $6 million more wisely during war, on things such as supplies for troops. Wow. A Republican who actually is thinking about the troops...

04.12.05 :: shuddering edition
Interesting what inspires me to shake awake from my recent news nap. There are some people on this planet who just shouldn't procreate. At least not now. I'm also incredibly irritated by this line at the end of the article: "Spears' impending motherhood may be the ultimate indicator that the former teen princess is all grown up." Having a baby does not indicate being "grown up." It indicates that you know how to fuck (pardon my Multiple Miggs moment there, Clarice). And if you want to see proof of "young parents" who aren't doing that well, come stay with me for a while and listen to Ike and Tina. On their good days they make me wish for retroactive abortion for their parents. I guess it's different for Britney, though. She can just hire an entourage for Baby Spears. That way she can keep partying.

Her prerogative, indeed.

04.11.05 :: too beautiful edition
Glint and flash of vernal fire in blood-red iris
As purple and green spark against dull gray down.
Perched upon my windowsill, you beckon--
Tilt of head, bob and wink--
Before flight becomes too great a pull.

It's far too beautiful a spring day to be a biped.

04.09.05 :: kennend nicht was edition
Sein Blick ist vom Vorübergehn der Stäbe
so müd geworden, daß er nichts mehr hält.
Ihm ist, als ob es tausend Stäbe gäbe
und hinter tausend Stäben keine Welt.

Der weiche Gang geschmeidig starker Schritte,
der sich im allerkleinsten Kreise dreht,
ist wie ein Tanz von Kraft um eine Mitte,
in der betäubt ein großer Wille steht.

Nur manchmal schiebt der Vorhang der Pupille
sich lautlos auf—. Dann geht ein Bild hinein,
geht durch der Glieder angespannte Stille—
und hört im Herzen auf zu sein.

04.08.05 :: "perfect together" edition
Well, PoLT has convinced me that I shouldn't take my summer vacation in New Jersey this year. I can remember when I was little, Jersey used to run these really cheesy commercials that always ended with "New Jersey and you: perfect together." It was in response to all the reports about how medical waste kept washing up on their shores (who knew that would affect tourism?). Methinks it's time to roll those ads back out.

So why is the Army shipping the VX to Jersey? And who the hell thought it would be a good idea to dump it in a river after it's neutralized (can it really be neutralized?)? And do they really expect us to believe that "VX was never used by the U.S. military in combat"? Right. This stuff, according to the article, "can kill a healthy adult male with a single pinpoint droplet" and we're supposed to believe that scientists created it just for shits and giggles?

04.07.05 :: florida secession edition
So can Florida just friggin' secede? They could become their own country. We could create a bunch of jobs by having workers start digging along the state border so there will be a physical separation between us and Florida. And then they can keep Jeb and make him ruler. And they can keep Mel Martinez and his sycophantic memo-writing assistant. So when are the Repubicans going to apologize for accusing Democrats of planting this memo? When are they going to apologize for politicizing this woman's final days for their own advancement? Never. Instead, they're calling the memo a "working draft" that shouldn't have been printed. Right.

Working draft, my ass.

04.07.05 :: sweet the sting edition
Tori stopped back home for a while last night. What a voice. And nestled within her playlist was a cover of "Like a Prayer." Esther would be hard-pressed, even with all her newfound religiosity, to give this song more of a reverential sensuality than Tori did last night.

It's always a nice visit when she comes home...too bad she can't stay longer when she comes...

04.06.05 :: "vast left-wing conspiracy" edition
Since when does investigating the questionable actions of a dirtier-than-normal politician become "a huge, nationwide, concerted effort to destroy everything we believe in"? When the ubiquitous "we" is the God-Ordained Plutocracy and the master of such drama-laden speech is Tom DeLay. If DeLay and his, shall we say, interesting travel agenda represent everything the GOP believes in, then they deserve to go down with his rapidly sinking ship.

04.05.05 :: equal treatment edition
Interesting that Mr. DeLay wants to punish judges who helped uphold the Schiavo decision even though his own family made a similar decision concerning his father. This sort of hypocrisy is as insulting to me as MonkeyBone's effusive praise for the pope. My old high school Bible teacher told us that Catholics would not enter into the kingdom of heaven because they prayed to the Virgin Mary instead of praying to the one true God (personally, I think they're just pissed over the thought of Catholics praying to a woman; hard-core Baptist men think women are only good for one thing and it isn't scintillating conversation or thoughtful debate). And since MonkeyBone already showed allegiance to the penultimate Baptist bastion when he spoke at Bob Jones University (which categorizes Catholic theology under the "occult" section) his praise for the pope is as empty as his head.

04.05.05 :: heavenly fil-A edition
I feel so deprived. I have only recently discovered the pure joy of a classic Chick-fil-A sandwich. Could there be anything better? And this is from a lifelong member of the "I want it so rare it's still mooing" beef club.

04.04.05 :: justice of the wild edition
I suggest that if Gale Norton sees fit to remain quiet about the fate of the Toklat wolfpack, then perhaps she should experience firsthand what it's like to be trapped in the snare of a hunter's trap. Perhaps then she could understand the agony to which these wolves are being subjected.

Right. As if a MonkeyBone appointee would give a damn about that.

04.03.05 :: lost irony edition
How can a movie named Happiness be so god-awful miserable? I understand and revel in the ironic. If this had been an even half-decent study of humankind's eternal pursuit of and subsequent failure to capture this ephemeral state, I probably would be adding it to my wish list right now. Instead, it was an exploitative wallow in everything that makes us disgusting and irredeemable as a species. I feel nauseous. The whole flip-friggin' movie sucked; the final scene literally made me feel like I was going to charf. In fact, I would honestly have to say this is the worst movie I have ever seen (and that's saying a lot since I suffered through every second of Catwoman).

BAD MOVIE. BAD, BAD MOVIE.

04.02.05
Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.

04.01.05 :: arrogant, out-of-control, unaccountable edition
Talk about the epitomy of pot calling the kettle unaccountable. What the hell does DeLay propose? That the federal judges who upheld the law in the Terri Schiavo case instead of catering to the arrogant whims of the God-Ordained Plutocracy should be punished for their impudence? If anything should be receiving more scrutiny, it's the criminal behavior of Mr. DeLay. Protest too much, indeed.

04.01.05 :: doesn't add up edition

I've never been good with numbers, so maybe one of you number nerds out there can help this word nerd with a little addition problem I'm having. Former HUD Secretary Henry Cisneros was busted in 1995 for lying to the FBI about paying off a former mistress. He paid a $10,000 fine and served time in prison. That's part A of the equation.

Part B: Independent counsel David M. Barrett was assigned to study this incident to determine whether Cisneros or anyone else in the Clinton administration was trying to hide anything else beyond what Cisneros admitted he'd done.

Part C of the equation is that nearly 10 years later, Barrett is still burning up federal money. In the final 6 months of FY04, he spent more than $1.26 million. In total, he has wasted more than $21 million of your federal tax dollars.

So, how does this equation work? Because I sure as hell don't think it adds up...especially when you consider all the hacking that MonkeyBone is suggesting be done to the federal budget, yet Barrett is still sucking on the federal payroll's teet. Why wasn't he sliced from the budget like the litigious lesion he is?

04.01.05 :: this says it all edition
This encapsulates every reason in the world why Michael Schiavo fought the fight he thought best for Terri Schiavo. At one time she was more than just living. She was alive. She had hopes, dreams, fears, loves, pets, friends, a regular job, and an awful secret borne of internal demons. She was every other girl who was willing to do whatever it took to move far beyond the cruelties that come with being an overweight teen. The weight, however, is so much easier to lose than the insecurities...and those are what finally damaged her most of all.

04.01.05 :: but was it fat-free? edition
By no means am I saying that we should throw food at people who have views that differ from ours...not even those like Pat Buchanan, who has made a career of tormenting those who do not see the world through his morally monochromatic lens. I think this world would be a far better place if we all accepted that everyone has different opinions and beliefs.

04.01.05 :: patience in his suffering edition
I'm not Catholic and I've made no secret of my disdain for most organized religion. I do, however, have respect for the pope. By no means do I believe all that he believes or teaches to the Catholic church...but I respect his belief and devotion. I'm sorry that he soon shall shuffle off this mortal coil.

I hope that whatever awaits him at his passing is all he hoped it to be.

04.01.05 :: "queerest of the queer" edition
I've been car-pooling with Shirley Manson all week. I don't know which is cooler: her awesome singing voice or her kick-ass brogue when she speaks.

03.31.05 :: at peace edition
I'm sure the legal battles will persist, but I hope that Terri Schiavo is at peace now that she is free.

03.31.05 :: nss report edition
I think the WMD Commission's scathing report should officially be called the "NSS Report." NSS? No Shit, Sherlock. Of course, MonkeyBone was completely absolved of any wrongdoing. Imagine that. Got off again (oh the multifarious implications of THAT simple statement).

03.30.05 :: insane things edition
Ugh. I'm such a girl. I just finished watching Wicker Park. A) I really enjoyed it; B) I really enjoyed the soundtrack; and C) I was completely sucked in by the predictable, shmaltzy ending.

Whatever. Just rent it. You might like it, even if you can pretty much see the entire movie unfold in one run-in (oh no, have I said too much?).

03.30.05 :: dirty boy...scout edition
Ew. Double ew that he used to work for the Boy Scouts' Youth Protection Task Force that "worked to shield youth from sexual abuse." But here's what I don't understand: This guy pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography...but they're letting him remain free until his sentencing on July 12.

Okay, Ted Bundy confessed that he started out by getting off to the lingerie sections in store circulars. He turned into one of the most violent rapists/murderers in Florida history. See where I'm going with this? Smith may have been busted for receiving these photos...but is that all he's done? Even if it is all, that's still flip-friggin' gross. Plus, it's not like he's being held without cause. He CONFESSED. He said he's guilty.

So why is he free?

03.30.05 :: doesn't fit edition
I saw last night that Johnnie Cochran died. I'm sorry for any loss of life. And I'm sure that Mr. Cochran did great things for those who truly needed his help...the ones who were actually innocent.

03.30.05 :: all in the family edition
Ya know, sometimes I forget that--even though I live and work right outside Washington, D.C.--I live below the Mason-Dixon Line...which technically means I live in the South (hell, our state song is a call to secede). But it's people like Ellie and Don who help bring back the banjos for me.

So maybe someone in Maryland politics can explain to me why it's legal for first cousins to marry here?

03.29.05 :: global whathafu edition
A Pakistani woman was sentenced to be raped because her brother was seen with a woman from another tribe. Her attackers were sentenced to death, but their sentence was overturned and they were freed. The tribe of the four rapists threw parties in the streets at their release.

And we're supposed to be the civilized animals of the planet.

I'm glad to see that she hasn't given up and that her attackers have been rearrested. Perhaps she will affect a positive change so desperately needed...

03.28.05 :: wrong line of work edition
If you don't agree with filling the medications being prescribed by secular doctors, go be a pharmacist for Bob Jones University. Otherwise, shut up and do your job.

03.28.05 :: geological unrest edition
How much more damage is going to be caused to this part of the world?

03.28.05 ::"inherently unfair and wrong" edition
Apparently, Maryland politicians have been dipping into scholarship funds to grant money to campaign contibutors or their children. Baltimore County Senator James Brochin described this as "inherently unfair and wrong."

Welcome to how the scholarship system works.

03.28.05 :: it hurts to laugh edition
Willy Wonka wrote a book.

03.28.05 :: all about the risks edition
I'm a bit cyber-nomadic right now. I have a sweet new custom computer at home, but I haven't set it up yet. I can't wait to get home tonight though. I won't bore you with the specs of what I have christened my Geek Elite, but if you're interested, I'll be more than happy to share.

Ya know, you can't vote an actor into office and expect anything less than theatrics from his feeble political attempts. Poor outclassed Ahnold. He actually refers to nurses, teachers, firefighters, and police as "special interest groups." Wha? No, they're the groups that are actually providing a necessary service to our country. Unlike the special interest groups he has always belonged to. What has he done his entire life that could be considered a necessity? Oh god, we can't live without an oily bodybuilder! More action stars! That's what will make our lives better. Another lying, manipulative politician! YES! Whatever.

Kahleefornians, beware. He's quoted as saying, "Remember the greatest things that you can accomplish, the more risks you take....It's directly related to risk. Everything like this -- investments and everything else. If you're willing to take risks, then the upside can be spectacular."

Remember, these are words from a man who thought playing Mr. Freeze would be a good risk. Right.

03.26.05 :: ethics problems edition
Time sort of slipped from my hands these past few days. Work and life combined to keep me very busy. And I'm very cool with that.

The Schiavo case still drags on. Morbid though many may think it, I'm going to get a living will. For me, life is not subsisting on machines and feeding tubes. Life is about the experiences I find throughout my journey. And I sure as shit do not ever want to become a polling point for Repubicans who are trying to bolster their votes with Christian conservatives. Both those groups are pure anathema to me.

I find it particularly disgusting how DeLay's involvement in pushing for Congressional intervention is suspect even to his fellow House Repubicans, who "were dubious and suspected that the leader's ethics problems were a motivating factor." The only "ethics problem" DeLay has is his complete lack of them.

Oh, and I'm honing my prognostication from a while ago about Big Time Cheney: I predict that his "sudden retirement" will curiously coincide with Bill Frist's 2006 retirement from the Senate. I smell dirty tricks a-comin'. The only thing scarier than "Vice President Frist" is "President Frist."

03.22.05 :: think geek edition
Holy Revenge of the Nerds, Batman! This is the flip-friggin' coolest Swiss Army knife EVER!

03.22.05 :: trying to understand edition
I just read an article on Black parents who staged a protest against Montgomery County Public Schools because they think there aren't enough Black students in the county's magnet school programs. I'm having a really difficult time understanding the purpose of the protest.

According to the article, 2,100 Black students applied; 20 percent were accepted to the program. The parents declared that it's unfair that the majority of the students accepted are Asian or White. First, there's no way to truly judge the fairness without numbers. For example, according to 2000 Census information on Montgomery County, demographics are 64.8 percent White and 15.1 percent Black. If this protest took place in Prince George's County, which is 62.7 percent Black and 27 percent White, it would be a completely different story.

Statistics from the U.S. Department of Education on one of the schools from which students can apply to a magnet program, Richard Montgomery, state the school is 50.2 percent White, 20.7 percent Asian, 15.4 percent Hispanic, and 13.4 percent Black. The demographics of this one school seem to mirror the demographics of the county.

What about other numbers? How many students in total applied for the program? What's the demographic breakdown? So 2,100 Black students applied; how many White students applied? How many Asian? Hispanic? The Post article was severely deficient in all this information.

Magnet programs are not for everyone. They are for students with exceptional academic records. There is also a limited amount of space for each year's programs, so competition is incredibly difficult. According to the application for one of the middle school programs:

Admission to the Humanities and Communication Magnet Program is very competitive. Highly motivated gifted and talented students are encouraged to apply. Multiple criteria are used to evaluate candidates, including teacher recommendations, written statements from candidates and their parents, previous grades and course work, test scores, and cocurricular interests and achievements.

Montgomery County Public Schools have joined with the NAACP to provide workshops on applying for the magnet program. They published a study guide with assistance on how students can prepare. They've increased their advertisement of the magnet programs to the Black community.

So here's what I don't understand: If admission to the program is based on the above criteria (none of which include race) and if the public school system has provided all the above services to help inform and assist Black students and their parents, and with county demographics being what they are, how is the program, as the protesters claim, biased against Black students? By the fact that Montgomery County is predominantly White?

What am I missing?

03.22.05 :: living end edition
A Federal judge in Tampa refused to intervene in the Schiavo case. Of course, that just means more fighting and clawing from both sides wanting their way. Makes me wonder if this is even about Terri Schiavo anymore, or if it's just people who want to win without considering what they're fighting for.

I imagine this case has caused quite an increase in living wills.

03.22.05 :: unfathomable edition
I can't in a million years imagine being a high school student in today's world. Worst school shooting since Columbine. There shouldn't even be a precedent for comparison.

03.21.05 :: ugly hypocrites edition
Interesting bit of reading, this Texas Futile Care Law. Signed into law by then-Governor MonkeyBone. Helped facilitate the murder of a 6-month old baby...let's not hold back; after all, DeLay used the word "murder" in reference to his party's new pin-up girl...oh, and of course, the ultimate cream-your-jeans Repubican keyword: "terrorism." Although I think his Web site made a slight spelling error: "...as long as Terri Schiavo can breathe and her supporters can pray, we will not rest." Shouldn't that read, "supporters can pay"?

When MonkeyBone signed the Schiavo bill into law, he said, "I will continue to stand on the side of those defending life for all Americans, including those with disabilities." Again, so long as their supporters can p(r)ay. And as long as they can be hammered into the square peg of fat-cat fundamentalist Christianity. I bet if Schiavo was a Buddhist lesbian on welfare, she'd be halfway to the crematorium by now.

Thanks, Tex, for the Kleiman link (thanks, too, to Pez, who sent the article a nanosecond after Tex).

03.21.05 :: prince of dorkness edition
While reading about Joe Steffen, I found myself continuously picturing Artie Ziff, the dweebish Don Juan of The Simpsons lore who tried to woo Marge with his nebbishy claims of greatness.

I know, too, that that's a dangerously benign way of picturing this dirty rotten Repubican attack dog. Modern politics is a grotesque display and people like Steffen help perpetuate the ooze. Perfect encapsulation? His suggestion on how to attack Barack Obama in light of revelations about Jack Ryan's Borg Bondage escapade. Here was a man running meritoriously and Steffen proposed ways of soiling his run to bring him down to his opponent's level (although even a dip in dung wouldn't have brought Obama to Ryan's level).

Just damned dirty.

03.21.05 :: who's afraid edition
How delicious to be described as "She of the emasculating retort." The movie version of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? is one of my favorite classic films. I wonder if this version of the stage play is coming anywhere near me...or if I might just have to hit the road for NYC once more...

03.21.05 :: nothing sacred edition
Repubicans have taken on a whole new level of repulsive. Terri Schiavo means nothing more to them than a bump in their polls.

I'm not going to comment on my personal feelings about this case, no matter how strongly I feel. I'm just going to say that I think what the GOP is doing is vulgar and hypocritical. They have no place interfering in a matter that should have remained private. These politicians who claim to want less government interference have violated that claim in the most fundamentally harmful fashion. Regardless of Frist's statement about how this is "a unique bill" that "should not serve as a precedent for future legislation"...well, that sounds pretty, but precedence is what makes lawyers salivate and damn if Frist doesn't know that.

And let's not ignore the memorandum that circulated among the Repubican senators being called on to vote in favor of this intervention. The memo that pretty much declared in no uncertain terms that this was the perfect opportunity to get more votes. Compassionate conservatism at its finest:

This is an important moral issue and the pro-life base will be excited that the Senate is debating this important issue.... This is a great political issue, because Senator Nelson of Florida has already refused to become a cosponsor and this is a tough issue for Democrats.

Again, this makes me wonder how absolutely immoral people became the guardians of morality in this country...

03.17.05 :: feelin' green edition
I didn't forget that it was St. Patrick's Day. I wanted to upload these earlier, but I wasn't happy with a design glitch that probably was only noticeable to me. Anyway, she's not too terribly lucky, but she looks fantabulous in green. Yes, it's Elphaba, in either 800x600 or 1024x768.

Enjoy. Share. Give credit if you'd like. Just don't take credit. I'll have to send out the Oz militia if you do...

03.17.05 :: "x" marks the chromosome edition
I'm by no means scientifically minded, but I think it's kind of cool to read that scientists have finished mapping the X chromosome. Now this is a scientific study with a purpose.

Interesting to learn the incredible functionality of the little X. It's also a little frightening to think about the implications of this genetic unmasking. Just ignore me though. I'm having a minor Gattaca moment.

03.17.05 :: fat chance edition
I don't get it. We spent money to determine with scientific certainty that being obese reduces our lifespans. Was there anyone out there who doubted such an obvious truth before this study? I mean, really. That's like saying that we need to do a scientific study before people will believe that lying down in the middle of a busy highway will reduce their lifespan.

Common sense may be for common people...but I'd rather be common than just flat-out stupid...

03.17.05 :: too close edition
We used to call it "Thunder Road." For years, it was a glitch on the maps...an unpaved road cutting a path through farmland, plopped in the middle of a rapidly growing urban area. There was a rickety bridge and dilapidated old barns near the road that teens would spray-paint and hang around, taking spurious beer breaks. There were cows and grassy hills. We used to drive down this road late at night, trying to see who would scare whom. Teenaged fun, but nothing really scary.

Emily Cagal probably had no idea where this road was located. Now that police have found her body, everyone in this area will know: It's real name is Melwood Road. Her body was buried in a shallow grave here. Police say she was missing fingers.

Animals.

03.16.05 :: never mind edition
Never mind that no one really knows how much oil is in ANWR. Never mind that we have so few places on this planet that modernization hasn't raped. Never mind that we're just helping the fatcat assholes in this country who insist on driving vehicles built to handle their overblown egos and undersized genitalia. Never mind that, even with increasing costs of crude oil, we still have significantly low gas prices compared with other industrialized countries. Never mind that just because we open up ANWR for drilling, the oil found there is eventually going to burn out and we're just putting off the inevitable.

Never mind...

03.16.05 :: fangs of the donkey edition
It's about friggin' time. I was beginning to wonder if my beloved donkey had been permanently castrated.

Frist responded to the formal threat by stating, "To shut down the Senate would be irresponsible and partisan." Really? That's so interesting for a Repubican to say.

Elephants aren't the only ones who never forget...

03.16.05 :: political putridity edition
Another reason why I could never be a politician in today's cesspool climate?

The Washington Post reported last weekend that an Indian tribe and a gambling services company made donations to a policy group that covered most of the cost of a $70,000 trip to Britain by DeLay, his wife, two aides and two lobbyists in mid-2000, two months before DeLay voted against legislation opposed by the tribe and the company. The group said it paid for the trip, and the group and DeLay said he did not know about the gambling money.

He jocked a free trip to England from them and then voted in their favor. And that's just one piece of the interesting little tidbits that have been coming out about "The Hammer."

Of course, DeLay claims that this is partisan abuse incurred from bitter Democrats, and that he has done nothing that breaks House rules. But if he has nothing to worry about, why is Hastert replacing those few semi-decent Republicans who have sided with the Democrats in questioning DeLay's lack of ethics? "...House Speaker J. Dennis Hastert (R-Ill.) in February replaced three of the Republican members who had voted with the Democrats to admonish DeLay."

You know, Hitler just used piano wire garrotes for those who failed to display absolute loyalty.

03.15.05 :: brass in pocket edition
I love the Pretenders. I love U2, too...but Chrissie Hynde rocks out in so many awesome ways. I'm so happy the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is paying honor where it is most definitely due.

03.15.05 :: belief edition
Perhaps it's an attribute of an amazingly well written article, but I have to say I believe Pamela Hoffler-Riddick. Even the smartest people can fall prey to poor judgment when it involves someone they love. And trust is a cruel co-conspirator of the manipulative and treacherous.

It's a shame that she had to learn this lesson in such an unkind way. I hope the Post does a followup article on this story. And I hope things work out for her in the end.

03.14.05 :: perverse marketing edition
In my sundry life as a government contractor, I have seen a lot of really bizarre and questionable uses for government funds. I think the one that disturbed me the most is a stress ball that I received from a friend on a DOJ contract. It's for the Violence Against Women Office and it's a blood-red heart. Call me crazy, but I'm highly distressed by the thought of anyone squeezing the hell out of a heart printed with the contact information for the Violence Against Women hotline.

And who the hell made such a correlation to begin with?

03.14.05 :: hit an artery edition
Weekends that keep you away from the computer and leave you feeling sore and refreshed on Monday morning are always good...

It's time to hit a major artery with DeLay. It's time for members of the God-Ordained Plutocracy (most likely the same ones who mocked Hillary for saying that her husband was the victim of a "vast right-wing conspiracy") to shut up and suck it up. They have corruption in their ranks. Let him go down or else we might start wondering what other kinds of scum you're protecting.

03.11.05 :: slight tip back to balance edition
I read a small blurb on an AP story about a Tampa man who chased after a woman for several miles, trying to run her off the road, because he was enraged by her Bush-Cheney bumper sticker on her SUV. I've felt that way many times. Thank god my reality switch is still working...

Karen Hughes is scheduled to return to MonkeyBone's palace. I like Dan Froomkin's take on what this means to King Karl. It'd be nice to have someone stand in KK's way. Actually, it would be nice to send the Tampa man after him...but again, my reality switch is still working, so I'll settle for Hughes' return.

03.11.05 :: wolf-in-chief edition
It was recently suggested to me that I should consider running for a political office under the auspices of the Green Party's embrace (makes me envision "Elphaba for City Council" buttons, but that's just me). I can't help but wonder though, who would vote for someone who tells the truth and doesn't want to serve the interests of the wealth-demented plutocracy? Who would actually try to do things to benefit the lower classes? Who wouldn't make decisions based on religious persuasion (whether it be from those who worship deities or dollars)?

I can't say I'm not intrigued by the thought though. But that would require me to give up on my beloved donkey. I'm not one who typically walks away from something or someone because things have gotten bad or difficult. Personally, I don't think this is a trait that I should strive to keep; it only serves to hurt or disappoint me. But I also know that it's a large part of who I am. I love being a Democrat. I love it enough to stick with my political party through this less than successful time.

Who knows though? Maybe there will come a time when the donkey will make room on its ticket for a wolf...

03.11.05 :: catch-22 edition
A minister from California is on trial in D.C. for displaying a human fetus in a jar during an antiabortion rally last year. He was charged with "keeping and exposing a dead body or body part."

So this is a trial I would love to witness. He was arrested for displaying a dead body. But pro-abortion advocates argue that a fetus is just a collection of cells, not yet human. BUT the minister is on the side that supports the belief that a fetus IS a living human...but that places him on the side of the law for which he is being charged with breaking. So, confess to the crime and support your cause? Or fight the charge and take the side of your enemy? Even better, try the minister for exposing a dead body and give firepower in the form of legal precedence to the antiabortionists? Or let him go since being a creepy shit is still not against the law?

What would Joseph Heller do?

03.10.05 :: bugaboo-hoo edition
Damn. This was one of our favorite lunchtime spots at my old job. It was kitschy and funky, but it had phenomenal sandwiches and a burger to die for, even if it did have a really gross name (really, who wants to eat a Moose Breath Burger?).

Hope they try to rebuild...

03.10.05 :: self-check edition
We've exonerated ourselves. I'm sorry, but I don't really feel as if anything pertaining to the prisoner abuse in Abu Ghraib has been resolved by this ruling. It's like taking a test in school that you know you're not going to pass...and then being asked to grade it yourself (and no one is going to question your scoring).

Really, how many would give themselves an honest score?

03.10.05 :: rule readjustment edition
Uh-oh. Looks like it's time for the God-Ordained Plutocracy to try again to change the rules to keep Mr. DeLay out of trouble...again. I love how DeLay's argument is "There's no way we could have known, and they didn't inform us of the fact that their status changed." Um...so did you bother to ask? That's the lamest excuse I've ever heard. It would never work for the plebes, so why the hell should it work for the plutocracy?

03.08.05 :: boogeyman edition
First time I ever heard of Debra Hill was in association with what remains one of my favorite horror movies, Halloween. She helped create one of the freakiest horror movie villains in cinema (never mind all those awful sequels that have watered down the fear over time). That makes her very cool in my book. I'm very sorry that cancer became her Michael Myers.

03.07.05 :: something wicked this way came edition
I've never considered myself overly lucky, which I suppose is why I don't play the lottery. So when my aunt, cousin, and I entered the ticket lottery for Wicked while we were in NYC this weekend, I didn't have high expectations. I guess that's why I'm still trying to process that my name was called and that my very first real Broadway musical was spent in the front row of the show I most wanted to see, so close to the actors that I could have touched them. It still doesn't seem real. I'm such a Broadway whore now.

Needless to say, the rest of the time there was all gravy on top of the main course, and I had a blast every second.

Now, where will I end up next month...

03.03.05 :: refuse to see cerulean blue edition
There was an episode of X-Files called "Pusher" about a guy who had the ability to make his victims see or not see whatever he wanted based on what he kept saying to them. He would keep repeating the same thing until he forced them to believe him. For example, an officer driving him to the police station was at a stop sign waiting for a tractor trailer to pass. Pusher, however, kept saying to the officer how beautiful the sky was...that it was a beautiful cerulean blue. He said it so many times that all the officer saw was the cerulean sky, so he pulled out...right into the oncoming tractor trailer.

Sad that we're now under the reign of an idiot who operates under the same gameplan. "Social S'curaty's busted. We gotta fix it up right. Can't Wait! Gotta do it now! Do it now 'fore it's eturnly too late!"

Yeah. Because he's done such a bang-up job of "fixin' it up right" in Iraq. And I love how the God-Ordained Plutocracy wants to rip the AARP because they're against MonkeyBone's proposed overhaul. Why? Because they don't see cerulean blue yet? Just let MonkeyBone keep repeating himself. That's the only thing he seems to be good at...staying on message (no matter how god-awful it usually turns out to be for this country).

Oh, and Pusher got away with his crimes during his first episode, so he came back for a second episode of X-Files. He wasn't quite as lucky the second time around...

03.03.05 :: burning down the apartment edition
Last night, Jodie and I ended up on the sidewalk outside our apartment building, waiting for fire trucks. Apparently, someone decided that 11:30 on a night of 20-degree weather with a windchill factor in the low teens would be perfect for pulling the fire alarm.

Someone needs to be smacked.

03.02.05 :: hypocritical display edition
MonkeyBone and his administration are siding with those fighting to keep the Ten Commandments on display in public places. One of the protestors for keeping the displays is quoted as saying, "I don't think government should be in the business of morality."

But wait. Isn't fighting to keep Christianity-specific religious iconography on public display an act of moral impingement? Isn't threatening to alter the Constitution to reflect Christianity-specific religious mores an act of moral impingement? Isn't dedicating government funds to faith-based organizations an act of moral impingement?

If the government should not be in the business of morality, then it should not be pushing the beliefs of any religion on its people. Guess that blows a hole in that protestor's thought process...

03.02.05 :: thank goodness! edition
Nerd break from my coding and editing and political ponderings: Wicked is coming to D.C.!! Not until December, but that's all right. Green things come to those who wait.

03.02.05 :: envious edition
I'm going to say something completely traitorous: I envy the GOP. Yes, they are evil and vulgar and the antithesis of the very fiber of decency to which they claim sole ownership (God-Ordained Plutocracy?). But I keep reading about all the totally obscene things that MonkeyBone and his gargoyles keep pulling and it makes me sick that none of the Democrats are doing anything about it. Where the hell is our Kenneth Starr? I mean, all he had was a cigar, a spooge spot on a Gap dress, and a girl with a very big mouth (ahem).

Meanwhile, we're standing hairline-deep in a flood of malfeasance and what are we doing? We're the literati: We write. We read. We sit in our coffee bars, sipping our soy chai lattes and using million-dollar words that make us feel superior to our monosyllabic "president."

I'm tired of it. I'm sick of Government-Owned Putridity oozing down Pennsylvania Avenue. I'm tired of reading articles about porn-site "reporters" and smear campaigns on the AARP. I'm pissed over the threat by Repubican senators to stop the filibuster because it impedes their master plan of choking our freedoms with the hands of their ordained judges. Clinton was impeached for doing a bare fraction of what MonkeyBone and his monsters have committed since he stole office.

I don't want to read about it anymore. I don't want to write about it anymore. I want to do something to stop it.

Any suggestions?

03.02.05 :: patented idea edition
I think I'm going to drive over to the U.S. Patent and Trademark office on my lunch break. I came up with a great idea...actually, it's a modification of a preexisting product. But I think mine would be so much more practical.

You know those anti-bark dog collars? The ones that either shock the dog when it barks or spritz it in the face with a citrus spray? I think those are awful...but they inspired me during a particularly awful rush hour snag yesterday. I'd like to modify the design for drivers who bring traffuck to parking-lot mode so they can stare at an accident or someone who's been pulled over on the side of the road. I want the collar to be mandatory on all Beltway drivers and I want it to shoot mace into their face whenever they turn their head for more than the time it takes to check their side mirrors or turn to check for a car next to them. Then perhaps I wouldn't find myself parked on the Beltway because Dakota, Anika, and Treven have to stare at Fantasia's busted-up Beamer or because Chartreuse has been pulled over by the cops.

02.28.05 :: million dollar performance edition
I'm currently working on a new trick for the lair that will include suggestions for books, movies, and music, but for now here are two recommendations: Million Dollar Baby and Eulogy. The first, of course, just swept the Hollywood bacchanalia known as Oscar. Despite this fact, I still think it's an amazing movie. It was so tight, giving you everything you need without anything superfluous. And Hilary Swank was excellent, which saddened me only because I had really hoped Kate Winslet would receive kudos for Clementine from Eternal Sunshine. But it's an honor simply to be nominated, right?

Eulogy is, I think, a straight-to-video release that had me cracking up almost the whole movie. I could have done without Ray Romano (I just don't find him funny), but I delight in dysfunction, and this movie is loaded up the eyeline with it (I'd rank it along the lines of Home for the Holidays, which is one of my all-time favorite holiday movies).

02.28.05 :: all hype / no delivery edition
The Washington, D.C. metropolitan area has the worst meteorologists in the country. They're all hype and conjecture...and 9 times out of 10, the exact opposite of what they say happens.

Yesterday, for example, all the meteorologists said that we were going to be slammed by a hella snowstorm. We were going to wake up to a blanket of white and all life as we knew it was going to stop. Children would drown in the depths of the snow drifts and small animals would need to use the tub for their outside duties or risk the chance that they would never be seen until the spring thaw.

I'm still waiting to see the first snowflake from this horrendous winter workover. I'm sure that it will start to snow at some point this morning. We might even get a healthy accumulation. But, for the love of all things holy, just once could they get the weather even remotely right? All the schools in the area are closed...and I'm sure every school superintendent woke up this morning and uttered the ultimate Homer "D'OH!" they could muster when they saw that they have yet again been duped by the weather dopes.

02.25.05 :: clothes don't make the condoleezza edition
I'm so infuriated by the thought that a reporter for the Post felt the need to write an entire article on what Condoleezza Rice wore to Wiesbaden Army Airfield. And it's not even about the fact that the reporter wrote about her outfit. I mean, I understood why people pointed out Big Time Cheney's faux pas when he showed up at a Holocaust remembrance ceremony wearing a knit cap, olive drab parka, and hiking boots...meanwhile everyone else (including his Stepford Wife) understood that the severity of the ceremony deserved more than something that looked like what Homer wore when he was Mr. Plow. That was something I could understand.

No, what makes me so angry about the Condoleezza article is the focus on "sex and power." I have a huge problem with all the sexual overtones with which the reporter imbued their article...dominatrix..."rub the wrong way"...sexually provocative...erotic...fantasy...would any of these words EVER be used in an analysis of MonkeyBone's wardrobe? If anything, a man's wardrobe is just as sexually motivated...or am I the only person to notice the overtly phallic design of the necktie? And hasn't anyone else ever noticed that a tie tapers into a point at the end? Looks like a big arrow pointing down...and it ain't pointing toward his shoes...

My take? Whenever a woman is placed into a position of power, we have to somehow lessen that power by shackling her to her sex. And that, in turn, becomes our focus rather than focusing on the importance of her duties. For example, the reporter never once mentioned the purpose of Rice's visit to the airfield. Is that unimportant? She's the friggin' Secretary of State...BUT we don't care about the "why" of what she does. We just care about what she's wearing!

02.24.05 :: toker and a...joke edition
I suppose the only reason the American papers didn't make a big deal about MonkeyBone's near miss with actually telling the truth about his previous drug jocking days is that it's old news. Whatever. How long did I have to listen to Republicans ram it into my ears about Bill Clinton's admission that he smoked pot? At least he had the cajones to admit it. MonkeyBone would rather hide behind his belief in the "moral high road." Please. Guess that's because his honest road is also covered with a little "snort snow."

What a joke...

02.24.05 :: funds mismanagement edition
You know, when you have the second worst county public school system in Maryland, I would think you would spend your money in a more responsible fashion than outfitting your buses with GPS trackers. For example, maybe P.G. County should concentrate on hiring a better breed of bus driver who won't try to yak on their cell phone while working (GPS trackers might have helped find the bus faster after the driver crashed it, but that's not really the point).

Stupid, stupid. Guess the school system is run by people who graduated from it.

02.24.05 :: brutish bond edition
I've always had a big issue with Sean Connery anyway. I think he's nothing more than a misogynistic bald twit (and, no, there is nothing wrong with bald men; there is, however, something deeply twisted about a bald man who wears a toupee...who are they fooling?!).

Anyway, I hope his NY neighbor wins his lawsuit against Ornery Connery.

02.24.05 :: papacy edition
I'm not trying to be morbid, but I just realized that I've only ever known this pope...not that it matters. I'm not Catholic. I just like a certain level of continuity. Methinks the papal continuity is slowly winding down...

02.21.05 :: music of the night edition
True, I first knew him as Bonnie's father, but I'm saddened by the musical theater's loss of John Raitt.

I finally went to see The Phantom of the Opera before it's pulled from theaters. What a spectacular display! Although I have to say, Gerard Butler is quite possibly the most handsome "loathsome gargoyle" this play has ever known. I know Hollywood is all about being pretty, but it sort of detracted from the lines about how hideous the Phantom was supposed to be when he looked like that (of course, one could argue the point that he was only a hideous monster to himself because that's what he saw when he looked in the mirror...the problem with that, though, is that I've read the book numerous times, and he really had a monstrous visage [and yes, I have arguments like this inside my head all the time]).

I thought that Emmy Rossum was 18 when she did this movie...but I was wrong. She was 16! And that's really her singing! Wow. My biggest accomplishment at 16 was getting my driver's license.

Anyway, it was definitely a beautiful depiction of one of my favorite musicals. I always fear when I hear that Hollywood is going to put their hands on a popular Broadway musical. But this was well worth the wait. Brava...brava...bravissima.

02.20.05 :: no more, no more edition
I know, they couldn't give a damn about how I feel, but I'm personally very sorry to hear that Steven Tyler and his wife are separating. It's just that I have a special spot in my heart for all things Aerosmith. The very first music video I ever saw on MTV was "Dude Looks Like a Lady" (it was so burned into my brain that I even remember where I was: I was in my aunt and uncle's basement, and I remember being absolutely mesmerized by what I was seeing). They were even my first concert. What can I say? I bleed loyalty...

Anyway, I hope they're able to work through their differences.

02.20.05 :: faith no more edition
E.J. Dionne ponders the lack of interest that MonkeyBone has invested into his faith-based initiative. Is it really a surprise, though, that this initiative would get little attention? Wasn't the primary purpose of the initiative to shift the responsibility of tending to the needs of the poor onto the country's religious charities? MonkeyBone had better ideas for all that surplus money he got his simian paws on when he usurped the presidency in 2000, and it sure the hell wasn't helping the poor.

Bottom line was he only wanted to shift responsibility for the poor away from his administration. Dionne sums it up perfectly when he discusses the latest budget: "It cuts programs for the poor while insisting that no tax cut for the wealthy be left behind."

MonkeyBone has no interest in helping the poor in this country. His tax cuts prove that. Hell, even his focus on the Social Security program is proof of that. After all, who of his upper-crust rich supporters needs Social Security?

02.19.05 :: religious antagonism edition
I had this thought while driving along I-66, heading toward the more Republican strongholds in Virginia (you know you've reached the point of no return when you come to the NRA headquarters): I'd like to create a bumper sticker that reads "Jesus Hates NASCAR."

Nothing in particular sparked this thought. I just think it would be fun. Yeah, I really am weird like that.

02.19.05 :: who moved my mat? edition
It's the weirdest thing, the sort of mystery that makes me want to set up a Web cam over my front door. Every day this past week, I came home and my doormat was moved. It was either crooked or pushed out of alignment with the door (yes, these are things that I immediately notice; I'm an editor, that's what I do). And this morning when I woke up and took Jodie out for her walk, I saw that it was moved again.

I don't really care that someone is doing this. I'd just like to know who is doing it and why.

02.18.05 :: sincerest form of flattery edition
Imitation, that is. That's why I'm posting this Mario Brothers "Numa Numa" parody rather than posting a link to the original, which is getting more than its fair share of bandwidth abuse right now.

I love details, and the animator of this parody has a great eye for them. Watch the eyes and the little things like how Mario moves closer to the camera...it's just damn funny. Plus it has the Mario sounds! YES! Thanks, Tex, for the link.

02.18.05 :: tired or timid edition
I'm making another executive decision here. I will no longer refer to the president as little "w." Henceforth, I shall refer to him as MonkeyBone. I have examined this new name from many angles, and I believe it better captures my disgust and frustration on many levels. Ask me why sometime and maybe I'll share them with you.

So every day, some ass clown from the MonkeyBone circus opens their repugnant piehole and some form of bile oozes out. Today it was Karl Rove's turn. During a speech at the Conservative Political Action Conference (where he was introduced by the chief executive of the National Rifle Association...couldn't you just scream?!?), he stated:

"Those who oppose this agenda are in a difficult position. They're attempting to block reforms to systems that almost every serious-minded person concedes need reform. ... That's not a good place to be in American politics."

Uh. Wha? So MonkeyBone won barely more than 50 percent of the vote, and that means that "almost every serious-minded person" in this country concedes that we need his stupid simian hands pawing all over our systems that work? Systems like our Social Security setup? A system that is heralded worldwide as a success to be emulated and that analysts from both parties say is not in the dire situation that MonkeyBone is claiming it is (but as we've learned, his modus operandi is simple, like he is: "Scare 'em into doin' what I wannem to!").

And Rove proceeded to tell his GOP gargoyles to not become tired or timid. And here I thought the soulless never grew weary...

02.18.05 :: irritable vowel syndrome
On the parking garage information sheet I have from where I park for work, the instructions for purchasing next month's pass state, "Please mail renewal form between the tenth and twentieth of the month."

Apparently, however, someone in the office who fancies themselves quite the master of the English language made a handwritten edit to the sheet so that the sentence now reads, "Please mail renewal form between the tenth and twenth of the month."

Ya know, I've always found those two extra vowels and that extra "t" to be really irritating...

02.18.05 :: car control edition
Earlier this week, I needed to take Sammy in to the dealership because his Check Engine light was clicking on during my twice daily stop-and-go commute (ended up being a warranty thing that they fixed quickly). But I had to take the Metro to work that day.

I'm glad to see that I'm not the only D.C. area commuter who would rather suffer traffic in my own car rather than rely on our public transportation system. What a pain in the ass that day's commute was! My commute now is about 30-40 minutes, which isn't bad (unless you consider that I only drive about 15 miles). My commute that day was about an hour, 40 minutes each way. No way was it convenient. Plus, I am enough of a control freak that I just don't like sitting on a Metro train, with no control over the fact that to get from point A to B, I have to go through points C-Z first. And having strangers sitting next to me, reading my book over my shoulder...or trying to engage me in conversation while I'm obviously trying to read. Again, not a happy time for me.

So why is anyone surprised that people who live in this area would rather sit in bumper-to-bumper idiocy on the Beltway than use public transportation? That's like wondering why someone would rather shave with a dull razor than pluck each hair out individually by the root. One way might be slow and frustrating, but the other way is just plain painful.

02.18.05 :: fortune 500 edition
Life sometimes does imitate art. I saw an episode of The Simpsons last night in which Homer gets a fortune cookie at a Chinese restaurant that is so NOT a fortune. So he goes into the fortune-writing business.

I just had Kung Pao chicken (finally, I work in an area that makes spicy Kung Pao the way I like it!), and when I ate my fortune cookie, this is what my "fortune" read: "You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music."

Who the hell thinks this is a fortune? That's like someone asking me to tell them what the weather outside is like, and I tell them, "You enjoy all things meteorological."

Damn fortune-skimping cookies. They should be called "vague comment cookies"...

02.18.05 :: bigg dirrty wolff edition
I ain't working in Kansas anymore. I used to drive to the suburbs to go to work. Now I drive into a downtown area that is currently in the process of rejuvenation...but it's still a little slummish in places. Case in point: I was sitting at a stoplight and I happened to turn to the left, where I saw the Bigg Wolff Video Store. Ya know from that name that this is not where you'd go for new releases. And there in the window was a large neon sign that read, "Adult & Children Videos Here."

Ew on that pairing. And what happens if the ampersand burns out on that light? Double ew.

02.17.05 :: text adventure edition
I find that I'm irritated over the influx of attention lavished on the "Numa Numa" dude. It has nothing to do with him...even though I don't think it's the funniest thing I've ever seen. I'd put it up there with that "Peanut Butter/Jelly Time" dancing banana: slightly entertaining the first time; just stupid after that (but with both things, you can't get the ^#$%@&* tune out of your head for HOURS!).

No, it has to do with the Today Show. I harbor a deep hatred toward this show, which I think I need to purge from my system. This is not a news show. It's the morning version of Entertainment Tonight and I cannot stand how they try to pretend to be hard-hitting. They're not. And their focus on the "Numa Numa" video this morning just reiterates this for me.

Anyway, that's another one of my secret issues: I can't stand Katie and Matt. Deport me now.

Second reason for this posting...I found MY kind of time-wasting Web site: it's called Zork and it's an online text adventure game. Remember these? I used to love text adventures (big surprise that the Word Nerd would love text adventures).

Time for bed now. Numa Numa...

02.17.05 :: beauty in the breakdown edition
New movie edict from the lair: All snoggees are encouraged to view Garden State as soon as they possibly can. Take off the day from work. Get your hair done another day. Walk the dog later. Watch this movie. Love it. Cuddle it. Let it know it's special. And don't skimp on the love for the soundtrack either...

02.16.05 :: equal opportunity smileys edition
So lately Wal-mart has been getting kicked all around by accusations that they systematically pay women in managerial positions less than men in the same positions.

Tonight I saw a Wal-mart commercial that had both a male smiley and a female smiley (it could have been a smiley in drag, but since Wal-mart is a right wing Christian kinda store, I doubt that). So is this their answer to their questionable salary practices? Give their animated spokesdots the equality they're accused of denying their flesh-and-blood employees?

Sounds a little suspect to me...then again, I see the conspiracy in everything...

02.16.05 :: word geek humor edition
The Post had an online chat this afternoon about copy editing for the printed and online editions. This was the online ad text for the event: "Bill Walsh and Don Podesta, Post copeditros, talk about the challegne of producing an errot-free neswpaper."

I love word geek humor...

02.16.05 :: crock edition
More local stupidity: SUV owners are angry over a proposed Maryland bill calling for an SUV tax. The spokesperson for the SUV Owners of America says the tax is punishing families who want SUVs because they're safe. No. They want these obtuse road boats because they accentuate their egos. Besides, mini-vans are so 1980s.

Personally, I don't think it's soon enough to start taxing the hell out of SUV owners...ESPECIALLY the soccer moms who have no clue about depth perception and spatial relations. Kind of like the peroxide-sniffing soccer cow who forced me into another lane a few weeks ago because she apparently is side mirror-impaired in addition to having a cell phone-shaped growth connecting her hand to her ear. If traffic had been heavier, I would have gotten into a potentially fatal accident...but she would have been safe. Thank god.

Not only do I think these people should have to pay an extra HUGE tax, I think they should also be required to have a special SUV driver's license, which would require them to take a special course in how to drive an SUV. And if they can't pass the test after three times, they can't take the test again for 6 months. No exception.

02.16.05 :: beer hunt edition
Okay, so telling a hunter that they can't drink excessively while wielding a loaded weapon impinges on their right to bear arms? What am I missing? Virginia hunters want to be able to drink more? They want the limit to be the same as the limit for drivers. Right. Here's my counter to that: You're carrying around something that could blow a hole through someone's head. And you want to drink more?

Seriously, what am I missing?

02.15.05 :: petulant brats edition
It's like he's a little child who doesn't understand the concept of "No." If the Senate Democrats rejected these judicial nominees during little "w"'s first term, what makes him think they're not going to do the same during the second term? If they were heinous then, they're going to still be heinous. The only difference is they're going to have more heinous deeds under their belt now.

And what is this ungodly GOP impertinence? "Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-Tenn.) has warned, he may seek a rule change that would bar filibusters of judicial nominees." Again, they think that if they don't like a rule, they can just change it to the way they want it to be?

Democrats need to do a helluva lot more than "[vow] to bring the Senate to a standstill if [Frist] does so." They need to open up a can of donkey whoop-ass pronto.

02.15.05 :: urban assimilation edition
Wal-mart wants to invade P.G. County. They even want to build a store inside the Beltway (locals understand; outsiders don't need to worry about it). Yeah, good luck on that one...

02.13.05 :: rock-hard romance edition
People today think that they're ultimate romantics because they've bought some fluffy heart-stamped flotsam that in a few days will break, die, or widen their lover's hips when consumed. Whatever. This is the ultimate carved-in-stone Valentine (literally!). Those crazy young Latvians in love...

02.12.05 :: take me to your leader edition
I think this is a good thing. I actually thought that Dean was a relatively respectable frontrunner in the Democratic primaries. I think that the media made a completely overblown issue of his "screaming fit." I also think the media painted his wife in utterly unflattering colors.

Sort of the way the media did Teresa Heinz Kerry. And I think it's totally misogynistic ...it's almost as if we're supposed to judge a presidential candidate by how well he can control his wife. I mean, look at all the hype about how wonderful and genteel (read: WELL BEHAVED) Laura Bush is. And look at the reaction Hillary received because she had the audacity to want to Evita her way into a larger role in her husband's presidency. But why is that wrong?

Well then...talk about wandering off topic...

02.11.05 :: death of a crucible edition
One of my Holy Playwright Trinity has passed away. I have always considered Arthur Miller, Eugene O'Neill, and Tennessee Williams to be the three greatest playwrights since Shakespeare and Marlowe. I hope in whatever afterlife there may be, all three have met and are sharing ideas over drinks (coffee for O'Neill...).

02.11.05 :: discourteous ending edition
Previous entry thought: What a total ass-kiss entry I made earlier. Yes, that's how I really feel, but jeez...

Nothing can ruin a successfully ended Friday like coming to my car...my beloved Sammy...and seeing a big-ass dent in the rear passenger door. Not a little ding like the little dings I already have from jerkoffs bumping their doors into Sammy. No, this is a whopping, throw-the-door-wide-open DENT that scraped paint off.

Pardon my language, but what kind of selfish fucknut can just throw their door open into someone else's car with that much force and not feel responsible? I'm willing to bet that whoever did it would probably shit a brick if someone did similar damage to their car.

I was so irritated and felt so incredibly impotent to do anything...I actually found myself fantasizing about somehow finding the person who did this and skewering their car with a lance. There's a healthy (and totally rational) mindset to have while driving in heavy Beltway traffuck...

02.11.05 :: dangerous blogging edition
You would think that after reading something like this, I would think twice about posting while on my break at work. Then I started thinking about it...I love my new job. I love my new supervisor. I love my new coworkers. I would be happy if they learned all this through my little piddly diatribes and diversions here.

Of course, what they would think of my peculiarities after reading all this...that's a whole different story...

02.10.05 :: diary of a mad porn clerk edition
If you're reading this from work, do NOT follow this link unless you work for bohemian liberals or you don't give a damn if they track your Internet activity. It's not that the things here are all that bad...it's just...well, it is a porn clerk writing about her job at an adult video store. What more can you say? Other than the fact that this is one of the funniest things I have ever read. I had to read the entire blog in one sitting. I just couldn't stop...it was like word porn...

Now where is that hand sanitizer...

02.10.05 :: c-o-n-spiracy edition
I don't know. Sometimes I'm blinded by the glare of the red lights that go off in some instances. Like Charles and Camilla. It's no secret by now that she was always the "other woman," even from the very beginning of Chuck and Di. And Diana knew. I'm sure the queen knew, too. She's the friggin' queen...one would hope she would know SOMETHING, at least about her own goofy-looking progeny.

So here's my theory. The queen took one look at Charles and Camilla and had a flash-forward panic attack to the unsightly offspring that would rise from their loins...and she flipped. So she found her son a pretty young thang to deepen the royal gene pool and give some hope that the next heir wouldn't look like Quasimodo after he fell from the bell tower. She told Chucky that he needed to cool his tampon talks with Camilla (thought pause: he actually told her that he wanted to be her tampon...if you find a woman who is turned on by you saying that, there should be a law against the two of you EVER procreating. PERIOD.).

So Diana helps bring to being the Heir and a Spare, Chucky returns full-force to Camilla...and the sad end for Diana came a few years after their split.

Flip up the speed to 8 years of appropriate public grieving and celibacy (with private noodling, I'm sure) and now Charles and Camilla can wed...and the world can breathe a sigh of relief that they are both (hopefully) beyond breeding age.

Thus ends my X-Filesesque thoughts on Charles and Camilla.

02.08.05 :: laundering for jesus edition
This guy should be the new representative for little "w"'s faith-based initiative. Maybe this will help you understand my outlook on organized religion: what this guy did, to me, is a perfect representation of what organized religion in this country is all about. And what's it all about? Ask Preacher Abraham: "It's not a law against riding in a Cadillac if you don't want to ride in a Volkswagen."

Praise Jesus, my brother.

02.08.05 :: just plain wrong edition
This is just so off-the-hook wrong that I can't think of any commentary. Scalped? Who the hell has a first instinct to scalp someone with whom they have a grievance?

02.07.05 :: nomadic edition
See? Put me in charge of more than one Web site and suddenly one is getting less attention than the other (never mind that I'm only paid to maintain one). Tis the life I longed for...but I miss ranting here. It's quite therapeutic (even if I have less angry fire in me right now...damn the soothing balm of work-induced bliss).

Ike and Tina were at it again this weekend. There was no screaming to be heard, but when I came outside to take Jodie for a walk, I had the pleasure of witnessing Tina tossing Ike's clothes out the front door. Mind you, we live on the second floor, so it was particularly enjoyable to watch his tighty whities drifting down into the dirty snowbanks melting in the parking lot. I think I would find more humor in all of this if it weren't for the fact that these two have procreated. They have a little baby in that apartment, bearing witness to their issues of severe incompatibility. I guess it's good that the kid is too young for any of this to register...but still...

In light of the recent little "w" proposal to hack away at HUD, particularly their rural housing program, I find this article both poignant and heartbreaking. I don't know how many times I've driven past the White House motel on my way South. Each time, I always wondered who was keeping this and similar motels along the Route 301 corridor in business...the minute you see it, you know that the last time anyone called this place "modern," bobby socks and poodle skirts were still in fashion.

I hope that someone in D.C. reads this article and it serves to jolt them to do something for all these people living in motel rooms, dreaming of a place of their own.

02.04.05 :: neglected edition
I feel as though I have neglected my snoggees this week. Mea culpa, cuddly ones.

Ossie Davis is gone. Weird to contemplate a world that no longer consists of Davis and Dee.

D.C. is trying to crack down on selling violent video games to minors. Right. Because video games have a retrograde effect. That would explain why D.C. has been so violent since way before games like the Grand Theft Auto or Mortal Kombat series ever were designed. Right. What a bunch of dumbasses. Oh and let's not forget how successful the Parental Advisory sticker has been for the music industry. See, it doesn't matter what restrictions you put on all these things if...and I'm going to type this large so you all follow...THERE AREN'T PARENTS THERE TO ENFORCE THE RESTRICTIONS.

Stop trying to make the entertainment industries in this country take on the role of rule enforcer. Their job is to create entertainment. It's your responsibility to decide if you want your kids to be exposed to it.

Can you tell that this is one of my major pet peeves?

02.02.05 :: crock edition
Didn't watch any movies tonight. I chose instead to watch a really poorly written, badly acted piece of crap. I watched the State of the Union speech. Again, we're led by a former cheerleader. Can't forget that. A cheerleader who makes it more and more apparent that he doesn't have a clue. I bet he didn't even read the speech before he presented it to the Congress. Shit, if he doesn't even read newspapers, should we be surprised if he didn't read his speeches?

And could there be a bigger group of Bush-whipped sycophants than the GOP toads in the Congress?

There were just so many things that oozed out of his mouth tonight that were untrue, misleading, fuzzy, or just plain bullshit. If I hadn't poured myself a glass of pinot noir halfway through, I don't think I could have made it to the end.

Why are we stuck with this baboon for 4 more years?

02.02.05 :: bill murray day edition
Come on, we all know who this day belongs to now, and it ain't P-Philly. Bill Murray rocked this holiday with Groundhog Day and there's been no looking back ever since. If my Netflix movies don't arrive this evening, I just might be tempted to watch it tonight...

So it's Day 3 of my sickeningly increasing happiness at my new gig. This morning I found a great traffic groove, which greatly reduced my travel time and my stress levels. Now I'm sloshing coffee and preparing to begin my first big project.

Yeeha!

01.31.05 :: highs and lows edition
Highs and lows have occurred throughout the day. The big high: Today was my first day at my new gig. It was a slight low in that I didn't realize how much I was going to miss my old coworkers. It's a high in that this morning was the first time I felt excited about getting up for work in a long time. I'm sure it's just the "new" feeling that I'm riding high on at the moment, but that's all right. I'm going to milk it for all it's worth.

The low point? Dealing with incompetence at the Merchant's Auto and Tire, which really pissed me off and was an unhappy ending to what was in general a phenomenal day. Needless to say, I'm never taking my car there again. In fact, I'm like a thread's breadth away from saying I'm never taking my car to any Merchant's ever again. They suck.

But that's over and now I'm mellowing out with a glass of my new favorite wine. It's called Dyed in the Wool and it's a pinot noir from New Zealand. I guess I've never mentioned my minor obsession with NZ before, hmm? I'd love to visit there sometime, but for now I'm happy with their kick-ass wine...

01.29.05 :: nip/tuck edition
I've been thinking about revamping the lair. I've already started making little tweaks here and there, but I'm thinking about changing the entire look. I really like my current graphics, though. It took forever for me to decide on this look and I was so happy with the end result. Maybe I'll just keep tweaking the small things and that'll be enough...

I went out this evening before the snow started (yeah, another weekend with snow and ice; yippee) and bought a new messenger bag for my new job. I was very pleased with my purchase...it's quite stylish and, at only $16, more than frugal. I felt very grown-up making this purchase, which of course meant that I needed to balance out my adult moment with a purely id-based trip to Best Buy. Actually, I had planned to go to Best Buy anyway, as a gift to myself for getting ready to start my new job on Monday. Oh and I joined the Terri Clark fan club this afternoon.

I live the high life, don't I?

01.28.05 :: snack attack edition
I feel as though I'm somewhat neglecting the lair this week. It's just that I'm trying to wrap up all my projects and clean out my cubicle (I'm appalled at how much I have accumulated in my cubicle in 5 years; I truly am a pack rat).

I feel compelled to share this with you: Unique Pretzels are the greatest pretzels on the planet. If you love pretzels, buy a bag of these splits and you won't ever want to go back to plain grocery store snacks.

This has been an unpaid announcement from LobaBlanca.com. We now return to our normally scheduled diatribe...

01.27.05 :: soused lightning edition
Dammit, Rizzo. There are worse things you could do than be caught driving while intoxicated...but there aren't many stupider things. You're supposed to know better...you're the First Lady!

01.25.05 :: unique geek chic edition
Sometimes you stumble across something during your online journeys that you just have to share with others. Who knew Bill Gates could strike a pose? And I especially enjoy the sexy toss of that 5 1/4-inch floppy in the second photo.

01.25.05 :: brain break edition
Damn, I so want this car...

01.25.05 :: implicit association edition
This Sunday's Post Magazine contained an article on a test designed by a Harvard professor that is supposed to reveal our true feelings toward minority groups. The tests are called Implicit Association Tests (IATs). I read the article. I went to the IAT site and took several of the tests. I'm left with a feeling that this entire study is dangerously Orwellian (as is thought by others who doubt these tests' validity).

These tests depend on speed. Taking too much time to respond supposedly taints the results. That leaves me with the impression that the designers are looking for visceral rather than thoughtful responses. Never mind my personal belief that this is the major problem with our society now. Too many people just act without thinking of consequences, and now we have these tests that want to remove intellect and label us using only our emotional responses.

Of course, this then begs the question, if our results when we take these IATs are based solely on emotional rather than intellectual responses, how can we not see that the test itself is inherently biased? Or should we be held accountable for our primal thoughts even if our intellect stops us from ever acting on them? Isn't it a generally accepted belief that people who cannot process emotional responses through logic filters should be held less accountable for their actions? For example, most people agree that a person who has committed a crime should not be held accountable if it can be proven that this person has diminished mental acuity. They lack the intellectual ability to properly process emotional responses. Our very laws, when they actually work, acknowledge this fact. The IATs do not.

Another thing these tests do not take into consideration (and I acknowledge that this would be a difficult thing to gauge in a 5-minute test) is the root of our emotional responses. Do our biases stem from prejudice? Or self-loathing? As David Henry Hwang wrote in M. Butterfly, "Now I see -- we are always most revolted by the things hidden within us." A person's primal emotional bias toward someone might be caused by their recognition in that person of a trait they hate within themselves. It's a common tactic used by some to divert real or imagined external loathing from others. Put on a good enough show and no one will ever see in you what you're trying so desperately to hide. Haven't you ever wondered what Shakespeare meant when he wrote, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks"?

Anyway. These are my emotional responses to this article and to the IATs, which I say take with a grain of salt. For the record, I had relatively benign results on all the IATs I took, including the race IAT, on which I received the following result: "Your data suggest a moderate automatic preference for African American relative to European American." What does this say about me? That I am biased against my own race? That I've been properly conditioned by the PC police? That I grew up a minority in a predominantly African American city? That I have agile hand-eye coordination? That my results were skewed because I'm left-handed?

Hell if I know what it means...

01.23.05 :: snow day remembrances edition
You kind of get the feeling that in whatever afterlife existence there may be, everyone is in hysterics now that Johnny Carson's arrived.

Today was so freakin' windy and cold that I figured it would be best to just stay in again. I should have done work today, but I think I've succumbed to "short-timer's syndrome." Yes, that's the big change to which I alluded a few days ago. I'm leaving for a new job. Like I said, I'm scared shitless about this. I'm terrified of not living up to expectations, most of which I have been concocting in my own overly active mind. I'm going to miss a lot of my coworkers, who have become incredible friends. I'm going to miss hanging out with them every day and I'm scared of losing touch with them. For some reason, that seems to happen to me a lot.

One friendship in particular is sorely missed. D, where'd you go? You just sort of disappeared. I miss our conversations. I don't miss how you were usually right, but I miss how you listened. I miss your insight and your input. And you're missing a prime opportunity to gloat yet again...I listen to country music now, just like you told me I would. Where the hell are you to make fun? You were right about lots of other things, too. Things that I wish I could talk to you about now.

Anyway, I just thought I'd throw this out. Maybe one day when you get really bored and Google "LobaBlanca," you'll stumble across this entry and maybe you'll drop me a line. I hope all is well and I hope G-Dawg is still cool.

01.22.05 :: snow day meanderings edition
Surprisingly, the local meteorologists got it slightly right and we did end up getting snow (usually, you can bet money that the exact opposite of what they predict will happen). We didn't get the massive snow dump they said we would, but that's all right with me. I have finally reached the age of total snow detestation.

Of course, it would be my luck to have a dog who turns into Nanook of the North whenever she sees snow (must be the Husky in her). So while mass quantities of snowflakes flurried through the afternoon sky, I was unceremoniously dragged around the local park by Jodie, who pranced and frolicked in pure puppy glee. Yeah, I'm the owner and I could have made her go back inside after she finished her business...but where's the fun in that? Besides, how do you deny a floppy-eared dog the simple pleasure of playing in the snow?

01.22.05 :: book-to-movie edition
It's 1:30 in the morning. I can't remember the last time I went to bed before 2 a.m.

I just read on IMDb that Hollywood is making a movie of Augusten Burrough's Running With Scissors. I bought this book at one of the traveling book sales that stopped at my work one year. I hadn't found any book that I recognized that I didn't already own, but I'm incapable of going anywhere near books without buying at least one. I picked up this book because the cover caught my eye and the dust jacket description sounded intriguing. I ended up reading almost the entire book in one sitting. By the time I was finished, my jaw hurt from the combination of laughter and jaw-dropping disbelief.

I have to admit, I don't really know how well this is going to translate to film. Hollywood sometimes gets it perfect (a la Lord of the Rings)...but sometimes the butcher job is worse than anything Jack the Ripper ever did (Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood is fresh in my mind since I just watched it tonight on TBS). I hope Hollywood gets this one right...

Speaking of LotR...I also saw that Peter Jackson will be helping to adapt Alice Sebold's The Lovely Bones for the screen. I hate what I'm about to say, but I think it's a horrible decision to make this book into a movie. Again, I read this book in almost one sitting. But I think turning it into a movie will lose one of the most beautiful parts of this book: the language. Sebold's prose is so heart-wrenchingly beautiful. Of all the monumental emotions you're left to sort through when you finish reading this book, one of the things you know with all certainty is that Sebold selected every word of this story with absolute love. Who knows, though. Hollywood might very well get this right...

01.21.05 :: style over substance edition
Wow. I've never been more enthralled by political fashion. It's like we have our very own Eva Peron and the Twin Peronettes. Only, Evita actually had her own political ambitions. That would never go over well with today's Repubicans. Women should be seen and not heard.

And doesn't it warm your heart, all the good will the GOP shows to the animal kingdom? All those fur coats and stoles and sedated steers...as if there wasn't enough bull shit coming out of the GOP...

01.21.05 :: winter weather wimps edition
Apparently, it's not just where my parents live in North Carolina that falls prey to 1 inch of snow. I'll refrain from making fun because the D.C. area is in full milk-and-toilet-paper panic mode right now in light of impending snow this weekend. I figure I just won't leave my apartment this weekend for any reason other than to take Jodie to make yellow snow. I've got plenty of beer, wine, and tequila and lots of DVDs. So if anyone wants to join me for a weekend of drunken snow-bound DVDebauchery, drop me a line. I've got a pull-out couch...

01.21.05 :: kiss my bumper edition
I like bumper stickers. I like the concept of summing up someone's personality into a pithy saying that fits on a strip of sticky vinyl. Call me quirky. Saw two this morning that I'm still thinking about: "Can't sleep. The clowns will get me!" and "When no one trusts, does it matter that everyone lies?"

I'll e-mail you a cookie if you can tell me who uttered the quote on the first bumper sticker I mentioned.

01.20.05
I see absolutely no cause for celebration today. I think it's disgusting how much money is being spent on this elitist asshole's inauguration while soldiers dig through garbage for armor for their vehicles. For all the money wasted to make sure the Giggle Twins are resplendent in whatever "name" designed the clothes they will wear only once (never twice; that's a fashion faux pas!), a cadre of soldiers could have received body armor, supplies, something to make their lives a little easier while stationed in Iraq.

I find today's events repulsive and insulting to soldiers, to civilians, and to anyone who has an ounce of common sense.

01.19.05 :: fury unleashed edition
Uh-huh. What did I tell you? The minute I saw the report that little "w" was going back on his campaign promise about actively pushing to amend the Constitution, I knew there would be a religious rumble from the rank-and-vile Christian Right (please don't tell me that I made a spelling error...I didn't). Suck it up. He lied. That's what politicians do. That's what the Bush family does. That's what little "w" does. Or did you miss that whole "weapons of mass destruction" string of lies that he forced the American people to deep-throat?

01.18.05 :: preemptive van edition
Some guy drove a van to one of the White House checkpoints and told the guards that the van was filled with gasoline and that he would blow up the van because a relative was going to be deported. So police closed down 10 blocks surrounding the checkpoint and reporters clawed their way to get as close as they could to the "action" of watching the van just sit there.

I hate to say this, but these things have become so commonplace in this area that the first thing I thought when I saw the report on television was, "I hope they don't preempt The Simpsons to keep showing this." Talk about hard-hearted...

01.18.05 :: newly coiffed edition
People keep telling me about a new commercial for Dove Styling that has Velma Dinkley in it (I loves me some Scooby Doo). I haven't seen the commercial yet, but apparently it's part of a larger campaign that will include several cartoon characters that need to, as Missy Elliott says, "get their hair did," including Wilma Flintstone, Jane Jetson, and Marge Simpson. Check the silky 'do. Shweet.

01.17.05 :: faulty intelligence edition
So much for all that wonderful global warming weather. It's colder than a Wiccan's mammary outside. It's the kind of night that makes me wish Jodie would just squat in the tub, because I hate cold weather more than you can possibly imagine.

I was half paying attention to one of those goofy AOL commercials tonight when I heard the voiceover kick in and all of a sudden I realized who was speaking. Damn Julia Roberts! Friggin' Pretty Woman trying to get me to sign up for Satan's online service! So much for her Erin Brockovich "I'm looking out for the little people" role. Now she's trying to sell us all the Devil's Dialup!

So, haha, we've just been kidding since last April about potential terrorist attacks during the inauguration (no, I'm not capitalizing this word for little "w"). It was all that wacky "faulty intelligence." Come on, guys. You're in the white house for the second and (THANK JESUS) final term. Grow some cajones and just tell the truth for once: You lied to scare people into voting for little "w." Wouldn't it look better for you all to admit you lied? Because this whole "faulty intelligence" crap is making you all look incompetent on top of deceitful. Pick one or the other. Both is a really bad combination.

01.16.05 :: no honor among republicans edition
Little "w" told the Washington Post that he won't actively seek to ban gay marriage in the United States during his second term. Oh I can't wait to see the "Christian Right" backlash over this one. Especially from those adrift in the Red Sea of Middle Amurhka. These people who, in protesting the appearance of an adult bookstore in their community "copied identification numbers from the trucks that pulled in and telephoned complaints to the freight companies." These, of course, are the same people who don't want the government to interfere in how they live their lives...are you missing the irony?

I'm excited about the upcoming backlash. You know there will be one. You think hell hath no fury like a woman scorned? Wait until you see what a betrayed "Christian Right" zealot can pull out of their ass...

01.16.05 :: no more regrets edition
I'm not yet 30 and I have too often heard myself utter the words, "I regret..." Sometimes they have been big regrets: I regret not going with my family to North Carolina in 2000 to celebrate my grandfather's last "real" birthday before he passed away (he was born on February 29). I "had" to work on a proposal at work. I don't even remember whether or not we won the proposal.

Sometimes they have been small but personally significant regrets: I regret not going to see Wicked when Idina Menzel was still playing Elphaba. I was afraid of spending that much money on a weekend jaunt to NYC (I have big money fears and am sometimes quite cheap when it comes to spending money on myself). My savings account is still untouched, but I've forever missed the opportunity to see the originator of one of my favorite musical/fictional characters.

Life is so short. We have to fill it with as much joy as possible. Not regrets. I'm in the process of moving toward ridding myself of one of the main causes of many of my current regrets. I'd rather not talk about it in detail right now, but I think I'm doing the right thing. I'm scared as hell and filled with the most awful self doubts, which always spring up whenever I'm about to do something so life-altering. But I just need to do this. I'll say more in a few weeks...

Let's just say that this is the beginning of what I hope to be many moments of joy instead of regret. I want this year to be filled with moments of happy uncertainty. I'm intrinsically a reserved person, but I want more moments of letting go and letting people know the honesty and joy within. I want this to be a good year. I want smiles and challenges. I want...

It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap.

Return to 05.05.06 contemplation.

01.15.05 :: new prognostication edition
I feel another fortune-telling moment coming on. I predict that before the end of little "w"'s second term, Big Time Cheney will bow out of his role as Puppet Master. The GOP will choose an appropriate Death Eater to replace him...someone who will be able to inherit the throne from MonkeyBone (because, let's face it, by the time these jerks are finished, they will have sufficiently wiped their posteriors all over any remaining shreds of the "democratic process" and we will simply be left to suffer under the reign of whomever they choose to take over next).

return to 03.26.05 contemplation.

01.15.05 :: dirty money edition
The local rag donated $100,000 to the little "w" inauguration piss pot. Now they're getting an interview with the chimp-in-chief. How coincidental. But later down in this brief, we see that little "w" has problems with the money paid to Armstrong Williams to peddle the "No Child Left Behind" initiative. The only problem I imagine little "w" might have with this is the bribe going out from his administration rather than coming to his administration like he enjoys so much.

Oh and don't think I didn't catch little "w"'s interview with the Washington Times in which he spoke about his "relationship with the Lord." I just don't have anything to say about it other than I don't know what lord he has a relationship with, but it's no lord I would want to affiliate myself with. Any lord that would support little "w"'s blatant arrogance, deception, and disregard for the preciousness of all life is no lord to be revered.

01.15.05 :: "consequences of the words" edition
"Sometimes, words have consequences you don't intend them to mean." What the hell is that supposed to mean? Every word you speak has consequences! How is this a news flash? You're married to a librarian! Her whole career before you bumbled along was fed by the power and consequences of words. Although I suppose her career didn't really matter all that much since you expected her to just quit her job and be the good Crawford Wife. It's like all of a sudden we're being led by President Ron Burgundy (only with weatherman Brick Tamland's 48-point IQ).

And what other consequences was he expecting when he said these absolutely brainless and spineless things? Spineless because it wasn't going to be his ass stuck out there, defending his idiotic words. Then, to make matters worse, little "w" still wouldn't admit that his statements of "Bring 'em on" and "Dead or alive" were things he regrets saying. What did he instead say? "I don't know if you'd call it a regret, but it certainly is a lesson that a president must be mindful of, that the words that you sometimes say -- I speak plainly sometimes, but you've got to be mindful of the consequences of the words. So put that down. I don't know if you'd call that a confession, a regret, something."

Pardon me while I abandon my pseudo-literati high-brow language for a moment: what a fucking wanker. You want consequences? You said "Bring 'em on" and now we have more than 1,300 dead soldiers. And you're going to sit there and nitpick over whether or not you want to call that a regret? You're proving that your statement about how you didn't realize the consequences of words is pure horse shit. Because you know that calling your statements something you regret is admitting to how unbelievably wrong and Steven Seagal-wannabe you are...

01.14.05 :: prognostication fulfilled edition
See? Iraq isn't the only thing that little "w" is finishing off for Big Daddy Bush. Did I or did I not state that if Big Daddy hadn't been such a loser president and he'd won a second term, he would have dismantled HUD? And big surprise that his equally pathetic son is finishing his dirty work. But you voted for him, Middle Amurhka. So guess you should start praying and see if Jesus will come help you take care of all your struggling residents who will be kicked in the teeth because of this HUD smackdown.

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely agree that government agencies have incredible overlap..ALL the government agencies, not just HUD (which Republicans typically seem to loathe...I guess it's because of that whole helping all those useless poor people find safe and affordable housing thing). I've already said that here. And I've said that what we need is for a committee to come together, sit down, and figure out how we can rid the agencies of this overlap and consolidate programs to use funding more effectively. But what has little "w" done yet that has been in any way effective? Even this slice-and-dice horror movie act against HUD is inspired by his idiotic bungling of what was once a $2 trillion surplus. He's fucked up and so others must pay. Wow, doesn't that sound like a familiar theme...

01.13.05 :: y.m.c.a. edition
Check it: "Felipe Rose, the Indian dude from the singing group the Village People, presented the National Museum of the American Indian with a framed, gold 45-rpm single of the disco group's 1978 megahit 'Y.M.C.A.' on Wednesday afternoon."

Snoogans.

01.13.05 :: squeak and ye shall be oiled edition
Gee, I wonder what tipped off the shmucks in charge concerning their unconscionable behavior in the case of Alison Yowell's forced resignation. I'm glad to see that they have offered to reinstate her...but it makes me wonder, why is it that we can only effect change after something like this has occurred? I mean, somewhere along the process of Yowell being forced out of her job for having a cancer relapse, didn't someone open their eyes and go, "Wow, we're getting ready to do a complete asshole thing?" Hasn't anyone ever heard the concept of honoring the spirit of the law rather than the letter of the law?

01.13.05 :: red protest day edition
I'm starting to become angry over the HFS overthrow. I know why they just yanked the station without warning: They knew there would be protest. Who are "they"? Infinity Broadcasting. Write them a letter. Call them. Clog their phone lines. That'll teach them to just yank a classic station.

Two great sites for those who want to do more on January 20 than come down with blue flu: You can hit Amurhka right in the consumerism with the NotOneRedCent protest, or you can find other suggestions and events/protests/rallies in your area through the Counter-Inaugural Events site. Just try to avoid being arrested. Those Hefty Cinch-Sack ties they use for handcuffs look like they might chafe...

01.12.05 :: 99.1 wtf edition
Whathafu? I can't believe this: WHFS is gone. HFStival is gone (who cares that I never went to one; it's the principle!). No more Nutcracker. Now we're stuck with DC101, one of Clear Channel Communications' bitch stations and home to one of the most putrid morning show DJs I've ever heard.

Damn. And it all just sort of happened. No prep time or anything. I'm severely bummed right now.

Return to 01.05.06 contemplation or 01.04.07 contemplation.

01.12.05 :: "gut you like a fish" edition
So because little "w" is as inept at handling money as he is at handling everything else, the federal budget is going to be tightened and worthy programs are going to be sliced, gutted, and served up raw to the GOP dogs of war. Sweet. I feel a swell of pride. Strangely, it tastes like bile and gags me in a similar fashion.

01.12.05 :: carcinogenic cooking edition
Great. Teflon is made with a chemical that causes cancer in rats. Yeah, this chemical isn't in Teflon, just in the Teflon making process (very scientific am I). And yeah, it takes a lot less to cause such an illness in a tiny rat than in a big human...but how long have we been cooking with pots and pans covered in Teflon? Hmm?

I see that Teflon King DuPont is relatively safe since they give so much to little "w" and his cronies. But just to be safe, I think they should up their donations a little more. I mean, look what it's done for Ken Lay...

Return to 01.26.06 contemplation.

01.12.05 :: apb edition
WHFS, the local alternative rock radio station, is either full of people with a really odd sense of humor or there was a serious overnight overthrow. Instead of Green Day, Godsmack, NIN, Hoobastank, and all those groups, they've been playing music all day that I've only ever heard piped in at the local Baja Fresh. So what happened?

01.12.05 :: mandatory party edition
Little "w" is throwing one of the most expensive, extravagant inaugurations D.C. has seen in years. Great time to celebrate, right? We're losing soldiers daily because of the mess little "w" dragged our "army we have and not the army we should have" into. Bodies are still surfacing from the awful disaster in Indonesia. We're drowning in a huge national deficit thanks to his moronic tax cuts for his fat cat cronies. This country is practically evenly divided in hatred toward the chimp-in-chief. Most of the world thinks that he isn't even smart enough to wipe without assistance (maybe that's the real reason Colin Powell finally called it quits).

Even better? Little "w" is making D.C. foot part of the bill for this spectacle. D.C., the practically 100 percent Democratic voting capital city (tell me this isn't little "w"'s administration giving the Democrats in this city a big ole GOP bitch slap?), is expected to pay part of the expenses for little "w"'s inauguration from their homeland security funding.

Now I'm one of the first to acknowledge that D.C. isn't the best managers of their own funding, so they need a little help. But they don't need the federal government taking money away from them because the emperor wants a grand spectacle to herald the continuance of his reign. Scrap the big ordeal. Wheel Rehnquist back to intensive care. Go to Burger King, put on the little paper crown, and treat yourself to an angus burger. And give a special thanks to all the people who have repeatedly bailed you out of ever having to do a serious day's work in your entire life.

01.12.05 :: skeevy edition
The more connected we become, the more vulgar we become. Makes you wonder who has nothing better to do that peruse other people's pictures for something to post to a porn site...although I'd be willing to bet that this was done by someone at the school who knew these cheerleaders had posted these photos to their personal photo sharing site. This just sounds too perfectly coincidental...someone from the school just happened to find these photos? Do you know how many porn sites are out there? And they just happened to stumble across this site? Nah. Just you watch: This was an inside job...

01.11.05 :: personal non sequiturs edition
Have you ever tried to watch the blades turn on a paper shredder? The ones that only work when they're in the cradle of the shredder basket? It's actually quite an interesting thing to do...but if anyone ever walked in while you were doing it, they might be inclined to call for the guys in the little white coats...

I didn't have much time today to peruse the news in my typical liberal fashion. I had an all-morning meeting with our client, which was shoe-loads full of fun. I did see where little "w" picked another person to replace Tom Ridge. Better check his basement for illegal babysitters. I love how CounterPunch described him as "a right-wing radical who does not believe in the Constitution and wants to rewrite federal law and rules of procedure on an ad hoc, case by case basis...." He sounds perfect to "safeguard our civil liberties"!

Speaking of civil liberties, this is why I've never specifically mentioned the company or government agency for which I work. I can only imagine that, with my luck, I wouldn't get a Playboy spread and book offer like little back-door Barbie, Washingtonienne. Oh no. I'd end up in Room 101 with a cage full of rats strapped to my face (you'll make Big Brother very upset if you don't recognize this allusion). I love the blog entries at the end of the Guardian article. One question though: What the hell is a "cheeky smegger"?

I have another secret to reveal about myself: I'm a recovering "Made-For-Television-Movie" addict. If it's starred Lori Loughlin, Valerie Bertinelli, Judith Light, Meredith Baxter, Jacquelyn Smith...I've seen it. I lived on Lifetime TV throughout college and I had a relapse last night. But that's not why I'm writing this. No, I'm writing about the absolutely hilarious show that came on right after the MFTVM I watched. It's called How Clean Is Your House? These two women, one from England and one from Scotland, help Americans combat their piggish cleaning habits (or obvious lack thereof). The people they help are gross, but the stars of the show are great. The Scottish woman, Aggie, is sharp-tongued and proper, and the English woman, Kim, is eccentric and cheeky (although I won't call her a smegger since I don't think it's a good thing). I would highly recommend watching at least one episode if you have absolutely nothing else to do...

01.10.05 :: "i'm melting...no wait, i'm falling!" edition
What a crappy way to end a successful 16-month gig. Heal well, Idina...

01.10.05 :: "watch out for yourself" edition
Sensitive quote from a sensitive Loudon County school board member when questioned about how Loudon County has forced a teacher to resign because her cancer has returned and she needs time off for treatment that would leave her vulnerable to infections. What a bunch of shmucks. And these are the people responsible for raising this nation's children? No wonder so few people give a damn about others anymore. I hope someone sees Alison Yowell's story and they offer her a job worthy of her spirit and her skills.

return to 01.13.05 contemplation.

01.08.05 :: they walked among us edition
Politicians aren't the only dinosaurs ever to reside the D.C. metropolitan area. I love that the footprints were found in my old stomping ground (pun intended, sorry). Thanks, PoLT, for bringing this one to my attention.

01.07.05 :: hell is other people edition
Sartre must have lived next to my current neighbors when he made this observation. A married couple moved in to the one-bedroom apartment right next to mine about 2 months ago. I'm also wondering if Sartre was referring to married life with this statement, because these two fight all the time. Last night, though, was possibly the worst. Anyone see the South Park movie? Remember how it's in the Guinness Book of World Records for most swearing in an animated movie? I think the woman next door blew South Park out of the water last night. I lost count of how many times she screamed "Get the fuck out!" And it was in that really ugly, trembling shrill kind of scream. He was yelling at her, too, but not at the same decibel level.

Then she started throwing things. Heavy things that made loud "boom" noises. And slamming doors. Repeatedly. And screaming more. All the while, I'm trying to watch a movie. Nothing makes a quirky German love story go flaccid faster than living next door to Ike and Tina Turner...

return to 02.07.05 contemplation.

01.06.05 :: explain to me the difference edition
"I will no longer represent only the White House. I will represent the United States of America and its people. I understand the difference between the two roles."

Okay, Alberto, explain this to me like I'm a 4-year-old: Isn't the White House supposed to represent the United States of America and its people? So saying that what you did before your attorney general nomination you did when you were representing "only the White House" isn't really a rational argument because the White House is SUPPOSED to represent the American people...therefore, you were still representing us when you represented "only the White House." We are, after all, the ones who determine who lives there. At least that's the theory that we're expected to believe.

01.06.05 :: i smell a rat edition
Okay, file this one under my continued rant for "personal responsibility." If you don't want to watch people eating dead rats, turn the friggin' channel. Big Brother isn't in existence just yet; we still have control over what we watch. And the lawsuit's argument about how NBC is sending a message that money can cause people to do just about anything...well, isn't this lawsuit proving the same thing? You chose to watch people eating dead rats, which made you sick. It's not like the ghost of Brandon Tartikoff possessed you and forced you to sit there and watch. So you're basically suing NBC for your own stupidity.

Hopefully, a rational judge will throw this out of court, but the problem is, it's still going to muck up the machinery...and that's the real crime here.

01.06.05 :: u.s. imperialists edition
Great. North Korea is preparing for war with us. Thank you, Mr. "I'm a goddamned war president" and your idiotic "axis of evil" statement. That's fine though. I think Barbara and Jenna will look super-sexy in Army fatigues (just tell them they were designed by an American fashionista).

01.05.05 :: good on ya, mate edition
Australia has promised $764 million to help Indonesia recover. This is the largest donation from a single country, with Germany second at $674 million and Japan at $500 million.

Little "w" expects to spend more than $166 billion on the war in Iraq and Afghanistan and, according to Paul Wolfowitz, the United States has been spending an average of $4.5 billion a month on the war. According to iraqbodycount.net, between 15,000 to 17,000 Iraqi civilians have died because of "military intervention." This is in addition to the 1,491 coalition troop deaths reported by CNN as of today.

More than 140,000 people died in Indonesia. The United States originally pledged $15 million to help.

The combined financial loss "suffered" by Artest and Co. during their NBA suspension is estimated at $12.6 million. The financial penalization of nine basketball players is only $2.4 million less than the United States' original pledge to the tsunami survivors.

Piece all this together however you want...

01.05.05 :: global shifting edition
Everything about this article freaks me out. I know that things change, but there are certain things that you kind of hope will always remain relatively the same. Geographic things are at the top of the list. It's also so frightening to be reminded of how truly powerful Mother Nature is...and how utterly powerless we are in her presence. Kind of makes me wonder how we dare show such impudence toward her.

01.05.05 :: medical malpractice edition
Nice to see that Dr. Goebbels lives on in our own military doctors. How do you take knowledge you learned to help heal people and use it to devise torture regimens? But of course the Pentagon denies that their personnel did anything to violate the Geneva Conventions.

Then again, with someone like Alberto Gonzales on the clock, who needs to worry about some stupid Geneva thingy. Praise God that Al Baby has little "w"'s implicit trust. We are in for such a treat with him as the new attorney general. I wonder, though: Can he sing as well as Johnny Boy?

01.04.05 :: hell house edition
I watched a highly interesting/disturbing documentary tonight called Hell House. No, it wasn't based on the Richard Matheson novel. It documents the Halloween "haunted house" put on every year by Trinity Church in Cedar Hill, Texas. I'm always upset by things like this because I know that free will is not an option in Christian schools, so it hurts me to see all these students participating in this Hell House performance, delighting in their portrayals of things their pastors and teachers have told them will send them to hell (such as the girl whose father was so proud that she was chosen to be the "abortion girl")...BELIEVING that these things are truly damnable: taking the RU-486 pill; dying of AIDS; committing suicide afer being gang-raped at a rave; dying in a car crash while driving drunk.

One of the more upsetting moments, however, came during a "confessional" scene in which the students speak about their feelings over what they are doing with Hell House. One of the girls spoke about her role as "suicide girl" in previous years and how she at one point found herself performing her role in front of the guy who had raped her 2 years prior. There was such a controlled glaze to her revelation of this fact...she reminded me of a friend in high school who lost a relative in a very violent and nationally reported incident in Texas. She was so completely glazed when she revealed information about this death that I felt physically smacked down by her reaction. In both instances, there was no anger, no questioning...just this eerily joyful acceptance.

What made this an even more interesting documentary is the relative lack of subjective input from the filmmakers. They allowed the pastors and students and parents to narrate the entire thing. Of course, the subjective input inevitably comes during the editing process with what the filmmakers choose to show, such as the "Occult" room the students were building, which had a Star of David spray-painted on the wall rather than a pentagram.

If you're interested in the more frightening aspects of a Christian school/church environment, I would highly recommend watching this. If you'd like to see a more humorous but still honest take, I still say Saved! is a great choice.

01.04.05 :: plastic soldiers edition
I already know that federal tax dollars are being used to cover the cost of big boobs (have you seen the chump-in-charge at the White House?), but this pisses me off. I'm busting my hump so that my tax dollars can pay for G.I. Barbie to have huge gazongas? Soldiers already in Iraq are digging through refuse to find "armor" for their vehicles while we're paying for a soldier's relative to get the fat sucked out of their ass? And isn't it interesting the lengths to which the Pentagon is going to get people to sign up for active duty (also, interesting that they would offer something so vain as plastic surgery...says a lot about our priorities as a country, no?)? Does this in any way have to do with the fact that our military is not adequate enough to handle little "w"'s Quixotic Crusade? So you try to dupe the vain into signing up with the promise of a tit lift and a little fat suction...but what happens when you run out of the vain? Oh wait...I forgot that we are the land of The Swan. You're still going to hit a point where the vain realize that losing a limb or their life isn't worth it.

And then what happens when the volunteers stop coming?

01.04.05 :: gop abandons ethics edition
Oh, I'm sorry...that should say "GOP abandons ethics changes." But don't you first have to have ethics before you can change them?

01.04.05 :: schizoclimate edition
Is anyone else feeling increasingly nervous about the world-wide weather upheavals taking place? The earthquake and tsunami combination that struck Asia and Africa, of course, is right at the top of the list of upsetting incidents. However, reading about snow on Christmas in Galveston, Texas, alarmed me. Now reading that snow and record rainfall is hammering away at California...that's making me even more nervous. Plus, the weather in the D.C. metropolitan area is leaving me with a very nervous flutter in my stomach. It's like early spring right now. We had the warmest New Year's Day since like 1920-something. On Saturday it was balmy and beautiful. Sunday morning started out the same; however, the temperature dropped by about 20 degrees in a 2-hour timespan (this is what prompted my need for a snow shovel).

Plus, there have been reports for a while about how volcanic activity in the Canaries could cause mega-tsunamis to slam the East Coast of North America. Yet here we are, stuck with President DipShit who doesn't want to even admit there is global warming occurring because his sycophant scientists won't tell him anything that doesn't agree with his moron agenda.

We're destroying the planet piece at a time...and I think the planet is starting to fight back. And no SUV in existence is going to outrun a wall of water smashing into the coast...

01.03.05 :: carnival of wolves edition
Anyone else out there ever see the 1962 film Carnival of Souls? I first saw this movie when I was around 12 years old and I never forgot it. True, in many regards it wasn't a great film, even by the standards of the time in which it was made. For example, I think The Haunting was a far superior thriller and it was made only a year after Carnival (I also think that Hollywood proved that bigger isn't always better when it chose to remake both of these classic films...and ended up with remakes that subsequently both suck and blow at the same time).

However, I think for a B-grade horror movie made on a shoe-string budget, this film is delightfully eerie. It has the feel of a classic Twilight Zone mixed with elements of Ambrose Bierce's short story, "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge." After rewatching it this evening, I also believe that M. Night Shyamalan had to have seen this movie at some point and found inspiration in it for The Sixth Sense.

Anyway, I just thought I would share a movie recommendation. And if anyone else reading this has ever seen Carnival of Souls, let me know. I always like hearing from a kindred horror movie spirit.

01.03.05 :: invisible air? edition
Michelangelo's David will soon be protected from the dust of the ages by a "wall of invisible air." Is this in the place of that thick London fog they originally wanted to pump in to surround the statue? Honestly...

01.03.05 :: hop like an egyptian edition
I love Peter Rabbit. This was the first book I received when I was a kid. I love the British Museum. I could have spent days there on my first trip to London. So this is just a delightfully amusing combination. It's right up there with the ancient Greek version of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. Tangential tantrum: Why couldn't the first Harry Potter book have kept its original title when it came to America? Are we really that stupid? Erm...scratch that last question.

01.03.05 :: make a pledge edition
I guess I'm supposed to be impressed by little "w" announcing a fundraising collaboration between Daddy Bush and Slick Willie. I guess I would be if it didn't smack of "too little, too late" syndrome. After all, there was a 3-day delay before little "w" even said anything about the devastation taking place. And then it was to offer $15 million in aid. That's the equivalent of giving an amputee a band-aid to cover his bloody stump (of course, little "w" should know all about amputees since his administration is sending amputees back into combat in Iraq).

Sure little "w" bumped up the number to $350 million (after an interim number of $35 million)...but even that is paltry in light of what has happened to these people. Of course, since we are so deep in the hole right now because of little "w"'s across-the-board mismanagement, I guess $350 million is about all our government can give.

01.02.05 :: i won't grow up edition
I realize that even though I am a very responsible person, I continue to balk at the thought of becoming "too adult." (and I don't mean that in any lewd sense of the word) Case in point: Today, I decided I needed to buy a snow shovel. It's been overcast all day and there was such a sudden temperature drop that I was reminded that I live in an area prone to volatile winter storms. Besides, even if it doesn't snow soon, it will inevitably snow, so a shovel would be a wise investment. So I did the responsible thing and purchased a lovely snow shovel with an ergonomically designed handle. Then I scurried over to the DVD section and purchased two movies from my childhood that always make me laugh: Groundhog Day and the musical version of Little Shop of Horrors.

Both were, of course, on sale for $10 each, so I could say it was very adult of me to be frugal. But that's just bunk. I bought them as a counter-purchase to the snow shovel. It's like when I bought my car, I proceeded to deck it out with Scooby-Doo floor mats and steering wheel cover. I don't think I will ever be able to be fully grown up. God save my neighbors when I finally buy a house...

01.02.05 :: heinous flutophone edition
One of the cool features of my Web server is my ability to track different ways that people find the lair. One of the cool features shows what keywords people have typed in that lead them here. I've seen some relatively benign combinations as well as some combinations that I'm sure left visitors disappointed with what they found in my contemplations (let's just leave it at that, shall we?). However, I had to give honorable mention to this keyword search: "heinous flutophone." I would love to know what this person was searching for. So if you ever return to the lair, please drop me a line.

01.02.05 :: proud parent edition
I spent New Year's evening watching movies with family. We watched The Triplets of Belleville, which was weird as only French films can be. But I love weird...so this movie totally worked for me. Plus, it's worth watching just for the dog dream sequences. Then we watched Napoleon Dynamite. I had wanted to see this movie when it was in theaters...but I never seem to make it to the movies (I guess that's why I joined Netflix). What a damn funny movie.

In between movies, my aunt and I took our dogs on a walk...and I experienced a "proud parent" moment with Jodie. She received lots of treats this evening from my uncle...treats that apparently caused her to have to do something again this evening that she typically only does once a day. Well, I didn't realize this...until she was squatting in the middle of the road, leaving her own special New Year's Treat. I love that dog...