L o b a B l a n c a {dot} c o m

I have several ImagiFriends^TM who are really into zombies. Into them to the point that they’ve thought about the zombie apocalypse…and they have game plans for how to deal with said event.

I dig zombies, too, although maybe not quite as much. So it was with mostly equal parts joy and trepidation that I dove into Jonathan Maberry’s novel Patient Zero. The trepidation stemmed from the fact that I’m usually not drawn to good guy/bad guy shoot-em-up novels all that much. Unless the weapons are phasers. Then I’m cool.

I was happily surprised for the most part. Maberry sets a quick, solid pace and lays down a story that is both captivating and highly unsettling. The latter might be a mostly subjective reaction that stems from the hooks he sinks into the realism of a post-9/11 world. Granted, zombie warfare is a bit far-fetched, but shadows of biological warfare and further terrorist attacks on American soil tap into a wellspring of real fear that, for me, does not make for pleasant reading.

However, Maberry spins a tale that is enough of a mélange of the real and supremely surreal that I wasn’t too bothered by it. This is a tale of intrigue…an enigma wrapped in a puzzle wrapped in a zombie. Don’t think this is a horror story. It really isn’t, even with all the living dead slogging about. I’d call it more a mystery/thriller involving a world of relentless action, never giving much time for over-analyzing of any degree (something I am prone to do while reading). Once you’re in this world, you’re in for the long haul. Unless Patient Zero finds you first.

Final score: 4/5. Not too deep, not at all fluffy, but definitely an enjoyable coaster ride that launches out at top speed and doesn’t slow down until the very end. Even if you’ve never really considered yourself a hardcore zombie fan, I’d say give this a try. Now excuse me. I’ve got a zombie apocalypse plan to sort out…

Brought to you by Lactaid Fast Act!

I haven’t really brought you much in the way of useful information lately, have I? My bad. So here’s a little advice from your friendly neighborhood Loba: Don’t trust Lactaid Fast Act.

For those who don’t know, Lactaid is a non-FDA-approved over-the-counter pill marketed to those with lactose intolerance. It’s designed to provide the body with the enzyme lactase, which said intolerant people lack, to break down lactose properly.

What the makers of Lactaid fail to mention is that some people will have a very negative reaction to this pill. And by negative, I mean the pill will make those people reenact the “Barf-O-Rama” scene from Stand By Me.

Thank the Prophets I’m not a lactose-intolerant person (although I can be somewhat judgmental of cheeses based solely on their wax color). However, I have witnessed the agony of Lactaid-induced stomach exorcism twice now by a denizen whose name will be withheld to protect the nauseous.

It’s quite disconcerting on many levels, I can assure you.

The really scary part is that this side effect didn’t manifest itself immediately. Said denizen was able to take Lactaid twice and have nothing but positive results. The third time, however, was most assuredly not a charm…unless you find projectile vomiting to be charming. If you do, you’re a bit dirty in a bad, bad way. Unfortunately, it wasn’t until the fourth time that the puzzle pieces clicked into place and Lactaid was revealed to be the culprit.

The culprit box of Lactaid, however, said nothing about possible side effects including channeling Regan’s Captain Howdy demon. I get that this might deter people from buying your product, but as a company, shouldn’t the safety of your targeted consumers be more important to you than your bottom line? After all, I’ve read accounts of parents giving these pills to their children, and it affected them in similar or worse ways. Shouldn’t this company be held accountable?

Ha, yeah, I know. I forgot for a minute what I was saying. That won’t happen again, promise.

So, there you go. If you’re lactose-intolerant, you might want to keep holding out for that miracle fix. I’m here to tell you that Lactaid ain’t it.